PLEASE HELP SHANA, IAN, SEAN & BABY JACK!

My best friend, Shana, just moved into a new apartment on September 27th.

On September 30th at 2am (bar time), someone lit the trash can outside her apartment on fire. The flames traveled up the side of the house and into the attic. Everything she owns was either destroyed by fire or water. My friends Sean and Ian lived upstairs.
Everyone is safe and alive - except they can't find the cat.

I set up this temporary page for donations. Shana is 6 months pregnant and just cut hours at work. I know everything will work out, but it doesn't hurt to have people on your side. So please send positive thoughts her and Baby Jack's way. Prayers are best, but money helps too.

Read the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel article HERE.

EDIT: They found Bitey, the cat - terrified but otherwise alright.
Shana was able to salvage some important family heirlooms. Most of her clothes are alright, just soaked. Ian and Sean sustained the most damage - everything is ruined, including clothing. Shana has asked me to let everyone know that the money collected will go towards helping all 3 of them, not just her.

Once they have gotten a chance to survey the damage properly, I will be posting a list of items they all need (since I have had so many questions from people wanting to help).

Thank you so much for your immediate generosity. It is beautiful and amazing to see love and kindness in action, especially from those of you who are strangers. On behalf of Shana, Sean and Ian, I thank you.

EDIT (NOTE FROM SHANA):
As most of you know I am homeless due to a fire on Sepetember 30th. I had just moved into the bottom unit of a 3 unit building. In this building lived the landlord Scott, Myself, Sean (my boyfriend) and his roomie Ian. The fire was started in trash cans around bar time and had it not been for a bartender who walking home we all could be in a much worse situation. No one was hurt.

I feel I was spared in way, It was my unit that seemed to collect all the water as gravity did its thing. The fire spread up my outer wall and into Sean/Ian’s place and over took the attic. I was the 1st one out and witnessed the amazing yet frightening show of flames.(as I was screaming please wake up in the middle of the street) It all happened so fast yet it seemed like forever. I need a visit with my therapist..

Ok so the situation has left us all without many things. People have shown an incredible amount of generosity. There has been cash donations that will help with finding new places. People wanting to feed us, offers for furniture, clothing etc. The thing that has touched me the most is the kind words of support. The hugs, the tears. The people who came out to help up go through the rubble and repack. I mean its been a lesson indeed.

So now what. It is the last morning in the hotel the Red Cross put us up in. Ian is at his folks, Scott is taken care of, Sean is going to his parents in Illinois, Ill be staying in Liv’s basement. Ive taken a personal leave of absence from work so I can get my life back in some kind of order. I need a new place to live and I am done with Riverwest, Im thinking Bayview, Southside. I dont have alot of money as Ive just been dropped down to Pt Time at work in preparation for Jack’s arrival. I not only have to take care the fire stuff but I am also starting the process of getting help from the state on other things. It’s very overwhelming.

Many of you have asked “What can I do?”. Keep praying for us all. That is most important. If you want to help in other ways there is a fund set up through PayPal(link is on my FaceBook page), Giftcards would be nice too even $5. adds up. I realized this morning I have no pillow, it made me so sad.

I am lucky to have my life, the lives of my loved ones and Baby Jack. We will be ok. I have to believe Im being guided in another direction.......Love to you all Shana

Contact info for Now:
My Cell 414 517-6848
Mail- C/O Katherine Scofield 306 E Planfield, Milwaukee, WI 53207


The Greatest Gift Is Love

My Retarded Idea of Fun

I got canceled from the freelance job I had booked Monday, so I decided that leaving for my already-planned Florida trip a little early would be in order. Sunday afternoon, while I was helping Shana move, I got the silly idea that I should drive to Austin first - only because I have never been there and have always wanted to go. I texted my friend Jon to see if he was going to be around if I made the drive and then packed up my car to hit the road.

I have a problem with indecision. I couldn't decide whether to leave Sunday night or Monday morning. I drive better at night, but it was storming. I actually left my house, but came back an hour later because the clouds were looking a bit scary (I was only a couple miles away having tea with a friend before leaving). After my mom poked more fun at me for not ever being able to make up my mind, I left with Austin as my intended destination.

Driving, driving, driving... I didn't realize how far of a drive it was to Texas. I'd never driven there before. I hadn't even made it to Tulsa yet, and I had been in the car for almost 20 hours (granted, I did sleep for 6 of those). I was at another gas station, grumbling about having to fill my tank yet again when I thought "man, this was a really dumb idea." I texted Jon again and told him I was thinking about turning back towards Florida and I would come to Austin a different time. New Orleans seemed like a better idea at that moment. Unfortunately from where I was at, there was not a freeway connecting the two cities. So I mapped out a route on my atlas (yes, I still use my old fashioned paper map - where's the fun in Google maps?) and decided to take a trip through the Indian res. The turnpike cut through some absolutely beautiful land, however it seemed to take me FOREVER to get anywhere.

I got tired again somewhere in Texas (since the only way to Shreveport was through the uppermost eastern part of the Lone Star State) and slept for a couple hours. I made it into Shreveport at about 4am but then got tired again and decided to sleep for another couple hours before the sun baked me in my car.
Absolutely nothing interesting happened that whole trip, except a disgusting restroom (sign on the door read "do not flush toilet paper, put in waste basket" - yes, there was a bunch of poopy toilet paper in the trash) and a trucker honking at me. By the time I got to New Orleans I was so sick of driving, but I knew if I stopped to hang out for a bit it would eat up more time.

I learned on this crazy drive that I actually have physical limits to my driving now. After about 40 hours I started having some anxiety which actually culminated in 2 small panic attacks. Scary shit! I kept telling myself "you can make it, only 8 hours left" and "just keep driving, you'll be in Tampa soon enough." That's when I realized I was treating my trip as though I were running a marathon; which I have no intention of doing. Instead of enjoying my time, I was trudging and forcing myself past my limits. My long trips have always been tempered out before by frequent stops and curiosity. If I saw something interesting, I didn't hesitate to check it out. This was different. This was no good.

So I haven't actually made it to Tampa yet. I'm sitting in a hotel room in Marianna, FL. I'm about 5 hours away but after the second panic attack I decided it was best to just give my body a rest. Maybe next time I won't be so militant with my driving. Or maybe I just won't make completely outrageous plans.

The Working Woman

Well, not exactly a working woman, but I have been blessed by the gods of the workforce and have been booked for a few days at both Kohl's and Boston Store's photo studios. I'm soooooo lucky (and that is not sarcasm).
I really cut it too close this time. Actually, I am still uncomfortably broke. I'm not entirely sure when I'll get my first paycheck (since they technically have 90 days to pay me). I'll be late for the first time ever on my phone bill and credit card. Ick.

I don't really have much to say other than I'm glad to be working.
Maybe I'll actually get back to blogging. I do have a couple interesting stories. Too bad I'm too addicted to Battlestar Galactica to take a break and actually write something with substance :D

Living Nightmare

I rarely place blame on things other than "self" that cause me suffering. I have been known to make a few poor decisions and the consequences of those choices are almost always acknowledged to be my own doing. I am not afraid to accept responsibility for fucking up - I do it often.

That being said, I currently feel like a victim of our medical community - specifically mental health care providers.

Here's a bit of a personal history:
I spent the first 5 or 6 years of my life in and out of hospitals because I suffered from debilitating vertigo spells from the time I was 18 months old. No one seemed to know exactly what caused these "dizzy spells" and there were many unsuccessful treatments that not only included medication, but strange advice such as "give her dark chocolate when she has an attack" or "give her a spoonful of honey or sugar." I was a frequent patient at Children's Hospital and most likely glow-in-the-dark from the amount of radiation I was exposed to.

Since physical activity seemed to exacerbate my condition, I was often found sitting against the wall in gym class - and was medically excused from physical education in high school. I seemed to gain a bit of a reprieve from the vertigo spells from age 9 to 11, but on my twelfth birthday they came back. Things had changed slightly. What used to be rotary vertigo - where you could actually watch my eyes watch the room spin round - became an internal feeling of spinning. No one could see any difference in my appearance when I got an attack. I became so frightened that I would never be able to live a normal life; never be able to drive a car; never live without the fear of an impending attack. I never had a warning, the attacks always just happened like someone turned on a switch.

From 12 to 15, not only did the vertigo continue to plague me on a weekly basis, I started to develop other symptoms as well. The rounds of doctors and hospitals started again. I missed more school during high school than I actually went. After a trip to the University Hospital in Madison, a neurologist there pinpointed a nerve that was pinched in my brain stem. It was inoperable and untreatable. The only relief he offered was a medication called Meclizine that was developed to treat dizziness from motion sickness. It never touched the severe vertigo I experienced.

