MUSE, Vampires and Apollo

For some reason I have found my thoughts collecting into a blog post. I have been trying to force myself to write my book, with little success. My emotions have been too raw to think about so I have forced myself into reading for distraction, however the distraction has been so damn good that I can think of little else!!

I had heard about this Twilight series a while back, but like everything else, I have to try to be cool and not jump on the band wagon. My curiosity finally got the best of me when it was suggested that I find a non-human distraction. I was sucked in immediately (haha. get it? vampire? sucked?)

What's amazing about these books, is not that they are superbly written or immensely creative - because they are not even very original - but that I am able to channel my emotions through them. Apparently this is a healthy was of dealing with things (as pointed out to my by my amazing sponsor). So I have been letting it all come. It's been a painful trip through the relationship in the books - and when I start to cry, I allow myself the tears. At one point I got so upset that I really had to skip to the end and read the last chapter just to make sure I could make it through the painful 450 pages in between. Don't you wish life was like that? That you could just skip to the end? Reminds me of a Futureheads song...

Today I decided I was going to read the entire second book. But like the first, I had to have the second ready to read immediately. I prepared myself by running out to Sam's Club to get the third book. Only they didn't have it anymore, so I made another trip to Target. That damn store is dangerous to my finances. I came back and got myself situated on the couch. I was only about 85 pages into the 2nd book when I started reading this afternoon. I guess somewhere inside I hope the sooner I go through the books and feel my pain, the sooner I will heal. I'm not quite sure it works that way, but I figured I would give it a go.

Nearly 500 pages is what I've read in the last 12 hours. I think it's a record. I didn't even read Harry Potter straight through like this (although I was purposely savoring the final book - drawing out every line because I didn't want that world to end for me). I read through her acknowledgements at the end of my marathon and was astonished to find a special thank you to the band MUSE. Thinking about it now, though doesn't really surprise me that Stephenie Meyer is a huge MUSE fan. It makes so much sense why I would like her books so much. Apparently she attributes some "emotions, scenes and plot threads" to "their genius." Awesome.

So then I did some thinking. I have always been drawn to vampire stories. I have always been obsessed with vampires, really. I think as far back as I can remember I have been a "vampire goddess" or some form of Gothy vampire for Halloween. Last year I made an exception because I could fit into my renaissance dress again. I wore that costume for Halloween the year it was made for me - 2000. But other than those 2 years, I have been a vampire. While we were at Busch Gardens last night, I realized that I had left my vampire fangs in my wallet. Yeah. That's right. I carry vampire teeth in my wallet at all times. Strange? Definitely. When we dropped Corey off I dug them out to show Jen. She was fascinated that they weren't the normal cheesy vampire teeth - that they were caps that actually looked like fangs. I really need a new pair, but these still do the job. LOL

Then I was thinking again about my obsession with vampires. Trying to pinpoint where it started. I suddenly remembered that my favorite book in 3rd grade was Bunnicula (published in 1979 - my birth year - coincidence??). It was a series about a vampire-bunny that sucked juice out of vegetables. I made my mom order all the books in the series for me through the book club. I haven't pried my memory too much further back yet to see if there's some sort of hidden reasoning for my strange preoccupation. I'll let you know if I come up with anything further, though.

After reading the acknowledgements and the other bands Meyers thanks (Travis, Coldplay, and Brand New among the named), I mentioned to James that it sounded like I needed to be Ms Meyers friend. We must have too much in common. I became more curious and went on an internet search to find out how old she was (she's almost exactly 6 years older than me - our birthdays are 3 days apart). Of course I became distracted by information on the books (and I'm sure I read a couple spoilers but at this point I don't even care anymore). In the small town of Forks, WA where the majority of the story takes place, they celebrate Stephenie Meyer Day - which is September 13th - the birthday of Bella Swan, the main character. September 13th also happens to be my sobriety birthday (yeah, I just had 9 years *grins*). Another strange coincidence?

