MUSE, Vampires and Apollo

For some reason I have found my thoughts collecting into a blog post. I have been trying to force myself to write my book, with little success. My emotions have been too raw to think about so I have forced myself into reading for distraction, however the distraction has been so damn good that I can think of little else!!

I had heard about this Twilight series a while back, but like everything else, I have to try to be cool and not jump on the band wagon. My curiosity finally got the best of me when it was suggested that I find a non-human distraction. I was sucked in immediately (haha. get it? vampire? sucked?)

What's amazing about these books, is not that they are superbly written or immensely creative - because they are not even very original - but that I am able to channel my emotions through them. Apparently this is a healthy was of dealing with things (as pointed out to my by my amazing sponsor). So I have been letting it all come. It's been a painful trip through the relationship in the books - and when I start to cry, I allow myself the tears. At one point I got so upset that I really had to skip to the end and read the last chapter just to make sure I could make it through the painful 450 pages in between. Don't you wish life was like that? That you could just skip to the end? Reminds me of a Futureheads song...

Today I decided I was going to read the entire second book. But like the first, I had to have the second ready to read immediately. I prepared myself by running out to Sam's Club to get the third book. Only they didn't have it anymore, so I made another trip to Target. That damn store is dangerous to my finances. I came back and got myself situated on the couch. I was only about 85 pages into the 2nd book when I started reading this afternoon. I guess somewhere inside I hope the sooner I go through the books and feel my pain, the sooner I will heal. I'm not quite sure it works that way, but I figured I would give it a go.

Nearly 500 pages is what I've read in the last 12 hours. I think it's a record. I didn't even read Harry Potter straight through like this (although I was purposely savoring the final book - drawing out every line because I didn't want that world to end for me). I read through her acknowledgements at the end of my marathon and was astonished to find a special thank you to the band MUSE. Thinking about it now, though doesn't really surprise me that Stephenie Meyer is a huge MUSE fan. It makes so much sense why I would like her books so much. Apparently she attributes some "emotions, scenes and plot threads" to "their genius." Awesome.

So then I did some thinking. I have always been drawn to vampire stories. I have always been obsessed with vampires, really. I think as far back as I can remember I have been a "vampire goddess" or some form of Gothy vampire for Halloween. Last year I made an exception because I could fit into my renaissance dress again. I wore that costume for Halloween the year it was made for me - 2000. But other than those 2 years, I have been a vampire. While we were at Busch Gardens last night, I realized that I had left my vampire fangs in my wallet. Yeah. That's right. I carry vampire teeth in my wallet at all times. Strange? Definitely. When we dropped Corey off I dug them out to show Jen. She was fascinated that they weren't the normal cheesy vampire teeth - that they were caps that actually looked like fangs. I really need a new pair, but these still do the job. LOL

Then I was thinking again about my obsession with vampires. Trying to pinpoint where it started. I suddenly remembered that my favorite book in 3rd grade was Bunnicula (published in 1979 - my birth year - coincidence??). It was a series about a vampire-bunny that sucked juice out of vegetables. I made my mom order all the books in the series for me through the book club. I haven't pried my memory too much further back yet to see if there's some sort of hidden reasoning for my strange preoccupation. I'll let you know if I come up with anything further, though.

After reading the acknowledgements and the other bands Meyers thanks (Travis, Coldplay, and Brand New among the named), I mentioned to James that it sounded like I needed to be Ms Meyers friend. We must have too much in common. I became more curious and went on an internet search to find out how old she was (she's almost exactly 6 years older than me - our birthdays are 3 days apart). Of course I became distracted by information on the books (and I'm sure I read a couple spoilers but at this point I don't even care anymore). In the small town of Forks, WA where the majority of the story takes place, they celebrate Stephenie Meyer Day - which is September 13th - the birthday of Bella Swan, the main character. September 13th also happens to be my sobriety birthday (yeah, I just had 9 years *grins*). Another strange coincidence?

My digging went a little further and I was reading about a comparison of Edward Cullen to the Greek god Adonis. I remembered that Barbara suggested I re-name my car something positive (rather than after the name of a dead character on LOST). I forgot to mention this... I decided to keep the car previously known as Charlie and in making that decision, I smudged and cleansed the vehicle to rid it of all the negative energy from the last 4 months of bad experiences (and previous who knows how long of terribly ownership). I still hadn't thought of a new name. But as I was reading about Adonis, I thought maybe I could re-name Charlie Adonis - after my new obsession with Edward. Adonis is the god of birth, death and rebirth - but also of vegetation. There were more stories that warned me that this wasn't so fitting a name as I originally thought. So I did a search for other Greek gods and goddesses. I had thought previously about Aphrodite, but she just reminded me of my early rave days. But then I started reading about Apollo. Apollo has been variously recognized as a god of light and the sun; truth and prophecy; medicine and healing; music, poetry, and the arts. I could not wish for a better symbol. So thank you Stephenie Meyer for inadvertently leading me to a new name for my little Civic!