Sometime during the tests and multiple doctor visits where nothing was proving conclusive, one doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist to have a psychological evaluation. I was offended (but unable to voice that as a 14-year-old terrified little girl) that the doctor didn't believe there was something physically wrong with me and that I was possibly making this all up. My mom took me to a shrink, and this is where my victimization begins.

I was 14 - possibly 15 - and couldn't physically walk up the street without passing out. I had spent my life being looked at by the other kids like I was some sort of freak for not being able to do the same things as they did. I had been through more medical tests than most lab rats with inconclusive results, not to mention I had just hit puberty. If anything, I needed someone to talk to. But what happened was that this psychiatrist threw me on Paxil, a drug that is not approved by the FDA to treat children. When that caused a manic reaction, I was switched to Zoloft. That had the same effect, so they decided to put me on a mood stabilizer. Very long story short, that began a carnival ride of antidepressants/anti psychotics/anti anxiety pills that included 2 extended stays in a psych ward for "med adjustments" and ceased when I was 19 and demanded to be taken off everything once the doctor suggested I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and not any of the 10 other diagnoses he had gone through. As I shouted at him for medicating me to the point where I didn't know where I was, he admitted that he "never knew what was wrong with" me in the first place. Awesome.

For the next 8 years I went through life sans medication and genuinely happy for the first time in my life. I had been to see a chiropractor who helped sort out the vertigo and not only stopped taking all medications, but stopped polluting my body with any sort of substances that could cause a change in perception. Things seemed alright until 2006 when I started having panic attacks. Now, I fully admit to making life choices that caused undue stress - and then dealing with the stressors by clenching my jaw and refusing to act out in any way that was inappropriate. I didn't exactly deal with things at all.

By the time I finally was able to get to a doctor, the panic disorder was so severe it cost me my job and my life as I knew it. I wanted an option other than medication to get me out of my mess, but the therapist I was seeing said that I was already using all the coping mechanisms she could teach me to deal with anxiety. I bit the bullet and took the Celexa. Of course I had an adverse reaction that nearly landed me in the hospital, and was forced to try Effexor XR. The doctor told me it was a very potent SNRI and that I should never miss a dose because the half life was a mere 5 hours. I wanted so badly to not have to take it, but knew I would not get better on my own. He told me that after a year without symptoms, I could go off it.

Thankfully the Effexor XR brought me back to full health, and when I last saw my doctor we agreed that I could start tapering. I started tapering off 6 months ago.
10 days ago was the last dose I took.
This week has been almost as hellish as when I was "sick" and I have questioned my sanity by the minute. Every time I look into Effexor withdrawal further, I scare myself silly. I have yet to read an account of someone who successfully got off the drug in a timely manner. All I find are horror stories and people who are forced to count out granules to take daily because they can't handle going from 37.5mg to nothing.
I found a Harvard study that concluded 80% of patients experience withdrawal syndrome, which makes it the only drug worse than Paxil in this regard. Another site listed all of the known withdrawal syndrome symptoms and a brief description of each. I'm going to copy and paste the one's I have been experiencing this week:

Cardiovascular:
Chest Pains - Severe discomfort in the chest caused by not enough oxygen going to the heart because of narrowing of the blood vessels or spasms.
Palpitation - Unusual and not normal heartbeat, that is sometimes irregular, but rapid and forceful thumping or fluttering. It can be brought on by shock, excitement, exertion, or medical stimulants. A person is normally unaware of his/her heartbeat.
Bradycardia - The heart rate is slowed from 72 beats per minute, which is normal, to below 60 beats per minute in an adult.
Tachycardia - The heart rate is sped up to above 100 beats per minute in an adult. Normal adult heart rate is 72 beats per minute.

Gastrointestinal:
Gagging - Involuntary choking and/or involuntary throwing up.
*Nausea - Stomach irritation with a queasy sensation similar to motion sickness and a feeling that one is going to vomit.
Swallowing, Difficulty - A feeling that food is stuck in the throat or upper chest area and won’t go down, making it difficult to swallow.
Vomiting - Involuntarily throwing up the contents of the stomach and usually getting a nauseated, sick feeling just prior to doing so.

General:
Chills - Appearing pale while cold and shivering; sometimes with a fever.
Fatigue - Loss of normal strength so as to not be able to do the usual physical and mental activities.
Hot Flashes - Brief, abnormal enlargement of the blood vessels that causes a sudden heat sensation over the entire body. Women in menopause will sometimes experience this.
Influenza-like Symptoms - Demonstrating irritation of the respiratory tract (organs of breathing) such as a cold, sudden fever, aches and pains, as well as feeling weak and seeking bed rest, which is similar to having the flu.
*Malaise - The somewhat unclear feeling of discomfort you get when you start to feel sick.
Syncope - A short period of light-headedness or unconsciousness (black-out) also know as fainting caused by lack of oxygen to the brain because of an interruption in blood flowing to the brain.

Nervous System:
Coordination, Abnormal - A lack of normal, harmonious interaction of the parts of the body when it is in motion.
*Dizziness - Losing one’s balance while feeling unsteady and lightheaded which may lead to fainting.
*Disequilibrium - Lack of mental and emotional balance.
Faintness - A temporary condition where one is likely to go unconscious and fall.
*Headache - A sharp or dull persistent pain in the head
*Light-headed Feeling – Uncontrolled and usually brief loss of consciousness caused by lack of oxygen to the brain.
Migraine - Reoccurring severe head pain usually with nausea, vomiting, dizziness, flashes or spots before the eyes, and ringing in the ears
Muscle Contractions, Involuntary - Spontaneous and uncontrollable tightening reaction of the muscles caused by electrical impulses from the nervous system.
Paresthesia - Burning, prickly, itchy, or tingling skin with no obvious or understood physical cause.
Restless Legs - A need to move the legs without any apparent reason. Sometimes there is pain, twitching, jerking, cramping, burning, or a creepy-crawly sensation associated with the movements. It worsens when a person is inactive and can interrupt one’s sleep so one feels the need to move to gain some relief.
Shaking - Uncontrolled quivering and trembling as if one is cold and chilled.
Sluggishness - Lack of alertness and energy, as well as being slow to respond or perform in life.
Tremor - A nervous and involuntary vibrating or quivering of the body.
*Vertigo - A sensation of dizziness with disorientation and confusion.

Psychiatric:
Aggravated Nervousness - A progressively worsening, irritated and troubled state of mind.
Anxiety Attack - Sudden and intense feelings of fear, terror, and dread physically creating shortness of breath, sweating, trembling and heart palpitations.
Auditory Hallucination - Hearing things without the voices or noises being present.
Bruxism - Grinding and clenching of teeth while sleeping.
Carbohydrate Craving - A drive and craving to eat foods rich in sugar and starches (sweets, snacks and junk foods) that intensifies as the diet becomes more and more unbalanced due to the unbalancing of the proper nutritional requirements of the body.
Concentration Impaired - Unable to easily focus your attention for long periods of time.
*Confusion - Not able to think clearly and understand in order to make a logical decision.
*Crying, Abnormal - Unusual and not normal fits of weeping for short or long periods of time for no apparent reason.
Depersonalization - A condition where one has lost a normal sense of personal identity.
Depression - A hopeless feeling of failure, loss and sadness that can deteriorate into thoughts of death.
Dreaming, Abnormal - Dreaming that leaves a very clear, detailed picture and impression when awake that can last for a long period of time and sometimes be unpleasant.
*Emotional Lability - Suddenly breaking out in laughter or crying or doing both without being able to control the outburst of emotion. These episodes are unstable as they are caused by things that normally would not have this effect on an individual.
*Feeling Unreal - The awareness that one has an undesirable emotion like fear but can’t seem to shake off the irrational feeling. For example, feeling like one is going crazy but rationally knowing that it is not true. The quality of this side effect resembles being in a bad dream and not being able to wake up.
Forgetfulness - Unable to remember what one ordinarily would remember.
Irritability - Abnormally annoyed in response to a stimulus.
Jitteriness - Nervous fidgeting without an apparent cause.
Lethargy - Mental and physical sluggishness and apathy that can deteriorate into an unconscious state resembling deep sleep. A numbed state of mind.
Restlessness, Aggravated - A constantly worsening troubled state of mind characterized by the person being increasingly nervous, unable to relax, and easily angered.
*Tremulousness, Nervous - Very jumpy, shaky, and uneasy while feeling fearful and timid. The condition is characterized by thoughts of dreading the future, involuntary quivering, trembling, and feeling distressed and suddenly upset.
Yawning - involuntary opening of the mouth with deep inhalation of air.