My digging went a little further and I was reading about a comparison of Edward Cullen to the Greek god Adonis. I remembered that Barbara suggested I re-name my car something positive (rather than after the name of a dead character on LOST). I forgot to mention this... I decided to keep the car previously known as Charlie and in making that decision, I smudged and cleansed the vehicle to rid it of all the negative energy from the last 4 months of bad experiences (and previous who knows how long of terribly ownership). I still hadn't thought of a new name. But as I was reading about Adonis, I thought maybe I could re-name Charlie Adonis - after my new obsession with Edward. Adonis is the god of birth, death and rebirth - but also of vegetation. There were more stories that warned me that this wasn't so fitting a name as I originally thought. So I did a search for other Greek gods and goddesses. I had thought previously about Aphrodite, but she just reminded me of my early rave days. But then I started reading about Apollo. Apollo has been variously recognized as a god of light and the sun; truth and prophecy; medicine and healing; music, poetry, and the arts. I could not wish for a better symbol. So thank you Stephenie Meyer for inadvertently leading me to a new name for my little Civic!

I hope you have enjoyed my hopeless rambling. I'm going to dream of vampires and MUSE concerts!

Howl-O-Scream

Last night I had more fun than I can remember having in a long time. Up until then, I really had no reason to blog because I didn't want to depress you all with my sap (I've been going through a pretty emotional time).

My friend Corey works at Busch Gardens and friday night offered me a ticket to the Howl-O-Scream preview for saturday night. I asked if he could get another ticket so I could bring someone with me. Lil' Jen was the lucky recipient. Corey joked about how we could be the broken hearts club, since Jen just split with her boyfriend and Corey just got his girl stolen. Anyway, we got there and immediately had a good time. Jen was distracted by every shop we walked by because there were these crazy hats. That seemed to amuse Corey - he mentioned that we are probably the only people on the planet that come to a theme park and go directly to the gift shop.

The park was pretty crowded so the lines were long, but because we had the VIP with us, we were able to go through the exit on a couple rides. I have no idea what the ride was called, but it was the most amazing roller coaster I'd been on (granted, I haven't been on a roller coaster in 7 years)... It dropped straight down after hanging you over the edge at a 90 degree angle facing the ground. It was soooooo awesome. Jen and Corey were both scared before going on, and they commented on how I was so relaxed. When we got off the ride I wanted so badly to just jump back in line and do it again! We got to the area where they have your pictures up from the initial drop. I laughed so hard when I saw Jen's face. (She's going to be so mad that I posted this here, but I think it was such a good time it needs to be shared!) We sat and laughed at the screen for 10 minutes, I swear.

We made it to 2 of the 5 haunted houses. I was pretty disappointed, just because I'm used to going to the most terrifying houses in Wisconsin. We used to drive a couple hours to the best rated haunted houses around. So BG + 10,000 people = not so scary. But that's alright. I've got the whole month of October to find a scary haunted house. Not to mention Universal's version of Howl-O-Scream (which I've heard is actually really frightening).

PS If anyone finds a cute vampire boy, send him my way!

Heartache and Other Things

First of all, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogging I've let slip by. Don't worry, I've got notes to recapture my trip to Wisconsin, I just haven't quite had the energy to relive it all yet.
That being said, I am blogging at 5am because I don't know what else to do with myself when I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I can't really call anyone right now, and besides, I don't think that would help at the moment anyway.