I hope you have enjoyed my hopeless rambling. I'm going to dream of vampires and MUSE concerts!

Howl-O-Scream

Last night I had more fun than I can remember having in a long time. Up until then, I really had no reason to blog because I didn't want to depress you all with my sap (I've been going through a pretty emotional time).

My friend Corey works at Busch Gardens and friday night offered me a ticket to the Howl-O-Scream preview for saturday night. I asked if he could get another ticket so I could bring someone with me. Lil' Jen was the lucky recipient. Corey joked about how we could be the broken hearts club, since Jen just split with her boyfriend and Corey just got his girl stolen. Anyway, we got there and immediately had a good time. Jen was distracted by every shop we walked by because there were these crazy hats. That seemed to amuse Corey - he mentioned that we are probably the only people on the planet that come to a theme park and go directly to the gift shop.

The park was pretty crowded so the lines were long, but because we had the VIP with us, we were able to go through the exit on a couple rides. I have no idea what the ride was called, but it was the most amazing roller coaster I'd been on (granted, I haven't been on a roller coaster in 7 years)... It dropped straight down after hanging you over the edge at a 90 degree angle facing the ground. It was soooooo awesome. Jen and Corey were both scared before going on, and they commented on how I was so relaxed. When we got off the ride I wanted so badly to just jump back in line and do it again! We got to the area where they have your pictures up from the initial drop. I laughed so hard when I saw Jen's face. (She's going to be so mad that I posted this here, but I think it was such a good time it needs to be shared!) We sat and laughed at the screen for 10 minutes, I swear.

We made it to 2 of the 5 haunted houses. I was pretty disappointed, just because I'm used to going to the most terrifying houses in Wisconsin. We used to drive a couple hours to the best rated haunted houses around. So BG + 10,000 people = not so scary. But that's alright. I've got the whole month of October to find a scary haunted house. Not to mention Universal's version of Howl-O-Scream (which I've heard is actually really frightening).

PS If anyone finds a cute vampire boy, send him my way!

Heartache and Other Things

First of all, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogging I've let slip by. Don't worry, I've got notes to recapture my trip to Wisconsin, I just haven't quite had the energy to relive it all yet.
That being said, I am blogging at 5am because I don't know what else to do with myself when I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I can't really call anyone right now, and besides, I don't think that would help at the moment anyway.

So have you ever met someone that you just had this instant connection with? Like you just felt as if you knew them? Or you felt extremely comfortable with them? This has happened only twice to me. The first saved my life without ever realizing it. The second has obviously crossed my path to teach me some sort of lesson, of which I've no clue what to do with. Either way, I've been extremely disappointed by both situations in the last month.
While I was back home, I had a number of things to take care of that were less than pleasant. Who actually wants to get together with their ex and fill out divorce paperwork? Not this girl. That whole situation was so uncomfortable I wish I could have avoided it altogether. Divorce fucking sucks. Even if it's for the best. So I wanted to distract myself from that and visit this first good friend of mine. He has always been there for me in the past, and has twice taught me immensely valuable things that have changed my life. Anyway, I had these expectations that things were going to be as they always were. My bad. He is not the same person. He hasn't the capacity to care for others at the moment. His life is consumed by the lifestyle that I left behind nearly 9 years ago. I had no idea it was this bad. I drove 3 hours to see him, only to be told that he was going out to a bar to meet up with a girl. I was crushed. All I wanted was to spend some time with him - so he could make me feel better. That was my first mistake. I cried myself home wondering why it is that I do this to myself. I am constantly trying to relive some moment out of my past that was happy. Are things in my life so fucked that I need to retreat to the past to find glimmers of happiness? Apparently so.
As much as it saddens me that my friend is unable to be there for me (as selfish as that sounds), it also tears me up to see him fall into that mess of alcoholism. All I can do is step back and watch him beat himself into the ground. But what I need to do is let go of the past. Move forward.
This brings me to the second person. He actually said that to me tonight - that everything with James was in the past, I can't change it and I need to move on. I needed to hear that so much. I've been trying to move forward, but I just keep clinging. I think the answer is somewhere in my memories. Like the more I examine every situation in the past 6 years inside my brain, I will eventually come up with a reason for why it all happened. Why I met someone that made me happy, only to not be allowed to be with them (literally - by the government). And after all that bullshit, it all fell apart. I keep running over every aspect in my mind trying to figure out where it went wrong, and how, if at all, I could have done things differently to save it. I should not have left England after we got married. Or, I should have come right back on a different visa. If only we hadn't been separated for 2 years, maybe it would have worked out. blah blah blah. Pointless, because I can't go back and change the past. But I so desperately want to know why I had to go through so much pain for nothing.
One thing I've always told myself is that if something ends, its only because there's something better in store for me. I really can't bring myself to believe it this time. I feel like the only chance I had to be happy with another person has passed, and I failed. So now I'll be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. Really. I'm sure other people have felt this way. But when you're in it, you know nothing anyone says makes you feel any better.
Getting back to the point at hand... I met this boy just before my trip back home. I felt instantly connected. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He's intelligent and thoughtful. He's super cute. He's also young and unstable. And by unstable, I mean a lot less sober than I am. LOL. That's the only way I can put it nicely. But anyway, I just felt so comfortable around him, and we had this amazing time the day before I left. It was like I had something to look forward to in Florida, which is a good thing because it made the bullshit in Wisconsin much more bearable. But as the weeks went by while I was away, it was becoming clear to me that things weren't as rosy with my new friend as they first appeared to be. And the first thing I wanted to do was grasp hold of these shiny new memories of how happy I was before I left - and try to hang on. I find myself trying to talk myself into believing its all good and this is a perfect situation, but it's not. I have no business infringing upon this person's life at the moment. They have a huge amount of change going on. They are dealing with a lot, and still trying to figure out how to live life without alcohol. But of course, my feelings are already roped in and I want to relive that happy memory over and over because it's all I've got at the moment. A glimpse of happiness. Something to show me that it is possible.
Tonight this person basically broke up with me before we had the chance to be a couple. I give him a huge amount of credit for having the balls to do the right thing where I was too weak to even say "hey, this isn't fair to you." But jesus-fucking-christ I don't understand why every time I think I may get something good in my life, it has to disappear right away. I really had this desire to just give to this person. For the first time I can remember, I truly wanted to be selfless - for someone else's happiness. It was a weird thing to experience. He just made me feel that way. But fucking reality is, neither of us has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment. He says he knows himself, and he knows he would break my heart. He said he doesn't want to do that to me. Now, I could argue and fight to get what I want, but I know this is true and I really do want the best for this person (wtf?). But it doesn't hurt any less. It's not any less painful. It's still rejection. And I seem to be bombarded with rejection as of late.