Respiratory:
Breath Shortness - Unnatural breathing using a lot off effort resulting in not enough air taken in by the body.

Skeletal:
Neck/Shoulder Pain - Hurtful sensations of the nerve endings caused by damage to the tissues in the neck and shoulder signaling danger of disease.

Sensory:
Taste alteration - Abnormal flavor detection in food.
*Tinnitus - A buzzing, ringing, or whistling sound in one or both ears occurring from the internal use of certain drugs.
Visual Disturbance - Eyesight is interfered with or interrupted. Some disturbances are light sensitivity and the inability to easily distinguish colors.

I starred the symptoms that have been the most obstructive and disturbing. Luckily my list is only 1/3 of the entire list of withdrawal syndrome symptoms so I could have it worse (although I'm pretty sure I would have gone right back on the medication had it been even the slightest bit worse). Even as I sit here writing this, I've had crazy crying bouts. The dizziness is so bad I can barely turn my head. I went to use the bathroom and ended up vomiting again. This is day 10! I broke down in tears earlier and told my mother that I am seriously thinking about just taking the stupid medication again because I'm afraid I will never feel normal again. I have read medical journals that documented withdrawal to last 2 months and sometimes over a year! It should not be legal to manufacture something that causes so much pain to discontinue. Drug companies get away with it because there is no evidence of "dependence" like with benzodiazepines. The quick-fix-prescription sentiment of most health care providers in this country possibly puts more people in a position of antidepressant dependence than need be.

I can't know for sure whether I would have ever developed panic disorder on my own over the years, or if the fact that my brain was "fried" at a young age by dozens of medications that weren't approved to treat me weakened me in some way to become easily susceptible to such disorders. I know now that I can avoid having to take medication in the future by adhering to a strict daily routine to manage anxiety and by continually making positive choices in regards to my health. I hope to walk through this and somehow help someone else avoid the hell I've been though. Right now I'm just going to focus on today and getting through another 24 hours without that brain poison.

Feel free to share any experience, strength or hope you have on the subjects of medication, mental health or even other medical issues you struggle with. It's taken a huge leap of faith for me to publicly acknowledge what I've experienced in my life, so please be respectful of that.

Creative Earnings?

As most of you are already aware, I lost my job in Florida and have moved back to Wisconsin. I've got a job prospect, but unfortunately the "busy season" doesn't start for another month. I do not get unemployment. I do not have any savings. My car insurance is due today and this is my last resort - selling the very last of my CDs - to try to make ends meet.
I could take them down to Exclusive Company to get instant cash, but I would much rather sell them to people I know (again because these are the CDs I've held onto the longest, they mean something to me). Obviously I'm keeping my MUSE, Editors and Mew collection but that's all.
So here's the list - let me know if you're interested in any of it:

CDs:
Athlete - Beyond the Neighborhood
Band Marino - The Sea & the Beast
Blackbud - Heartbeat EP
Boy Kill Boy - Civilian
Dance Hall Crashers - Lockjaw **SOLD**
Dashboard Confessional - Drowning EP
Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
Dashboard Confessional - Summers Kiss EP
Dashboard Confessional - So Impossible EP
Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Dashboard Confessional - MTV Unplugged
Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar (UK Bonus Tracks)
Dear & the Headlights - Small Steps, Heavy Hooves
Dear & the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
Ani Difranco - Little Plastic Castle
Frente! - Marvin the Album
Green Day - 1039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Kerplunk (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Dookie
Hot Chip - The Warning
Hundred Reasons - Ideas Above Our Station
Incubus - Make Yourself
Interpol - Turn On the Bright Lights
Jewel - Pieces of You
Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
Joy Division - Closer
Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures
Joy Division - Still
Joy Division - Substance
Keepsake - Black Dress in a B Movie
Mars Volta - Deloused in the Comatorium
Matchbox 20 - Yourself of Someone Like You
Myriad - With Arrows, With Poise
Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
Radiohead - OK Computer
Reel Big Fish - Turn the Radio Off
Reel Big Fish - Why Do They Rock So Hard
Reggie & the Full Effect - Promotional Copy
Remy Zero - The Golden Hum
Smiths - The Very Best of (UK version)
Spinto Band - Moonwink
Sunny Day Real Estate - LP2 (the pink album)
Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary

Original Soundtrack to Amelie
Les Miserables (Original London Cast)


DVDs:
Boondock Saints
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Control
Finding Neverland
Full Metal Jacket
Joy Division (documentary)
Stardust **SOLD**
Stigmata
Sunshine

L'alternative Music (Collection of videos plus CD - REGION 2)
Battle Royale II (REGION 3)

---More to come---

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is life so painful sometimes? Is it solely so we experience the joys more fully? Or is that just it - pain - with no explanation?

I have been trying my best to hold my head high when it has come to my divorce. Today I feel like I'm dragging my own face through the mud. I don't know how to get over someone. It was so much easier when I was 1200 miles away. I didn't have to worry about running into him or anyone else. Here it's like there's this constant nagging at the back of my head that he's less than 20 miles away; that I could (and have) run into someone he's close to at any time. I feel fragile.

I'm not sure if all my emotions are just amplified because of the move and other circumstances, but I am so sad today that I can't seem to stop crying. I went through FB and deleted all the people that were his friends (sorry, if you were one of them - I sent most an explanation email before deleting just so they knew it was nothing they had done). I love FB but sometimes it's the bane of my existence. I don't need to be reminded every stinking time someone tags a photo of James (what started this crying binge in the first place) or comments on something he said or posted. I blocked him and his girlfriend just for my own sanity, but the reminders kept coming. How does anyone get any space in this digital age?

So I wonder, naturally, why I am faced with all of this full on with no distractions. I was supposed to have a date today - you know - try to move on; have a good time. But like all the dates I was supposed to have in the last 2 months, it got canceled. Seriously. What does the universe want from me? Why did he get to date someone before I even left town the first time, but I have to be alone and focus on bettering myself? Can't I just fuck around and not do the next right thing for once?? What am I supposed to take from this?

I am hurting. I don't know how to make sense of my pain. I would go see my therapist, but I haven't got a job, let alone $80/hr to pay her. So this is where I emote. You can choose not to read it, you know?

Home Sweet... Home?

I moved back to Wisconsin last weekend. It was a difficult decision that was made a bit easier when I lost my job at the photo studio. I had been deciding whether it was economically better for me to move home or not when the axe came.

I now live with my mother. This would not be a problem if my mother lived in Florida and it was 85 degrees out. But my mom lives in Waukesha - a place that has many bad memories for me. I was driving around the other day looking for furniture left on the curbside (yeah, so?) when I inadvertently found myself next to my old boyfriend's house from 12 years ago. 5 minutes later I was driving by my old best friend's house and then the cemetery he's buried at. There were happy memories too - like the bowling alley we had Crouton Fest at, and the boardwalk my ex-boyfriend dragged me to against my will to watch the sunrise (I've always been a vampire)... but nevertheless, there are A LOT of memories here. It's unnerving.

The second reason I'm bothered by my relocation is that my ex-husband is still here. He was supposed to move to NYC at the end of April but the construction of the new coffee shop was delayed and he's not leaving until late July now. Obviously, like everything that happens in my life, there is a reason I'm back here now. I feel like it must be time to face all the things I'm afraid of; all the things that make me uncomfortable - and still walk with my head held high. The only reason I am here is to get ahead. I can't plan (or attempt to plan) my next move until I can get caught up. I've got some debt that needs clearing up and some teeth that still need to be fixed. Once that is taken care of, I can move on - or back to Florida. Whichever. I can never know what the universe has in store for me.

Ideally I would like to work at Universal Studios this year for Halloween Horror Nights. I decided I don't do snow anymore. If I can be a bit of a "snowbird" I will. But again, I don't know what's in store for me. I really just have to do what's in front of me. What's in front of me now includes trying to sell enough stuff on eBay to pay to register my car in WI and get my old WI driver's license back. It also means meeting with an agency on Monday to discuss work options in the photo industry here. I'll probably even make a trip to Jimmy John's to see if they need drivers, and possibly the Exclusive Company for a shift or two (what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment).

So that's that. I miss Florida already. The sun... as much as I like to think I'm a vampire, I love what that beautiful sun does for my mood. I never realized how depressed I was until I had sunshine for 365 days and wasn't any longer! I'll just have to hang on to the knowledge that someday I will live in a sunny climate again. It is what my soul needs. At least I discovered that much.

Brief

I haven't blogged in over a month for a good reason. I am wrestling with a few difficult decisions, and did not want to make it public information (which I always tend to do if i sit down in front of the computer to write).

