5.16.2009

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is life so painful sometimes? Is it solely so we experience the joys more fully? Or is that just it - pain - with no explanation?

I have been trying my best to hold my head high when it has come to my divorce. Today I feel like I'm dragging my own face through the mud. I don't know how to get over someone. It was so much easier when I was 1200 miles away. I didn't have to worry about running into him or anyone else. Here it's like there's this constant nagging at the back of my head that he's less than 20 miles away; that I could (and have) run into someone he's close to at any time. I feel fragile.

I'm not sure if all my emotions are just amplified because of the move and other circumstances, but I am so sad today that I can't seem to stop crying. I went through FB and deleted all the people that were his friends (sorry, if you were one of them - I sent most an explanation email before deleting just so they knew it was nothing they had done). I love FB but sometimes it's the bane of my existence. I don't need to be reminded every stinking time someone tags a photo of James (what started this crying binge in the first place) or comments on something he said or posted. I blocked him and his girlfriend just for my own sanity, but the reminders kept coming. How does anyone get any space in this digital age?

So I wonder, naturally, why I am faced with all of this full on with no distractions. I was supposed to have a date today - you know - try to move on; have a good time. But like all the dates I was supposed to have in the last 2 months, it got canceled. Seriously. What does the universe want from me? Why did he get to date someone before I even left town the first time, but I have to be alone and focus on bettering myself? Can't I just fuck around and not do the next right thing for once?? What am I supposed to take from this?

I am hurting. I don't know how to make sense of my pain. I would go see my therapist, but I haven't got a job, let alone $80/hr to pay her. So this is where I emote. You can choose not to read it, you know?

2 comments:

Laura said...

Vega... we haven't talked in ages. But I was moved to just say that I relate to EVERYTHING you just said. Divorce is incredibly difficult. It's like a death. You are grieving. I had all the same thoughts that you are having. It has been 2 years since my separation and I can honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been. It is normal to feel what you are feeling. It will get better. It will get beyond your wildest dreams if you keep doing what you're doing. I promise.

Jesse said...

Hi. I found your blog through Inkedin.com and was reading your post about your medical condition...

My wife and I separated a year ago...I would have assumed I would have been over it by now (except that last month was the year anniversary): Some days are cool and some days are not so. I started out, speaking of Facebook, deleting all of her friends. Recently, a couple of weeks ago, I went through and deleted friends of mine that she is friends with...I don't see them too often (or at all), so it doesn't seem to matter...