Creative Earnings?

As most of you are already aware, I lost my job in Florida and have moved back to Wisconsin. I've got a job prospect, but unfortunately the "busy season" doesn't start for another month. I do not get unemployment. I do not have any savings. My car insurance is due today and this is my last resort - selling the very last of my CDs - to try to make ends meet.
I could take them down to Exclusive Company to get instant cash, but I would much rather sell them to people I know (again because these are the CDs I've held onto the longest, they mean something to me). Obviously I'm keeping my MUSE, Editors and Mew collection but that's all.
So here's the list - let me know if you're interested in any of it:

Athlete - Beyond the Neighborhood
Band Marino - The Sea & the Beast
Blackbud - Heartbeat EP
Boy Kill Boy - Civilian
Dance Hall Crashers - Lockjaw **SOLD**
Dashboard Confessional - Drowning EP
Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
Dashboard Confessional - Summers Kiss EP
Dashboard Confessional - So Impossible EP
Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Dashboard Confessional - MTV Unplugged
Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar (UK Bonus Tracks)
Dear & the Headlights - Small Steps, Heavy Hooves
Dear & the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
Ani Difranco - Little Plastic Castle
Frente! - Marvin the Album
Green Day - 1039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Kerplunk (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Dookie
Hot Chip - The Warning
Hundred Reasons - Ideas Above Our Station
Incubus - Make Yourself
Interpol - Turn On the Bright Lights
Jewel - Pieces of You
Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
Joy Division - Closer
Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures
Joy Division - Still
Joy Division - Substance
Keepsake - Black Dress in a B Movie
Mars Volta - Deloused in the Comatorium
Matchbox 20 - Yourself of Someone Like You
Myriad - With Arrows, With Poise
Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
Radiohead - OK Computer
Reel Big Fish - Turn the Radio Off
Reel Big Fish - Why Do They Rock So Hard
Reggie & the Full Effect - Promotional Copy
Remy Zero - The Golden Hum
Smiths - The Very Best of (UK version)
Spinto Band - Moonwink
Sunny Day Real Estate - LP2 (the pink album)
Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary

Original Soundtrack to Amelie
Les Miserables (Original London Cast)

Boondock Saints
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Finding Neverland
Full Metal Jacket
Joy Division (documentary)
Stardust **SOLD**

L'alternative Music (Collection of videos plus CD - REGION 2)
Battle Royale II (REGION 3)

---More to come---


Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is life so painful sometimes? Is it solely so we experience the joys more fully? Or is that just it - pain - with no explanation?

I have been trying my best to hold my head high when it has come to my divorce. Today I feel like I'm dragging my own face through the mud. I don't know how to get over someone. It was so much easier when I was 1200 miles away. I didn't have to worry about running into him or anyone else. Here it's like there's this constant nagging at the back of my head that he's less than 20 miles away; that I could (and have) run into someone he's close to at any time. I feel fragile.

I'm not sure if all my emotions are just amplified because of the move and other circumstances, but I am so sad today that I can't seem to stop crying. I went through FB and deleted all the people that were his friends (sorry, if you were one of them - I sent most an explanation email before deleting just so they knew it was nothing they had done). I love FB but sometimes it's the bane of my existence. I don't need to be reminded every stinking time someone tags a photo of James (what started this crying binge in the first place) or comments on something he said or posted. I blocked him and his girlfriend just for my own sanity, but the reminders kept coming. How does anyone get any space in this digital age?

So I wonder, naturally, why I am faced with all of this full on with no distractions. I was supposed to have a date today - you know - try to move on; have a good time. But like all the dates I was supposed to have in the last 2 months, it got canceled. Seriously. What does the universe want from me? Why did he get to date someone before I even left town the first time, but I have to be alone and focus on bettering myself? Can't I just fuck around and not do the next right thing for once?? What am I supposed to take from this?

I am hurting. I don't know how to make sense of my pain. I would go see my therapist, but I haven't got a job, let alone $80/hr to pay her. So this is where I emote. You can choose not to read it, you know?


Home Sweet... Home?

I moved back to Wisconsin last weekend. It was a difficult decision that was made a bit easier when I lost my job at the photo studio. I had been deciding whether it was economically better for me to move home or not when the axe came.

I now live with my mother. This would not be a problem if my mother lived in Florida and it was 85 degrees out. But my mom lives in Waukesha - a place that has many bad memories for me. I was driving around the other day looking for furniture left on the curbside (yeah, so?) when I inadvertently found myself next to my old boyfriend's house from 12 years ago. 5 minutes later I was driving by my old best friend's house and then the cemetery he's buried at. There were happy memories too - like the bowling alley we had Crouton Fest at, and the boardwalk my ex-boyfriend dragged me to against my will to watch the sunrise (I've always been a vampire)... but nevertheless, there are A LOT of memories here. It's unnerving.

The second reason I'm bothered by my relocation is that my ex-husband is still here. He was supposed to move to NYC at the end of April but the construction of the new coffee shop was delayed and he's not leaving until late July now. Obviously, like everything that happens in my life, there is a reason I'm back here now. I feel like it must be time to face all the things I'm afraid of; all the things that make me uncomfortable - and still walk with my head held high. The only reason I am here is to get ahead. I can't plan (or attempt to plan) my next move until I can get caught up. I've got some debt that needs clearing up and some teeth that still need to be fixed. Once that is taken care of, I can move on - or back to Florida. Whichever. I can never know what the universe has in store for me.

Ideally I would like to work at Universal Studios this year for Halloween Horror Nights. I decided I don't do snow anymore. If I can be a bit of a "snowbird" I will. But again, I don't know what's in store for me. I really just have to do what's in front of me. What's in front of me now includes trying to sell enough stuff on eBay to pay to register my car in WI and get my old WI driver's license back. It also means meeting with an agency on Monday to discuss work options in the photo industry here. I'll probably even make a trip to Jimmy John's to see if they need drivers, and possibly the Exclusive Company for a shift or two (what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment).

So that's that. I miss Florida already. The sun... as much as I like to think I'm a vampire, I love what that beautiful sun does for my mood. I never realized how depressed I was until I had sunshine for 365 days and wasn't any longer! I'll just have to hang on to the knowledge that someday I will live in a sunny climate again. It is what my soul needs. At least I discovered that much.