I will be back in Wisconsin for a visit next weekend. It's been a long time. 8 whole months without seeing my family and friends! I'm looking forward to the quiet drive by myself (seriously) and can't wait to have some REAL chocolate milk! LOL

Really, the only reason for this post is to let anyone that actually pays attention to me know that I am alive and well (relatively speaking). See you soon

ebay mania

It has been almost a year since I left Milwaukee. I am starting to feel that pull again from the middle of my gut. It's this strange sensation that's telling me to not get too attached to things and be ready for change.

Both of my roommates are unemployed at the moment. I was notified that the photo shoot I was booked to work on in June has been canceled. Neither of the catalogs I work for are making money. It's looking like May will be my last bit of employment. I've already made plans to work at Summerfest in Milwaukee this June.

With the sneaky suspicion that I could be out of a job, I've begun preparing for what that would mean. I'm downsizing once again, and getting ready to head out if need-be. Mostly because I need to have as little as possible to be able to stay in a very cheap room. I'm a little scared, but also excited at what the future could bring. It's been too long in this city that doesn't interest me much. I love my friends here. I've made a lot of personal progress. But something is telling me I'm not supposed to stay. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm busy listing things that I've had since the 90s on eBay. I found a box of Beanie Babies, Jurassic Park collectibles and NKOTB memorabilia that I'm working my way through at the moment. I'm getting rid of the rest of my CDs and DVDs (except the essential MUSE, Editors, Travis and Mew collection and my LOST DVDs). I have all the music on my hard drive. I've got all the DVDs on my hard drive as well. I don't own a CD player anymore, and my DVD player broke... so why keep them?

It's been a weird couple weeks. I've grown less and less attached to my things. They aren't me. They aren't even my memories. I keep those with me. Some things may remind me of who I am and what I have seen and done, but if I've got a picture of it, I don't necessarily need to keep the physical object. It's been like I'm shedding a layer of skin. I'm letting go of things and know I'm alright with who I am and the people I love. I don't need much in this world, but I do need to give and receive love. Sometimes things get in the way of that need.

Anyway, I'm not making any rash decisions, just to let you know... I'm planning in my my own roundabout way. Like I said, I have work until May. I'll be back in Milwaukee for a visit in April, and then back to work at Summerfest in June. Hope you are all well.

Dance Dance Ybor

I have been in the habit of making random friends for as long as I can remember. In fact, my mom has lovingly told countless stories of when I was young and she would take me to the playground. I would light up like the sun and scream "KIDS!!!" as soon as we got out of the car. Within 5 minutes, I would have some poor child by the hand, dragging them back to introduce my new "friend" to my mommy. It was the first thing I ever collected - friendship.

If you browse my Facebook page, I could tell you a million little stories from the different people I call friends. I think there are maybe 1 or 2 people in my list of 540 that I haven't met in person. But generally, the only people I accept as "friends" are people I actually know. There is the random boy I met at the ocean when I locked my keys in my car 10 months ago; the girl I met at EACYPAA in Kalamazoo 8 years ago. There are people I worked with in London; people I met on a fateful train journey from San Francisco to Chicago in 1999; people that I went to school with (grade school, high school, college in Madison, Milwaukee and London). Friends of friends in Chicago, Philadelphia, LA, NYC - all over. I am proud of the friendships I collect, and I'm always looking to expand my collection.

So lately, I have been using the internet to make more random friends. There is a newspaper here called Creative Loafing and they have a personals site where readers can hook up and find similar personalities through profiles. I got an email from a girl a few months back and we've been emailing and texting for a while now. Yesterday she was supposed to be in town with her friend for a metal show in Ybor. I was exhausted from working, and really just wanted to go to sleep, but I was bewitched by the possibility of meeting some cool new friends. So I changed out of my work clothes and dragged my butt down to Ybor.

I'm so glad I did. Despite the fact that I was freezing my ass off because I decided I didn't need my coat (or gloves), we had a great time. Sarah is my Florida sister now (like Amy is my Chicago twin). We didn't get much time to talk, but I could tell that she's someone cool that I will have lots in common with. Her friend Dayna was also very awesome. We have a metal kinship. Funny enough, Sarah had arranged to meet someone else from the interwebs at the same time - figured she would kill 2 birds with 1 stone. It was a big meet 'n' greet party. We went down to Gameworks and used some of the points left over from my birthday party to play Dance Dance Revolution. Sarah jumped all over in front of me to try to screw me up. I would post the pictures, but she hasn't added them to Facebook yet.

Anyway, it was a successful new friendship and I look forward to many random days with the 2 girls from Ft Myers.

PS This blog is especially for George ;)

Circuit City

I really haven't got much to say. I started back at work today. Fun times!

I was driving around after work trying to decide which grocery story to buy fruit from when I saw the big yellow sign on Circuit City that said "Store Closing." I remembered hearing that Circuit City was liquidating, but had no idea when that was taking place. I figured that would be a fun stop to make, and it was right next to Whole Foods - which is a good place to find fruit.

Besides the fact that most stuff is only 20% off at the moment (and I'm almost positive they inflated the prices before starting the sale), I still managed to spend nearly an hour and a half there. I thought about how I could buy myself a new DVD player if I had money (but why would I need it, since I'm selling all my DVDs?)... Then I thought about how I could get a new laptop if I had the money (because the TWO laptops I already have don't seem to be enough). Then I planted myself in front of the BOSE surround sound system (which was marked down from $499 to $399, and will not be going lower). But I would really need a TV, DVD and receiver to go with the awesome speakers. So I wandered off to the portable storage - and found a 1TB hard drive that was marked down to $235. I only paid $150 for mine. (This is why I'm convinced they inflated prices before starting markdowns.) The iPods were only 10% off, but most were already gone. There were tons of DVDs left still, but I couldn't find any titles I was willing to spend money on (at only 20%, $21.99 movies aren't that cheap).

After wandering every single isle daydreaming about the stuff I could have (that I don't really even want in reality) I finally settled on a cheap wireless mouse for my laptop and a package of Presentation Paper. Both are things I have been wanting for a while. Mostly because my touch pad drives me crazy. I ran out of Presentation Paper months ago and haven't been able to print any of my button-badges since. Overall, a successful trip. But god help me in an electronics store! I don't know what it is. I just get lost there. There's something ultimately calming for me to be near electronics and media, which I find ironic since they all require significant amounts of energy. Maybe I'm like this weird android that feels better around like-minded machines. But I guess that would mean I would feel the opposite in bookstores and libraries, which is not the case. Oh well. I just like "toys." I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Arctic Blast?

Why is it that I think I have blogged when I have actually done nothing? Is it because I sit around and think about writing things all day that I imagine I've put pen to paper in reality? Whatever it is, it's gotta stop!
Seriously, I just filled up my journal and I was flipping back through the pages over the last year and a half and noticed random notes scribbled in the margins during late night "brain spurts." I will be falling asleep sometimes and think of some really good phrase or an idea for a story, so I grab whatever is closest to me and write it down (which always happens to be my journal next to my bed). Problem is, I never go back and read them. I really need to come up with a system for organizing my notes, thoughts and ideas. I used to have this hand held tape recorder. That would probably be good now. But then again, I can use voice notes on my phone and I don't. I actually found some recordings on my old sim card from concerts I forgot I attended.

My brain is obviously swimming with all these story lines and half-formed thoughts for my books and blogs, yet I never seem to produce anything substantial. Does that happen to any of you? It's so frustrating because I know if I could actually get myself to do what it is my brain keeps telling me to do, I would be successful at it. Maybe that's what's stopping me. I don't know what successful looks like. Maybe I don't want to be successful because it's easier for me to be a loser.

Anyway, all these scattered thoughts over books and notebooks will have to be dealt with. Why is it that I finally make a resolve to do something grand just as I'm starting work again? Is it that whole failure, self-sabotage thing? Somebody please tell me to pull my thumb out and start going through my journals and organizing things!

By the way, the title is because the newscasters here are babbling on and on about this "arctic chill" that will be coming through Florida. Tomorrow night it will be 30 in Tampa. Oh no! 2 degrees below freezing. I think it's hilarious how there are all these major weather warnings out for the county I live in, all because the temp is approaching 0 Celsius. (Although I did complain earlier when I rode my bike to the Post Office and I didn't have gloves.) Anyway, laugh it up Northerners. Yes, sunny Florida is getting frost.