So have you ever met someone that you just had this instant connection with? Like you just felt as if you knew them? Or you felt extremely comfortable with them? This has happened only twice to me. The first saved my life without ever realizing it. The second has obviously crossed my path to teach me some sort of lesson, of which I've no clue what to do with. Either way, I've been extremely disappointed by both situations in the last month.
While I was back home, I had a number of things to take care of that were less than pleasant. Who actually wants to get together with their ex and fill out divorce paperwork? Not this girl. That whole situation was so uncomfortable I wish I could have avoided it altogether. Divorce fucking sucks. Even if it's for the best. So I wanted to distract myself from that and visit this first good friend of mine. He has always been there for me in the past, and has twice taught me immensely valuable things that have changed my life. Anyway, I had these expectations that things were going to be as they always were. My bad. He is not the same person. He hasn't the capacity to care for others at the moment. His life is consumed by the lifestyle that I left behind nearly 9 years ago. I had no idea it was this bad. I drove 3 hours to see him, only to be told that he was going out to a bar to meet up with a girl. I was crushed. All I wanted was to spend some time with him - so he could make me feel better. That was my first mistake. I cried myself home wondering why it is that I do this to myself. I am constantly trying to relive some moment out of my past that was happy. Are things in my life so fucked that I need to retreat to the past to find glimmers of happiness? Apparently so.
As much as it saddens me that my friend is unable to be there for me (as selfish as that sounds), it also tears me up to see him fall into that mess of alcoholism. All I can do is step back and watch him beat himself into the ground. But what I need to do is let go of the past. Move forward.
This brings me to the second person. He actually said that to me tonight - that everything with James was in the past, I can't change it and I need to move on. I needed to hear that so much. I've been trying to move forward, but I just keep clinging. I think the answer is somewhere in my memories. Like the more I examine every situation in the past 6 years inside my brain, I will eventually come up with a reason for why it all happened. Why I met someone that made me happy, only to not be allowed to be with them (literally - by the government). And after all that bullshit, it all fell apart. I keep running over every aspect in my mind trying to figure out where it went wrong, and how, if at all, I could have done things differently to save it. I should not have left England after we got married. Or, I should have come right back on a different visa. If only we hadn't been separated for 2 years, maybe it would have worked out. blah blah blah. Pointless, because I can't go back and change the past. But I so desperately want to know why I had to go through so much pain for nothing.
One thing I've always told myself is that if something ends, its only because there's something better in store for me. I really can't bring myself to believe it this time. I feel like the only chance I had to be happy with another person has passed, and I failed. So now I'll be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. Really. I'm sure other people have felt this way. But when you're in it, you know nothing anyone says makes you feel any better.
Getting back to the point at hand... I met this boy just before my trip back home. I felt instantly connected. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He's intelligent and thoughtful. He's super cute. He's also young and unstable. And by unstable, I mean a lot less sober than I am. LOL. That's the only way I can put it nicely. But anyway, I just felt so comfortable around him, and we had this amazing time the day before I left. It was like I had something to look forward to in Florida, which is a good thing because it made the bullshit in Wisconsin much more bearable. But as the weeks went by while I was away, it was becoming clear to me that things weren't as rosy with my new friend as they first appeared to be. And the first thing I wanted to do was grasp hold of these shiny new memories of how happy I was before I left - and try to hang on. I find myself trying to talk myself into believing its all good and this is a perfect situation, but it's not. I have no business infringing upon this person's life at the moment. They have a huge amount of change going on. They are dealing with a lot, and still trying to figure out how to live life without alcohol. But of course, my feelings are already roped in and I want to relive that happy memory over and over because it's all I've got at the moment. A glimpse of happiness. Something to show me that it is possible.
Tonight this person basically broke up with me before we had the chance to be a couple. I give him a huge amount of credit for having the balls to do the right thing where I was too weak to even say "hey, this isn't fair to you." But jesus-fucking-christ I don't understand why every time I think I may get something good in my life, it has to disappear right away. I really had this desire to just give to this person. For the first time I can remember, I truly wanted to be selfless - for someone else's happiness. It was a weird thing to experience. He just made me feel that way. But fucking reality is, neither of us has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment. He says he knows himself, and he knows he would break my heart. He said he doesn't want to do that to me. Now, I could argue and fight to get what I want, but I know this is true and I really do want the best for this person (wtf?). But it doesn't hurt any less. It's not any less painful. It's still rejection. And I seem to be bombarded with rejection as of late.

So I had a good fucking cry. Actually, I haven't cried that much since the day I found out James was cheating on me. It was me and my car and Aslan - and I opened myself up to the bowels. It just doesn't seem fair. Life. Nothing seems fair. I had someone say to me the other day that it seemed that I got more than my fair share of shit dealt to me - and none of it was manifested by me. She was like "you know, a lot of people cause their own drama, but yours just happens to you and you're doing all the right things to not cause it." (She was referring to my car drama, and my medication - which I will eventually blog about.) Funny thing is, I can't even seem to get myself into situations where I'm causing my own drama. I mean c'mon. I can't even get a fucking rebound relationship going (is it even a rebound if you've been out of a relationship for 9 months?).
So when do I get to be happy? When will I find someone that cares for me the way I care for them? When will things settle down? It seems like I've been trying to better myself and do good for 9 years now, but I haven't quite reaped what I've sowed. I'm hoping that closing those chapters of my life in Milwaukee will bring some of that contentment that I've been looking for, but you never know.
Trudging the road of happy destiny. Fuck. Such a perfect sentence. My feet are sore. My heart aches. But I keep trudging.