Milwaukee

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. Things were crazy and emotional and I haven't wanted to talk about them. I went back to Milwaukee last Saturday. I flew in over Lake Michigan with the sunset reflecting over the water. I normally feel very grateful whenever I fly over the city because it feels comforting and familiar to me. This time I just felt sad. Waiting for my luggage, a muzak version of "Kiss From a Rose" was playing in the baggage claim area. That was the song that the Registrar's office played after James and I were married (because we didn't bring in a cd for them to approve beforehand, so they just played their own music). I started to tear up then. My mom picked me up and all I could do was hug her and cry. I miss her so much. Plus I knew I was coming home to close a chapter in my life that includes seeing my mom often.

We went to Shana's and again, as soon as I saw her I started to cry. It felt so good to be with people I care about so deeply. But at the same time I was sad because I knew it wasn't going to be for long. We went downstairs to visit my babies. Gir has a huge tumor on her side that James didn't tell me about (he didn't want to worry me). The vet wanted $450 to remove it, so she will just have to live with it. If it gets larger, it could become troublesome, but at the moment she is alright. Of course seeing the rats made me cry as well - especially since I now know I can't bring them back to Florida with me. Rats are not acceptable as carry-on animals, and they are not allowed in the lower area either. BOO on the airlines for discriminating against which animals they allow!!

I had a lot to do while in Milwaukee, so I really didn't have much time to see friends or have fun. I had things in my grandmother's attic, my dad's basement and my mom's basement and attic that I had to go through and pack up to be shipped. I was able to purge some more and then fit the rest of it in 3 suitcases and some boxes that I shipped via media mail (DVDs, books and CDs). Kelsa was a super trooper and helped me all day Memorial Day. She rocks.
We finished a lot of the packing so we went to Liv and Josh's for their cookout. It was such a nice day - 81 degrees and sunny - but as we were standing outside, these clouds rolled in and the temperature dropped suddenly. And by suddenly, I mean less than 30 seconds. And by dropped, I mean it was 47 degrees after those 30 seconds of wind blew through. This is exactly why I don't live in Wisconsin anymore. At least when I get up tomorrow, I know it's going to be in the 90s and I'm going to sweat my tits off.

I was able to wrap up my life in Milwaukee fairly simply. It was a bit stressful getting everything done, but I managed it. I closed out a bank account, changed the address on another, relinquished my keys to my PO Box (the longest address I've ever kept), packed and shipped everything but my toaster (because I didn't have a box that fit), donated a bunch of stuff to Salvation Army and changed my address. I really don't live there anymore. It's so bizarre.

It was really amazing to see my friends. I love them so much, and I'm really going to miss them (like I have been missing them) but I know I will see them again. In fact, I am flying back in August for Green Lake and a doctor's appointment. Mark it on your calendar: 23rd - 30th!

Seeing James was really difficult. For those of you that are completely clueless as to what's going on, I guess I should fill you in on the background. We got married in England on January 23rd 2004. I had to leave right away because my visa was expired. We were told that it should only take 6 months at the most for his application to be processed and visa issued. 5 days after our 2nd wedding anniversary, James finally arrived in the US. Those 2 years were the worst and most frustrating I had experienced. The following 2 years were almost worse still. We had grown so much apart while physically separated that we were nearly incompatible by the time we were together again. We tried everything we could possibly think of - took every suggestion - and yet things weren't working. It breaks my heart, but we just don't work as a married couple.

Near the end of last year we decided we were going to get separate apartments to see if that would help the situation. I then took my roadtrip to Florida to visit Danelle, Jacek and newborn baby Adam. On my way back, I was informed by my employer that they no longer needed my help. I was coming back to no job which meant no apartment. It was then that I decided to start selling everything and just drive off to find what feeds my soul. I figured it was the perfect time - James and I were separating, I had no job or place to live and nothing else tying me down. I just wanted to go and let the Universe direct where I was supposed to go. This is what you've been reading about the past few months.

Anyhow, I have discovered that there are a lot of things that I've been neglecting while fighting for a dying marriage. James has found some things out on his own as well. We decided it was best to terminate the marriage. This is one of the other reasons I had to come back to Wisconsin. We needed to file for divorce.
I'm writing this now as though I'm telling of someone else's life. One moment, I'm completely absorbed by my emotions, and the next I'm completely detached. It was so difficult to see him. I wanted to hold him and kiss him, but scream at him and cry all at the same time. I was looking at a familiar face, but I no longer know the person. My heart aches. My chest feels hollow. I want to remain friends, but I have no idea how to behave around him at the moment. Which is why it is good for me to be in Florida.

Anyway, you don't really need to hear the excruciating details of my emotional turmoil... just know that I hurt, and understand if I look sad or cry sometimes. It's a sad thing to go through, losing a husband.

On a lighter note, I got to spend some quality time with my friend Chris (we watched HAARP) and got to eat at Comet with Shana and Katherine. I also learned a lesson that although I want to help my friends out financially, it's not always wise to do so. Even if I did shoot myself in the foot, I'm glad my friend doesn't have to worry as much.

I got back to Tampa Wednesday night after 2 very smooth and very empty flights. Actually, on all 4 of my flights I had 2 seats to myself. It was seriously awesome. And I finally figured out the perfect combination to avoid a pressure induced migraine! That is the most exciting thing that could have happened.

Thanks again to anyone that has helped me out in the most recent past - and I'm sorry if I didn't get a chance to see some of you in Milwaukee. Remember to mark your calendars for August!