Pittsburg Fans are Lame

Not half an hour after I posted my rant about not being paid in 6 weeks, my friend Kathy at work sent me a text informing me that the checks were there. What a freaking relief!
I rushed over to pick up my monies and was then informed that from now on, they will be holding our checks for 30 days - which means that this check is supposed to pay February's rent, March's rent, my phone bill, credit card, feed me, and fill my gas tank for a month. It was $975. Not happening. URGH. So you guys on Facebook really need to buy the rest of my stuff LOL!

I just think its more than inconvenient what's happening. I was using the money from my sale to fix my teeth (I have to come up with $2100 for a bridge before my top tooth grows completely out of the root). But now the money I have been saving up will go to filling my gas tank and putting food in my belly. It's like I'm never going to get caught up. I just don't want to lose any more teeth!

Speaking of teeth, I had this really crazy dream the other night. I won't go into too much detail, but the president was in it and my friend Tommy from Milwaukee. Obama was telling me that we had to recycle this poisoned water from Iraq and Tommy was having me move his vinyl collection to make room for the water we had to store. I looked into a mirror to find that all of my teeth had turned black. Sarah, Tommy's wife, came up behind me and said "Oh, your teeth are dead! That's one of the side effects of handling this poisoned water. The only way we can fix it is by giving you a shot of straight adrenaline into your spinal cord. That way it will change your entire chemical makeup." Because of the unknown side effects of the spinal injection, I decided I would rather let my teeth fall out. Sounds like my subconscious has a lot on its plate!

Anyway, that's about all that's going on here. I have money. It's Superbowl Sunday (and the Superbowl is happening just a couple miles from my house). I am staying inside and pretending there is nothing different about this day. If I go outside I may get attacked by the crazy Steelers fans. Funny story - I splurged Friday night by going to my favorite restaurant, Thai Terrace. The restaurant is only 2 blocks from Raymond James Stadium and there was a tent with Superbowl merch taking up half of the parking lot. So I had to park in the other side of the lot (which Thai Terrace shares with the Ho Jo) and as I pulled in, a group of guys were standing outside being obnoxious. I got out of the car and they were like "HEY! this spot's only for Steelers fans!!" I just shot them a dirty look, hoping they would pick up my telepathic message of "I live here, get out of my city" and walked over the restaurant. Apparently football fans think they have control over everything when their team is in the Superbowl. LAME!

When Am I Gonna Get Paid?

GAH!!! I'm such a freaking loser. I couldn't even write 2 days in a row... urgh. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I have no good excuse for not writing, either. I spent ALL DAY on the internet yesterday. Mainly screwing around on Craigslist and Facebook. I also managed to look through concerts coming to Tampa, Orlando, Chicago, Milwaukee and Atlanta. Oh, and I read a bunch of Twitter updates. But I didn't write!

This is the only thing I have to write about, however: I have not received a paycheck since the 2nd week of DECEMBER. True. I worked this month. But I haven't been paid. Hmmmm...
In the 9 months that I have been doing freelance work for this studio, it has always been that I put my invoice in on Friday and receive a check the following Friday. Not once has it been any different - until this month! I have 2 invoices that the company is just sitting on. Tomorrow is the last day of January and rent is due. I have $12 in my checking account. I have about 120 miles left in my gas tank. I have enough food for 2 or 3 more days (I'll have to be creative with breakfast). This BLOWS!

You would think that if a company was going to change their policies on paying freelancers, they would give some sort of notice to said freelancers. But why would they do something thoughtful like that?! I sure freaking hope my apartment complex can work with me on this one. I am not about to pay $50 a day past the 3rd if I still haven't got a paycheck... GRRRRRRRR

Time to Do What it is I Do

Someone asked me today about my blog. I sorta shrugged it off as something I only seem to do when I am traveling. But then I got to thinking. Someone asked about my blog yesterday, too. And the someone yesterday went on to talk about her struggles with her art - completely not related to me - but something that was suggested to her struck a chord in me. Her professor told her to spend an hour a day on a project she's working on, and complete a small part of it. After two weeks, if she didn't like what she came up with, she could distract herself with something else.
I got sidetracked in my own mind while she was sharing this with me. I though to myself, "huh. I could easily sit down and write for an hour every day in stead of spend an hour idly staring at a computer screen." Would I be happy with my work after two weeks? Who knows? But at least I would be doing something towards my goal for that time period instead of sitting around feeling afraid to try.

So here I am. Writing my blog on nothing of importance. But in the big picture, it could be a huge step towards something much more meaningful. I don't want to sit around not doing things because I'm afraid of failing (or succeeding). I'm tired of saying "I'm working on a book" but doing nothing but organizing and re-organizing my notes. I want to DO.
Just like anything, it takes starting to actually start something. I talk about wanting to exercise 3-5 times a week, but end up staying in bed too long and coming up with excuses not to. (Aside: I very recently uncovered an extremely deep-rooted fear that goes back to being in and out of hospitals my entire childhood. I grew up being told I couldn't physically exert myself without getting sick, and therefore have had a subconscious belief that I cannot exercise which has manifested itself as fear of exercise and procrastination.) I'm proud to say that last night I went for a 12 mile bike ride. Sunday I rode 18 miles and last Friday I rollerbladed a mile for the first time in 2 years. I started something.

I talked about doing things differently all of last year, and for the most part I did things differently. For whatever reason, the universe has decided to present me with my biggest challenge in doing differently to date. I am attempting to give up a coping mechanism I've had my entire life. Fear is the only thing that holds me back. Fear that I'm going to have nothing left if I give this up (which is a reasonable fear because, let's face it: I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't even ingest caffeine). What will there be left for me to use to "cope" with? Pain and tears? That doesn't seem satisfying at all.

I read a book yesterday called "She: Understanding Feminine Psychology." It uses the myth of Psyche and Eros to illustrate a woman's path in life. It had me in tears when I was reading about Psyche's 4th and seemingly impossible task (which she fails at the end, but is subsequently rescued by Eros). I sort of feel as though I have been given this impossible task. My life has been set up for it. I was brought to Florida, given supportive friends, removed from distractions (I have ZERO crushes at the moment - there are NO cute boys in Tampa), and presented with these truths about myself that had never before occurred to me as something I could deal with. All the help is here if I need it. I just have to DO.

If biking and writing make successful examples of me DOING, I think I will be alright in my difficult task.

LOST

I'm talking about the television show, not actually being lost. I'm not quite sure I can get lost...
Anyway, I just spent the last 8 days re-watching my favorite series. This time, I kept a running list of questions that I have. Some of them are incredibly simple and really have no impact on the story line (like why does Rousseau say "there's no such thing as monsters" when they ask about the smoke monster). Others are central questions to the plot. Either way, I thought I would post them here. Maybe my fellow Lost fans can clear some things up if I've missed them. Feel free to comment and add questions of your own!

SEASON 1

1. How does Jack wake up in the middle of the jungle while everyone else seems to end up on the beach? EDIT: I only mention this because of a deleted scene on the DVD that shows Christian standing over Jack's body in the forest, telling Vincent to wake him up because he's got work to do. EDIT #2: how awesome that they repeated that scene when Jack found himself back on the island!!

2. Why does the smoke monster make mechanical noises? Why does it sound like an alarm?

3. It appeared that trees were being torn down in two different places at once on the first night - is there more than one smoke monster?

4. What happened to Christian's body?

5. Who are "Adam" and "Eve"?

6. What are the black and white stones found with Adam & Eve?

7. What does Rousseau know about the smoke monster? EDIT: That her team and her lover went into the temple hole and came back 'changed' !!!

8. What "sickness" was killing Rousseau's team that provoked her to kill them? EDIT: first actual concrete answer. going into the smoke monster's hole made them act crazy. granted, we don't know why or how, but we know there was never a weird flu bug or anything.

9. What are the whispers in the jungle? THEORY: time traveling Losties

10. Why did the psychic refuse to do Claire's first reading? What did he see?

11. Why does the psychic insist that Claire raise the baby? What "danger" surrounds the child?

12. Why did Kate lie about her dad taking her hiking and hunting?

13. How does John know all the things he does - predicting rain, tracking, hunting?

14. Why does Ethan appear to have super-human strength?

15. Why is the beach eroding?

16. What are the numbers? Where do they come from? Why are they powerful?

17. How did the Black Rock get into the middle of the island?

18. Who started the fire for the black pillar of smoke when Rousseau takes Claire's baby (there are no footprints)?

19. What does Locke see in the smoke monster?


SEASON 2

20. Why does Shannon (and later, Sayid) see Walt? What is he saying?

21. Why did the Others take so many of the Tailies, but none of the other Losties?

22. Where did the US Army knife come from? EDIT: in 1954 the US army was testing a hydrogen bomb on the island.

23. Was Dharma part of a US government project, or privately funded? --- NEVERMIND. The Hanso Foundation funded the Dharma Initiative.

