Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is life so painful sometimes? Is it solely so we experience the joys more fully? Or is that just it - pain - with no explanation?
I have been trying my best to hold my head high when it has come to my divorce. Today I feel like I'm dragging my own face through the mud. I don't know how to get over someone. It was so much easier when I was 1200 miles away. I didn't have to worry about running into him or anyone else. Here it's like there's this constant nagging at the back of my head that he's less than 20 miles away; that I could (and have) run into someone he's close to at any time. I feel fragile.
I'm not sure if all my emotions are just amplified because of the move and other circumstances, but I am so sad today that I can't seem to stop crying. I went through FB and deleted all the people that were his friends (sorry, if you were one of them - I sent most an explanation email before deleting just so they knew it was nothing they had done). I love FB but sometimes it's the bane of my existence. I don't need to be reminded every stinking time someone tags a photo of James (what started this crying binge in the first place) or comments on something he said or posted. I blocked him and his girlfriend just for my own sanity, but the reminders kept coming. How does anyone get any space in this digital age?
So I wonder, naturally, why I am faced with all of this full on with no distractions. I was supposed to have a date today - you know - try to move on; have a good time. But like all the dates I was supposed to have in the last 2 months, it got canceled. Seriously. What does the universe want from me? Why did he get to date someone before I even left town the first time, but I have to be alone and focus on bettering myself? Can't I just fuck around and not do the next right thing for once?? What am I supposed to take from this?
I am hurting. I don't know how to make sense of my pain. I would go see my therapist, but I haven't got a job, let alone $80/hr to pay her. So this is where I emote. You can choose not to read it, you know?
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2 comments:
Vega... we haven't talked in ages. But I was moved to just say that I relate to EVERYTHING you just said. Divorce is incredibly difficult. It's like a death. You are grieving. I had all the same thoughts that you are having. It has been 2 years since my separation and I can honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been. It is normal to feel what you are feeling. It will get better. It will get beyond your wildest dreams if you keep doing what you're doing. I promise.
Hi. I found your blog through Inkedin.com and was reading your post about your medical condition...
My wife and I separated a year ago...I would have assumed I would have been over it by now (except that last month was the year anniversary): Some days are cool and some days are not so. I started out, speaking of Facebook, deleting all of her friends. Recently, a couple of weeks ago, I went through and deleted friends of mine that she is friends with...I don't see them too often (or at all), so it doesn't seem to matter...
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