A Dose of Reality

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. It's not a happy one. I just felt the need to put this out to the Universe - maybe to help myself heal. Maybe because I don't know how else to ask for help.
I wrote the following email to my brother-in-law. I couldn't think of a better way to express what I'm going through, so I'm just going to post the note in it's entirety:

hi
i don't know why i feel like i need to talk to you, but i do. i'm so fucking heartbroken and it's tearing me up. i know things haven't been okay for james and i in quite some time, but that doesn't mean i don't love him. if anything has happened in the last 3 months, it's that i've realized i love him even more. but we just are not nice to one another, and i don't even know who he is anymore.
he has gotten himself into a relationship with a [person] who has called herself my friend for the last 5 years. i don't know who i'm more upset with - him or her. but it hurts more than anything i've ever felt before to know that we are no longer together - nor will we ever be - and hurts double that someone who would call me a friend would try to be with him before we are even properly separated. what kind of a friend does that?
i just don't know what to do with myself and what i'm feeling.
having just moved to tampa, i have no good friends here to help me through this. i miss shana. i miss my mom. i miss all my other friends. i need people to tell me it's going to be okay and i find myself calling james looking for that answer. because he is who i have automatically turned to when i've been in pain for the last 6 years. that makes it even worse.
i just don't know what to do. god. i cry every day. like the type of crying that comes straight from the bowels of my emotions. like the crying you hear at funerals. finality. i hate it. and every time i cry like that i get a migraine. it's 7:30 in the morning. i woke out of a dream and could not fall back to sleep, so i found myself on facebook - and saw that [person] had changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" which prompted me to remove them both from my friends lists and ask that she doesn't contact me any longer (because she's been sending me text messages and emails pretending that things are okay - trying to make things okay with me - maybe so she doesn't feel guilty about what she is doing). so i'm starting my day with the guttural crying - starting my day with a migraine. i almost feel like i can't do anything. staying busy is the only thing that helps, but it's worse than pulling teeth to get myself to start anything. i just want to lay in bed all day and cry. and eat ben and jerrys (which makes things even worse because i've gained weight again - so my clothes don't fit properly, and then i begin to believe that no one will ever want me again and i'll die fat and alone). if i'm feeling like this, james has to be feeling something similar. but i don't think he's feeling anything at all because he's putting all of his energy into a relaionship with [person].
i understand why people want to get into rebound relationships - because they don't want to feel this kind of pain - but he is doing himself an injustice by not allowing himself to grow, and he will keep hitting the same brick wall if he continues to jump from one person to another, putting all of his faith in that one individual to be everything to him. i left so he could find himself. so he could become james, the individual. the man who can support himself and drive and have his own friends and be happy. but within a week [person] filled my role. it makes me sad that he's not even attempting to change - and renews my faith that i'm doing the right thing. i cannot be someone's everything. it's impossible. and that's ultimately what made us so miserable.
i'm sorry for this. i know you have nothing to offer me that will make things better. i just needed to let you know where i was at. it makes me sad that i won't see you and your family. i really do like your dad and maureen and ian and tracy. it makes me even more sad to think that i may never see them again. and my hopes of us returning to england... gone. so much to give up on. fuck. i just can't even think about it.
love,
vega


*After that being said, I need to qualify a few things. I know my life here in Tampa is good. I started the job that I wanted; back in a record store - where I feel most at home; where I know I'm good at what I do. I have an amazing new apartment and Melanie is the most wonderful giving roommate (she's feeding me now because I am penniless). I'm making friends here who are really great, and I've been to some awesome meetings. I have a new car that I really like now that it doesn't smell like piss (which, by the way, only ONE person has suggested a name for it - Mr Pissmoke - c'mon people, I need some suggestions!). Things around me are going well. But that doesn't stop the pain from coming. And I'm super grateful to be here feeling this pain, and not in Milwaukee where I would have the 95% chance of running into the two of them constantly. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I'm lucky to be able to remove myself from the situation and heal. However, removing myself from the situation also removes me from all the people that know me well and have been there to support me in the past. I have no shoulders to cry on. I have very few hugs. It feels incredibly lonely.

So please just send a nice thought my way once in a while. I know some of you have been through this and gotten through the pain to the other side. How do you do it? How do you feel so much without crumbling into pieces?