24. How did the plane from Nigeria get on the island? EDIT: physically. I mean, Nigeria is half a world away from the South Pacific. How did that little passenger plane make it there?

25. Why do the Others dress like they are hillbillies? Why the costumes?

25. Why was Libby in the psych ward with Hurley?

26. Who dropped the palate of food? EDIT: In the Flame station, there was a command on the computer to have a palate drop. Did Patchy have food sent to the Losties?

27. Why does Dr Pierre Chang go by Marvin Candle in the Swan orientation tape, Mark Wickman in the Pearl orientation tape and Edgar Haliwax in the Orchid tape?

28. What's up with the giant bird that Hurley thinks says his name?

29. WTF is the 4-toed statue? Where is the rest of it?

30. What are the injections for?

31. How long have the Hostiles been on the island? Where did they come from?

32. What do the symbols in the countdown for the Swan station mean?

33. What exactly happens when the hatch implodes? Why does the sky turn purple?

34. Why does Ben give Michael a compass bearing of 325 (and all other travelings to and from the island are using a bearing of 305)? THEORY: possibly because the island moved in time when the hatch imploded. Faraday mentioned he would have to calculate a new bearing based on where they were in time. Michael's bearing is different from the other bearing because it is pre-hatch implode. ??


SEASON 3

35. What happened to Desmond's clothes?

36. How does Ms Hawking know the future and what Desmond needs to do?

37. Why does Brother Campbell have a picture with Ms Hawking on his desk? Does he also know Desmond's future?

38. Where did Karl come from? Was he born on the island? If so, how?

39. Why do the Others wear white cloth for Coleen's funeral? Do they have some weird religion on the island?

40. How can Mr Eko scare off the smoke monster at first?

41. Did Richard Alpert somehow arrange Juliet's husband getting hit by a bus?

42. What is the branding "mark" mean that Juliet gets for killing Danny?

43. Who the fuck is Jacob???

44. What happened to the bird with the note that Claire tied to its leg?

45. Why won't Ben let Juliet take someone off the island for further fertility testing?

46. Why won't he let Juliet see her sister?

47. Can Ben really cure cancer?

48. What is the symbol in the tree (where the medical supplies are hidden)?

49. When Juliet is yelling at Sawyer and Sayid about being 'moral police' she asks Sayid if they know about Bosrah. What happened with Sayid in Al-Bosrah?

50. Why does Naomi have a picture of Desmond and Penny?

51. What was Naomi's original purpose of coming to the island?

52. How does Anthony Cooper get to the island?

53. Why does Ben start getting better once Locke gets to the barracks?

54. Why does Ben ask Richard (sarcastically) if he still remembers birthdays? Does that mean that he no longer ages, but once did?

55. Why does Richard Alpert appear not to age?

56. What happened to Ben's friend Annie? Did Ben kill her too?

57. What is the perimeter to Jacob's cabin for?

58. Why can't Locke see Jacob?

59. What does Jacob tell Ben?

60. Why is Locke supposed to help Jacob?

61. Did Desmond really see Claire and Aaron get on a rescue helicopter?

62. What happens to Charlie's DS ring? Will Claire ever find it?

63. Did Ben start jamming communication on the island after the anomaly?

64. Why does Jack keep referring to his father in the flash forward as though he is alive? Is it just because he's on drugs, or is his father one of the "undead"?

65. Why is the funeral in the ghetto and why did no one show up?

66. Why is Mikail nearly invincible?


SEASON 4

67. Who is the tall black guy that comes to see Hurley in the psych ward, Locke in the hospital and has a meeting with Naomi?

68. How the hell does Charlie come to visit Hurley? Is he dead? Is Hurley crazy? Why does the other patient see Charlie too? ("I am dead. But I am also here." WTF)

69. Why is Daniel Faraday crying when he sees the coverage of Oceanic 815 on the news?

70. What is the machine Miles brings to the woman's house? How does he talk to dead people?

71. What is Daniel talking about when he says that the light doesn't scatter right on the island?

72. Why is Charlotte so interested in Oceanic 815?

73. Why is there a polar bear skeleton in Tunisia with a Dharma collar?

74. Why does Sayid seem to recognize Naomi's bracelet and its inscription?

75. Who is R.G.?

76. Why does Elsa have the same bracelet as Naomi?

77. What exactly is the experiment Daniel does with the beacon? Why does the payload arrive later? Why do the clocks differ by 31 minutes?

78. Who is the guy Sayid kills on the golf course?

79. Why does Miles want 3.2 millions dollars? What is the significance of the amount?

80. Who and what is Ben and why does Widmore say everything Ben has he took from Widmore?

81. What are Charlotte and Daniel doing with the cards? EDIT: Trying to improve Daniel's memory. From the amount of time travel he's done, he does not remember many things (like meeting Desmond at Oxford).

82. How did the helicopter with Sayid and Desmond take off at dusk and land in the middle of the day?

83. Why does Daniel not remember Desmond coming to Oxford? EDIT: because he's a time-traveling nutter

84. Why does Daniel's journal say "if anything goes wrong Desmond Hume will be my constant"?

85. Who does Juliet resemble to Ben?

86. Why does Regina jump overboard?

87. Who really faked the Oceanic 815 crash at the bottom of the ocean (Tom tells Michael that Widmore did it; Captain Gault tells Desmond and Sayid that Ben did it)?

88. Where did Frank Lupidis go on his "errand" and what was it?

89. Why won't the island let Michael kill himself (or how)?

90. How does the doctor show up on the island dead before he is killed?

91. Why/how does Ben wake up in the middle of the Sahara on October 24, 2005 directly after he moves the island?

92. Why does Ben go as Dean Moriarty in Tunisia? Why does the clerk look so frightened once she knows who he is?

93. Why was Nadia murdered?

94. What "rules" did Widmore change when he killed Alex?

95. How did Ben call the smoke monster? Why was he so dirty when he came back?

96. Why does Charles Widmore claim the island is his: always has been, and will be again?

97. Why did Jack get appendicitis on the island?

98. Why do dead Losties come to visit Hurley?

99. What is Kate doing for Sawyer when Jack is waiting for her at home?

100. Why didn't the smoke monster kill Keamy and the rest of the soldiers?

101. Why did Claire go with Christian and leave Aaron behind?

102. Why is Richard Alpert at the hospital when Locke is a baby? EDIT: because in 1954 John Locke tells Richard Alpert that he is going to be born 2 years later.

103. What is the test Richard Alpert has young Locke take (with the Book of Laws, baseball glove, vial of sand, compass, comic book and knife)? Why does he freak out when Locke chooses the knife?

104. Why was Locke drawing pictures of the smoke monster when he was young?

105. Why does the "secondary protocol" have a Dharma symbol on it?

106. Why are Claire and Christian speaking for Jacob and what the hell do they tell Locke besides that he has to move the island?

107. How did Claire's mom recover from the car accident?

108. What does Miles mean when he tells Charlotte he's surprised she doesn't want to stay after how much time she spent trying to get "back here"? EDIT: rephrase the question - HOW does Miles know Charlotte was born on the island before she remembers it herself?

109. What does Sawyer tell Kate before he jumps out of the helicopter?

110. Why does Sun want to help Charles Widmore? EDIT: because she wants to kill Ben and thinks he is responsible for Jin's (supposed) death

111. What does Sun blame Jack for?

112. Why is John Locke also known as Jeremy Bentham?

113. How does Michael leave the island on day 65, go home, alienate his son, try to kill himself by crashing his car, recover, try to kill himself again, get talked into helping Ben by a visit from Tom, get a job on a freighter that also carries Naomi, Miles, Frank, Charlotte and Faraday, and be in the middle of the ocean for Naomi to parachute onto the island before day 81 or 82 (she dies on day 90)????

114. Horace Goodspeed was killed in the "purge" by the Hostiles and Ben 12 years prior to the crash. That means Dharma was wiped out in 1992. Kelvin Inman joins the Dharma Initiative after the Gulf War, which ended in 1991. Desmond crash landed on the island in 2001. How is it that Kelvin pushed the button for 9 years and the Others never came to bother/kill him?


**EDIT**
I went onto the Lost wiki (BIG mistake) a little while ago. I just read one article and scrolled down to the "unanswered questions" section. ..cough.. I found 20 more questions that I didn't even *think* were questions in less than 30 seconds on that site! I'm so screwed. Well, at least you know that these were my honest questions before I became ultra-obsessed. If I find answers, I'll update in blue.
http://lostpedia.wikia.com

Year in Music

As far as music goes, forget Pitchfork's top 50 albums of the year. What do they know anyway??
This is the reason my top 50 list is so much better than Pitchfork's: I give you links to my favorite track from each album!

