A Dose of Reality

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. It's not a happy one. I just felt the need to put this out to the Universe - maybe to help myself heal. Maybe because I don't know how else to ask for help.
I wrote the following email to my brother-in-law. I couldn't think of a better way to express what I'm going through, so I'm just going to post the note in it's entirety:

i don't know why i feel like i need to talk to you, but i do. i'm so fucking heartbroken and it's tearing me up. i know things haven't been okay for james and i in quite some time, but that doesn't mean i don't love him. if anything has happened in the last 3 months, it's that i've realized i love him even more. but we just are not nice to one another, and i don't even know who he is anymore.
he has gotten himself into a relationship with a [person] who has called herself my friend for the last 5 years. i don't know who i'm more upset with - him or her. but it hurts more than anything i've ever felt before to know that we are no longer together - nor will we ever be - and hurts double that someone who would call me a friend would try to be with him before we are even properly separated. what kind of a friend does that?
i just don't know what to do with myself and what i'm feeling.
having just moved to tampa, i have no good friends here to help me through this. i miss shana. i miss my mom. i miss all my other friends. i need people to tell me it's going to be okay and i find myself calling james looking for that answer. because he is who i have automatically turned to when i've been in pain for the last 6 years. that makes it even worse.
i just don't know what to do. god. i cry every day. like the type of crying that comes straight from the bowels of my emotions. like the crying you hear at funerals. finality. i hate it. and every time i cry like that i get a migraine. it's 7:30 in the morning. i woke out of a dream and could not fall back to sleep, so i found myself on facebook - and saw that [person] had changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" which prompted me to remove them both from my friends lists and ask that she doesn't contact me any longer (because she's been sending me text messages and emails pretending that things are okay - trying to make things okay with me - maybe so she doesn't feel guilty about what she is doing). so i'm starting my day with the guttural crying - starting my day with a migraine. i almost feel like i can't do anything. staying busy is the only thing that helps, but it's worse than pulling teeth to get myself to start anything. i just want to lay in bed all day and cry. and eat ben and jerrys (which makes things even worse because i've gained weight again - so my clothes don't fit properly, and then i begin to believe that no one will ever want me again and i'll die fat and alone). if i'm feeling like this, james has to be feeling something similar. but i don't think he's feeling anything at all because he's putting all of his energy into a relaionship with [person].
i understand why people want to get into rebound relationships - because they don't want to feel this kind of pain - but he is doing himself an injustice by not allowing himself to grow, and he will keep hitting the same brick wall if he continues to jump from one person to another, putting all of his faith in that one individual to be everything to him. i left so he could find himself. so he could become james, the individual. the man who can support himself and drive and have his own friends and be happy. but within a week [person] filled my role. it makes me sad that he's not even attempting to change - and renews my faith that i'm doing the right thing. i cannot be someone's everything. it's impossible. and that's ultimately what made us so miserable.
i'm sorry for this. i know you have nothing to offer me that will make things better. i just needed to let you know where i was at. it makes me sad that i won't see you and your family. i really do like your dad and maureen and ian and tracy. it makes me even more sad to think that i may never see them again. and my hopes of us returning to england... gone. so much to give up on. fuck. i just can't even think about it.

*After that being said, I need to qualify a few things. I know my life here in Tampa is good. I started the job that I wanted; back in a record store - where I feel most at home; where I know I'm good at what I do. I have an amazing new apartment and Melanie is the most wonderful giving roommate (she's feeding me now because I am penniless). I'm making friends here who are really great, and I've been to some awesome meetings. I have a new car that I really like now that it doesn't smell like piss (which, by the way, only ONE person has suggested a name for it - Mr Pissmoke - c'mon people, I need some suggestions!). Things around me are going well. But that doesn't stop the pain from coming. And I'm super grateful to be here feeling this pain, and not in Milwaukee where I would have the 95% chance of running into the two of them constantly. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I'm lucky to be able to remove myself from the situation and heal. However, removing myself from the situation also removes me from all the people that know me well and have been there to support me in the past. I have no shoulders to cry on. I have very few hugs. It feels incredibly lonely.

So please just send a nice thought my way once in a while. I know some of you have been through this and gotten through the pain to the other side. How do you do it? How do you feel so much without crumbling into pieces?


Shane said...

You have to crumble before you can rebuild. A hard lesson I had to learn in a very similar situation a few years ago.

I think you'll eventually surprise yourself.


Kaitlyn Debra said...

Hey hun, I'm sorry things are atrocious for you. :( :(

It'll get better, at least that's what I keep telling myself everyday. One thing at a time. Just because everyone super important to you is far away doesn't mean that they aren't there. [I know that doesn't help terribly much, but I've done the long distance thing for friends and otherwise most of my life.]

But I wanted to also add: I wish I could help you name your car, but I don't know what you're looking for/like =P

Take it easy.

My cousin lives in Naples, she used to work for the rock station down there, if you want I can internet-introduce you?

ilrinkydinkli said...

I'm sorry that you feel sad. Maybe you should think about it this way...

You're missing and grieving for a relationship with James that you haven't -had- in an awfully long time - And I mean long before you separated. The man that you depended on, and that you turned to, and that you truly got along with was absent from your life even before the thoughts of divorce were swimming in your head, but still for some reason you felt like he was there.

Somehow something inside of you, whether it was hope, or naivety, stupidity, or just blind refusal to admit the truth to yourself, effectively behaved as if your happy blissful relationship was still there. And only now, that a divorce is becoming final, are you truly dealing with being without it.

But Vega, you snuggly mushpie, you haven't -had- it in -forever-!

If you have the strength of will to forge a good relationship for this long out of the clear blue sky, then I am absolutely certain that you have the capacity to conjure up some happiness for yourself... some emotional independence, and anything else you feel like you need in your life. That's growth. Using your own resources to make yourself better... even if you have to start off trying to fool yourself a little bit.

All it takes is a little faith. <3

Kathleen said...

urgh. that's all there is to say.

it will get better. there will be lots of crappiness to wade through before you get there, but it will.

sending you hugs from far away...

Trina said...

Vega, I can't think of anything more inspiring than has already been said, honestly. I'm sending you huge hugs, I hate that I can't be there to give them to you in person. I think it seems like you are where you're supposed to be, so be there.