Time to Do What it is I Do

Someone asked me today about my blog. I sorta shrugged it off as something I only seem to do when I am traveling. But then I got to thinking. Someone asked about my blog yesterday, too. And the someone yesterday went on to talk about her struggles with her art - completely not related to me - but something that was suggested to her struck a chord in me. Her professor told her to spend an hour a day on a project she's working on, and complete a small part of it. After two weeks, if she didn't like what she came up with, she could distract herself with something else.
I got sidetracked in my own mind while she was sharing this with me. I though to myself, "huh. I could easily sit down and write for an hour every day in stead of spend an hour idly staring at a computer screen." Would I be happy with my work after two weeks? Who knows? But at least I would be doing something towards my goal for that time period instead of sitting around feeling afraid to try.

So here I am. Writing my blog on nothing of importance. But in the big picture, it could be a huge step towards something much more meaningful. I don't want to sit around not doing things because I'm afraid of failing (or succeeding). I'm tired of saying "I'm working on a book" but doing nothing but organizing and re-organizing my notes. I want to DO.
Just like anything, it takes starting to actually start something. I talk about wanting to exercise 3-5 times a week, but end up staying in bed too long and coming up with excuses not to. (Aside: I very recently uncovered an extremely deep-rooted fear that goes back to being in and out of hospitals my entire childhood. I grew up being told I couldn't physically exert myself without getting sick, and therefore have had a subconscious belief that I cannot exercise which has manifested itself as fear of exercise and procrastination.) I'm proud to say that last night I went for a 12 mile bike ride. Sunday I rode 18 miles and last Friday I rollerbladed a mile for the first time in 2 years. I started something.

I talked about doing things differently all of last year, and for the most part I did things differently. For whatever reason, the universe has decided to present me with my biggest challenge in doing differently to date. I am attempting to give up a coping mechanism I've had my entire life. Fear is the only thing that holds me back. Fear that I'm going to have nothing left if I give this up (which is a reasonable fear because, let's face it: I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't even ingest caffeine). What will there be left for me to use to "cope" with? Pain and tears? That doesn't seem satisfying at all.

I read a book yesterday called "She: Understanding Feminine Psychology." It uses the myth of Psyche and Eros to illustrate a woman's path in life. It had me in tears when I was reading about Psyche's 4th and seemingly impossible task (which she fails at the end, but is subsequently rescued by Eros). I sort of feel as though I have been given this impossible task. My life has been set up for it. I was brought to Florida, given supportive friends, removed from distractions (I have ZERO crushes at the moment - there are NO cute boys in Tampa), and presented with these truths about myself that had never before occurred to me as something I could deal with. All the help is here if I need it. I just have to DO.

If biking and writing make successful examples of me DOING, I think I will be alright in my difficult task.

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