50. Louis XIV Slick Dogs & Ponies Guilt By Association
49. Safetysuit Life Left to Go Someone Like You
48. Oxford Collapse Bits Young Love Delivers
47. Feral Children Second to Last Frontier Baby Joseph Stalin
46. Copeland Beneath Medicine Tree She Changes Your Mind
45. Tickle Me Pink Madeline Typical
44. Cajun Dance Party The Colourful Life No Joanna
43. Innerpartysystem S/T Heart on Fire
42. Hawthorne Heights Fragile Future Rescue Me
41. Rise Against Appeal to Reason Re-Education (Through Labor)
40. Black Kids Partie Traumatic I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You
39. Sigur Rós Með Suð í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust Með suð í eyrum
38. The Cure 4:13 Dream Sleep When I'm Dead
37. Envy & Other Sins We Leave at Dawn Don't Start Fires
36. Los Campesinos! Hold on Now, Youngster You! Me! Dancing!
35. The Plastic Constellations We Appreciate You Perched on a Porch
34. Fairmont Transcendence Melt Your Heart
33. TV on the Radio Dear Science Red Dress
32. Aqualung Words and Music 7 Keys
31. The Envy Corps Dwell Story Problem
30. Fall Out Boy Folie a Deux Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes
29. Ludo You're Awful I Love You Love Me Dead
28. Elliot Minor S/T Jessica
27. Son, Ambulence Someone Else's Déjà Vu Horizons
26. The Presets Apocalypso Talk Like That
25. Anthony Green Avalon She Loves Me So
24. Radiohead In Rainbows Videotape (it did get released Jan 1 2008!)
23. The Ting Tings We Started Nothing Shut Up and Let Me Go
22. Ours Mercy Live Again
21. Snow Patrol A Hundred Million Suns Disaster Button
20. Neil Halstead Oh, Mighty Engine Elevenses
19. The Killers Day & Age Human
18. Jack's Mannequin The Glass Passenger The Resolution
17. Bayside Shudder Moceanu
16. Edison Glass Time is Fiction Our Bodies Sing
15. Pendulum In Silico Granite
14. The Wombats A Guide to Love, Loss and Desperation Moving to New York
13. The Futureheads This is Not the World Radio Heart
12. Curbsquirrels We Wish We Knew How to Quit This 8-Bit
11. Travis Ode to J. Smith J. Smith
10. Kerli Love is Dead Creepshow
9. Liam Finn I'll Be Lightning Second Chance
8. Shiny Toy Guns Season of Poison I Owe You a Love Song
7. Bell X1 Flock Flame
6. Coldplay Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends Violet Hill
5. Margot & the Nuclear So and So's Not Animal! Broadripple is Burning
4. Hot Chip Made in the Dark Ready for the Floor
3. Nada Surf Lucky I Like What You Say
2. Dear & the Headlights Drunk Like Bible Times Try
1. MUSE H.A.A.R.P. Hysteria


The only reason I put a live album in the #1 slot is because it's MUSE and they can do no wrong. There is no new material - just recordings from their Wembley Stadium gigs in 2007. So really, you can say DATH is #1 on my list, Nada Surf #2, and so on.

As for live music this year, I didn't get the chance to see much of anything. Of course I saw Editors, Hot Hot Heat and Louis XIV 3 times at the start of the year. Editors were amazing, as always. I tried to catch the Envy Corps in NY, but found out they canceled the rest of their shows to tour in England. I was able to see some new bands because I went without knowing they had canceled. Check out The Myriad if they ever come near you. Same goes for Vedera. The vocalist for Vedera looked like a little pixie... I wanted to hug her.

I finally saw Hot Chip this year, and it was the only show that made me bust out and dance. That rarely happens, but I broke a sweat at that Hotlanta show.

One of my favorite concerts of the year was Dear & the Headlights. They played the Orpheum and I went by myself - but had such a great experience I would drive hours to see them again.

Check out my videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/darkshines8
There are some great full length Nada Surf videos, as well as a few other gems from this year.
Looking forward to a greatly musical 2009!

The Best Year of My Life

I'm watching CNN at the moment as they are re-capping 2008. Every half hour they show another major city celebrating the coming of 2009. The headline reads: Good Riddance 2008! I don't know about you, but I can't relate to all the reporting about 2008 being a terrible year for everyone. I think I may be the only one that considers 2008 the best year of my life!

As promised, here is a list of my favorite memories (both "good" and "bad") of being 28 years old. The mantra for the year has been "I am completely open to what the universe has in store for me." [This was an incredibly fulfilling year, so it's a long list]:

*Spending two days with Editors. Having Ed and Chris suggest I tattoo their faces on my boobs. Talking with Tom for hours about music and the downfall of NME. Turning down the drunken bass player from Louis XIV.

*Getting 18" of snow in one night and then leaving Milwaukee a week later.

*Saying goodbye to the Milwaukee skyline at the lakefront with Jonathan.

*8th row tickets to Matchbox Twenty with Shana (sitting behind the Charlie look-a-like guitar player from Mute Math).

*Staying with Jen in Manchvegas - cheeseballs, Rock of Love, Cracker Barrel, the Crab.

*Locking my keys in the car at the oceanfront and meeting Jon. Getting a personal tour of the oldest settlement in NH.

*Watching LOST with Liz (and kissing the almost life-size cutout of Dom).

*Driving the Blue Ridge Parkway.

*Having an awesome first date with Justin - swimming in the Gulf at 3am.

*Nada Surf at the State Theatre with Aimee.

*Finding a ticket on eBay to see Eddie Izzard, and making a friend at the same time.

*Driving around with Amanda, Aimee and Christina to the dog park.

*Male Order Brides show with Aimee - crazy bar fight.

*Green Lake with Addie, Kelsa, Micheal and Melanie.

*Sean giving me his PS2 - and all the subsequent Guitar Hero and Rock Band playing.

*Surprise party for my 9 year anniversary.

*Howl-o-Scream with Corey and Jen. Riding Sheikra.

*Halloween Horror Nights with Christina. Wandering the Streets of Blood (or whatever it was called) and saying "I could stay here all night" as a tall ghoul came straight up to me and stared me down. oooooooh it was the sexiest moment of 2008!!

*Re-discovering my love for baseball... watching the Rays not win the World Series.

*Driving to Atlanta with Christina to see Hot Chip. Lychees. Zombie scabs.

*Seeing Dear & the Headlights at the Orpheum.

*Watching Obama turn Florida blue with all my friends!

*Trip to Seattle to see Sarah. Shopping at Trader Joe's. Watching Twilight. Eating Coldstone Creamery. Paul giving me 30 Days of Night graphic novel. Grabbing boobies.

*New Kids on the Block concert with Christina.

*Melanie giving me Bella and Alice.


Here are some of the more disappointing memories of 2008:

*Breaking a tooth on the way home from Editors in Madison.

*18" of snow in one night.

*Sleeping in my car on Easter in Vermont in 5 degree weather.

*Trying lobster for the first time - gross.

*Boston and the aftermath of Wagamama's.

*Smurfette dying.

*Having my car towed at the Eddie Izzard gig.

*Any time I hung out with Justin after the first date. lol

*Having a tooth pulled (and signing divorce papers) on my trip back to Milwaukee.

*Rays not winning the World Series.

*Twilight movie.

*Not being able to skydive.


Thank you to all my wonderful friends, both old and new, that have made this such a fantastic year. It has been a pleasure getting to know you Jon, Aimee, Christina, Amber, Erin, Barbara, Mike, Brian F, Corey, Lil Jen, Dan, Jamie, Debbie, Jessica, Melanie M, Nick, and everyone else along my travels and since my move to Tampa.

another year

Today I turned 29.
I would have to say that it was the best birthday I can remember having - mostly because I drove around with the windows down and wore a short sleeved t-shirt all day :)

I guess I'll back up a bit. I've been very busy lately, and it's been good. I was working a lot, and more recently making presents for everyone (CDs will be in the mail this week), as well as spending a lot of time with my friends. I was starting to get a bit sad this week because I am away from my family during the holidays - and I was missing James a bit. It's the first birthday I've been single for since 2001.
Fortunately, I have amazing friends (like I've mentioned before) and we had a couple great nights planned. Friday night Christina, Aimee, Amanda and I went to Outback for my traditional birthday meal of steak. The 3 of them were in top form and had me laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee on myself. The waitress brought me the free ice cream and they sang "Happy Birthday" to me. She didn't believe I was 29. She said she thought maybe 19 or 20. Awesome. Apparently I'm the only one that looks younger the older I get.

