Heartache and Other Things

First of all, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogging I've let slip by. Don't worry, I've got notes to recapture my trip to Wisconsin, I just haven't quite had the energy to relive it all yet.
That being said, I am blogging at 5am because I don't know what else to do with myself when I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I can't really call anyone right now, and besides, I don't think that would help at the moment anyway.

So have you ever met someone that you just had this instant connection with? Like you just felt as if you knew them? Or you felt extremely comfortable with them? This has happened only twice to me. The first saved my life without ever realizing it. The second has obviously crossed my path to teach me some sort of lesson, of which I've no clue what to do with. Either way, I've been extremely disappointed by both situations in the last month.
While I was back home, I had a number of things to take care of that were less than pleasant. Who actually wants to get together with their ex and fill out divorce paperwork? Not this girl. That whole situation was so uncomfortable I wish I could have avoided it altogether. Divorce fucking sucks. Even if it's for the best. So I wanted to distract myself from that and visit this first good friend of mine. He has always been there for me in the past, and has twice taught me immensely valuable things that have changed my life. Anyway, I had these expectations that things were going to be as they always were. My bad. He is not the same person. He hasn't the capacity to care for others at the moment. His life is consumed by the lifestyle that I left behind nearly 9 years ago. I had no idea it was this bad. I drove 3 hours to see him, only to be told that he was going out to a bar to meet up with a girl. I was crushed. All I wanted was to spend some time with him - so he could make me feel better. That was my first mistake. I cried myself home wondering why it is that I do this to myself. I am constantly trying to relive some moment out of my past that was happy. Are things in my life so fucked that I need to retreat to the past to find glimmers of happiness? Apparently so.
As much as it saddens me that my friend is unable to be there for me (as selfish as that sounds), it also tears me up to see him fall into that mess of alcoholism. All I can do is step back and watch him beat himself into the ground. But what I need to do is let go of the past. Move forward.
This brings me to the second person. He actually said that to me tonight - that everything with James was in the past, I can't change it and I need to move on. I needed to hear that so much. I've been trying to move forward, but I just keep clinging. I think the answer is somewhere in my memories. Like the more I examine every situation in the past 6 years inside my brain, I will eventually come up with a reason for why it all happened. Why I met someone that made me happy, only to not be allowed to be with them (literally - by the government). And after all that bullshit, it all fell apart. I keep running over every aspect in my mind trying to figure out where it went wrong, and how, if at all, I could have done things differently to save it. I should not have left England after we got married. Or, I should have come right back on a different visa. If only we hadn't been separated for 2 years, maybe it would have worked out. blah blah blah. Pointless, because I can't go back and change the past. But I so desperately want to know why I had to go through so much pain for nothing.
One thing I've always told myself is that if something ends, its only because there's something better in store for me. I really can't bring myself to believe it this time. I feel like the only chance I had to be happy with another person has passed, and I failed. So now I'll be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. Really. I'm sure other people have felt this way. But when you're in it, you know nothing anyone says makes you feel any better.
Getting back to the point at hand... I met this boy just before my trip back home. I felt instantly connected. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He's intelligent and thoughtful. He's super cute. He's also young and unstable. And by unstable, I mean a lot less sober than I am. LOL. That's the only way I can put it nicely. But anyway, I just felt so comfortable around him, and we had this amazing time the day before I left. It was like I had something to look forward to in Florida, which is a good thing because it made the bullshit in Wisconsin much more bearable. But as the weeks went by while I was away, it was becoming clear to me that things weren't as rosy with my new friend as they first appeared to be. And the first thing I wanted to do was grasp hold of these shiny new memories of how happy I was before I left - and try to hang on. I find myself trying to talk myself into believing its all good and this is a perfect situation, but it's not. I have no business infringing upon this person's life at the moment. They have a huge amount of change going on. They are dealing with a lot, and still trying to figure out how to live life without alcohol. But of course, my feelings are already roped in and I want to relive that happy memory over and over because it's all I've got at the moment. A glimpse of happiness. Something to show me that it is possible.
Tonight this person basically broke up with me before we had the chance to be a couple. I give him a huge amount of credit for having the balls to do the right thing where I was too weak to even say "hey, this isn't fair to you." But jesus-fucking-christ I don't understand why every time I think I may get something good in my life, it has to disappear right away. I really had this desire to just give to this person. For the first time I can remember, I truly wanted to be selfless - for someone else's happiness. It was a weird thing to experience. He just made me feel that way. But fucking reality is, neither of us has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment. He says he knows himself, and he knows he would break my heart. He said he doesn't want to do that to me. Now, I could argue and fight to get what I want, but I know this is true and I really do want the best for this person (wtf?). But it doesn't hurt any less. It's not any less painful. It's still rejection. And I seem to be bombarded with rejection as of late.

So I had a good fucking cry. Actually, I haven't cried that much since the day I found out James was cheating on me. It was me and my car and Aslan - and I opened myself up to the bowels. It just doesn't seem fair. Life. Nothing seems fair. I had someone say to me the other day that it seemed that I got more than my fair share of shit dealt to me - and none of it was manifested by me. She was like "you know, a lot of people cause their own drama, but yours just happens to you and you're doing all the right things to not cause it." (She was referring to my car drama, and my medication - which I will eventually blog about.) Funny thing is, I can't even seem to get myself into situations where I'm causing my own drama. I mean c'mon. I can't even get a fucking rebound relationship going (is it even a rebound if you've been out of a relationship for 9 months?).
So when do I get to be happy? When will I find someone that cares for me the way I care for them? When will things settle down? It seems like I've been trying to better myself and do good for 9 years now, but I haven't quite reaped what I've sowed. I'm hoping that closing those chapters of my life in Milwaukee will bring some of that contentment that I've been looking for, but you never know.
Trudging the road of happy destiny. Fuck. Such a perfect sentence. My feet are sore. My heart aches. But I keep trudging.

1 comment:

motocrashal said...

When God closes a door on you, look around for the window he opens up.
I have learned long ago that you can never relive a really good time. Do the same things, same place, it's never the same. Enjoy the moment for what it is. Then look forward to the next.