Last night a bunch of us went to Gameworks in Ybor City to play arcade games. I don't really care for the regular video games - I prefer the old school stuff. I spent nearly 2 hours playing skeeball and pinball. I played a round of DDR with Jen, and a round with Josef. We then went to a place that serves "Alaskan" tacos. An Alaskan taco is a taco that is deep-fried with all the ingredients in it. They had gator tacos, and since this year has been all about trying things I've never tried before, I got a gator taco. Surprisingly, I liked the gator taco better than the beef taco. I couldn't even eat half the beef taco - I gave it to Christina (it wasn't ground beef - it was like a slab of hamburger cooked in a shell). Gross.

Before Gameworks, a boy took me out to my favorite restaurant for Thai food. It was super sweet, and I had a great time. More will be revealed on this subject...

The best gift I got was from Melanie. She bought me 2 baby rats and the cage and all their stuff. I was so excited! Melanie hates rats, but she loves me enough to get me something she can't stand just because they make me happy. awwww!! (check out the ratties on my shoulder in the pic)

What I really wanted, however, was to go skydiving today. I have always wanted to do it, and this is the first time in my life I was in a place where it was possible to do it in the middle of December. I asked everyone I knew in Tampa if they wanted to join me. A few people said they were interested, but not financially able to join me. Amanda was the only person willing (with my persuasion) to jump out of a plane with me. We drove out to Zephyrhills, Sky Dive City at 3pm. There were a few clouds, but consistent loads taking off every 15 minutes. Something held our instructors up, and we sat and waited a very long time to be suited up and strapped into our harnesses. We finally boarded the tiny plane with about 20 other jumpers (you're crammed in side by side, straddling two long padded benches). I was watching the altimeter climb slowly as we rose above the clouds. Looking out the window, I started thinking about the past year. We came through the layer of thick white and the sun was starting to go down, which gave the clouds a very surreal textured glow about them. I started to tear up at the beauty of it, and how it was a complete miracle that I was even sitting on that plane. I looked over at Amanda, who was in such an intense state of shock I'm not sure she even realized she was on a plane anymore. I was so relaxed and peaceful, and couldn't wait to get out and be a part of the clouds when my ears went funny. I looked down at the altimeter and we had just reached 9000' but we were falling. The other jumpers were putting their helmets on and I was totally confused. The guy I was supposed to tandem with leaned forward and said the cloud cover was too thick and the pilot decided to land. I thought he was joking, but then realized the altimeter was falling twice as fast as we climbed. No good. Just under the clouds, at 5000' the licensed jumpers flew out the door one by one. There were 5 trainees, Amanda and I, and the 2 instructors left. They closed the airplane door and buckled themselves back in. We really were landing.
The plane touched down and my physical reaction was immediate. I was going to cry, and it was going to be a thorough cry. The guys were saying that we could wait around for the last 30 minutes of daylight to see if the clouds cleared up, but it was unlikely. I was like "Happy fucking birthday to me," and then started to cry. I couldn't stop myself. I kept trying to breathe it down, and look up - all the tricks I know to keep myself from crying, but I just couldn't hold it back. The one instructor kept trying to give me a hug and tell me that I could just get a rain check and come back any time, but it wasn't helping. He offered to buy me a drink ("it's nothing a few margaritas can't fix" - oh little does he know!)... They called it for sure - weather stopped the last load from taking off. We got unstrapped and out of the ill-fitting jumpsuits and slumped back to the car. As soon as I shut the door I told Amanda I was just going to let it out - since the tears were forcing their way past my eyes like some monster trying to escape its cage. And I did. I couldn't understand why I was so utterly crushed. I mean, it has been a life goal of mine - but I will get another chance. I sent a message to a few friends saying I couldn't stop crying and Christina had a good insight - I had all sorts of pent up anticipation and adrenaline, and my body was just releasing it. So true. When I was done crying, I felt much better. I even laughed my ass off at Amanda and how scared she had been (I have been telling her for 5 days that all she has to do is get on the plane and it will be okay - and she did get on the plane; she just didn't have to jump out of it). Even though I was sad, the thought kept running through my head that "there is always a reason" for things not working out the way I want them to. Who knows what could have happened.

The disappointment gave way to a great meal at Five Guys with Jen, Christina and Amanda - followed by a trip to Cold Stone Creamery. By the way, Christina got me the Vampire Book (a complete encyclopedia of vampire myths and lore!). Amanda and I came home and played with the new babies and Aimee stopped by to drop off her gift to me: a t-shirt with lions on it!

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I just started to write my conclusion for this blog with a list of my favorite moments for the year, when I realized I really want to relive and cherish those memories - so I'm postponing the conclusion. I may do the list later tonight; I may post it tomorrow. Either way, I am not quite finished, but not quite ready to finish my 28th year. Until that post...

My Friends Over You

Let me tell you about my friends...

For about a week now I've had a date planned for tonight (12/1). At first I wasn't terribly excited. I don't like to get my hopes up for dates in case they don't turn out well. My friend Jessica was playing excited for me. She kept saying "I have such a good feeling about this!" and I just smiled and said I was glad she did.
Over the last few days I had numerous phone conversations with my date. Needless to say, they were awesome and I found myself becoming more and more thrilled at the planned meeting. We were both building this up to be 3-D awesome.

He was in Milwaukee yesterday and was flying back to Orlando last night. I spoke to him last at about 1pm and he said he would call me later since he was almost to the airport.
He didn't call back but I didn't really think about it until today.
I didn't hear from him all day.
I left work and started my preparations for the date. I had more than a handful of friends now wanting updates and wishing me luck. It seems everyone has taken an interest in my love life here. I guess I'm not the only one wishing for a happy ending after all the heartache of the past few years.

Here's the deal. He was supposed to be in Tampa for work this week. He was driving in with his boss. I knew he was most likely busy with work, but I just wanted to make sure we were still on for dinner so I sent a message asking. It was a while before I heard back and was told about complications with work. My gut already told me the date wasn't going to happen, but I held onto a bit of hope. He called and explained the situation and was trying to get his boss to let him stay another day so he could train people further (aka hang out with Vega). I waited.

I continued to get ready. I have to admit my outfit was fantastic. My hair looked great. My makeup was cooperating. There was no way I was letting this go to waste. So I decided to take a trip to the airport post office to mail some packages and wait for a response.
It came.
He had to go back to Orlando.
I was extremely disappointed. I also understood that he was exhausted from not getting a lot of sleep and having a crazy day at work. But mostly, I had built up all this excitement and expectations had developed; I felt really empty all of a sudden.

Its no secret that I'm totally crazy. My head likes to visit dark places and make up stories all on its own. It's sort of like the movie Amelie. Nino doesn't show up for a meeting Amelie tries to set up (by hiding ripped pictures with a message in the trash) and she imagines that he was kidnapped by bank robbers, shipped off to Istanbul where Afghan raiders try to make him steal Russian warheads but their truck hits a mine in Tajikistan. He survives, but takes to the hills and becomes a Mujaheddin. My insanity isn't quite that extreme, but it took me to a place where he had made up the whole story about work and he hadn't even been in Tampa. I'm guessing its because James used to lie to me about all sorts of things. But still... Ridiculous. I caught myself before giving my imagination free reign and sent out a message to Christina, Aimee, Jen and Jessica. I just said that I was going to Starbucks because the date was off - that if I went home I would just cry myself to sleep (what can I say? I've a knack for being over dramatic).

I got replies immediately. Christina first; Aimee next, reminding me that it wasn't the end of the world and that it would just have to happen another night - but that she understood the disappointment and she was on her way. Jessica just sent a message saying "On my way!" and Jen followed suit. I wandered over to Starbucks and found only one person I knew there. Nicola calmed my crazies while I waited for the others.

They all showed up. I was feeling much better already and my heart warmed at how they came out for me. Jessica had been on a date! Aimee was in bed. None of them said any of that in their replies - they just heard I was upset and came to be with me. That is amazing. That is friendship.
If I had known my friends were so amazing like this, I would have asked for them when I was actually upset - on those nights when I used to cry myself to sleep about James and that whole messed up situation. I had a gold mine of friendship that I hadn't thought to tap into.

We sat and talked about Twilight. We joked about other stupid things. I showed them pictures of the snow that my mom and Liz sent me (apparently it dumped 9" on Waukesha yesterday). Jessica had called Amanda and let her know that I was upset and she showed up as well. I was surrounded by my favorite people in Tampa, and full of love for those fabulous women.
I may not have had a fantastically hot date tonight, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself with my friends.

I want them all to know that I would do the same for any of them; I would drop anything for them. Any time.