So I had a good fucking cry. Actually, I haven't cried that much since the day I found out James was cheating on me. It was me and my car and Aslan - and I opened myself up to the bowels. It just doesn't seem fair. Life. Nothing seems fair. I had someone say to me the other day that it seemed that I got more than my fair share of shit dealt to me - and none of it was manifested by me. She was like "you know, a lot of people cause their own drama, but yours just happens to you and you're doing all the right things to not cause it." (She was referring to my car drama, and my medication - which I will eventually blog about.) Funny thing is, I can't even seem to get myself into situations where I'm causing my own drama. I mean c'mon. I can't even get a fucking rebound relationship going (is it even a rebound if you've been out of a relationship for 9 months?).
So when do I get to be happy? When will I find someone that cares for me the way I care for them? When will things settle down? It seems like I've been trying to better myself and do good for 9 years now, but I haven't quite reaped what I've sowed. I'm hoping that closing those chapters of my life in Milwaukee will bring some of that contentment that I've been looking for, but you never know.
Trudging the road of happy destiny. Fuck. Such a perfect sentence. My feet are sore. My heart aches. But I keep trudging.

Flashback: Car Troubles

Since I've got a bit of free time, I thought I would blog some previous happenings from when I was a bit too busy to post.

First off: Charlie. Everyone here in Milwaukee has been commenting - "oh Charlie, you're a nice car, I don't know why she doesn't like you" - well here's the thing... I bought the car with the assumption that I would have the plates and title in a couple weeks (like you tend to assume when you buy a car off a lot). First to go wrong was that I got towed (which you already heard about, including the spitting gypsy session). I couldn't get my car back right away because I didn't have the title.
Then I got pulled over because the registration was about to expire. The cops wanted to make sure that it wasn't stolen. Fair enough.
The weekend that Nick and Jason visited was the last straw, though. I got pulled over on the way to get new tires (yeah, Charlie had dry-rotted tires that had to be filled daily). The cop threatened to have me arrested and my car impounded because I was technically driving an illegal vehicle. I explained to him the situation and that I was waiting on the people that sold me the car to get me the title and send the registration in. I had called numerous times to get a new temp plate. So I end up with a $95 ticket and a new urgency to get the car situated.
I got the tires ($400 later), and the news that two of the studs were broken and they couldn't put the tires back on without them. Well, since I had been driving on the broken studs since getting the car, I figured another couple days wouldn't hurt. In the meantime, I was able to catch a glimpse of the undercarriage of my newly purchased vehicle. It's rusted to shit. I was sold a car that's already half fallen apart. The muffler is rusted straight through (which makes it sound like a race car - which Aimee likes), the rotors and calipers are rusted as well as the front end suspension. It's a mess. Then I got a real look at the rust in the body. Charlie was recently painted. The rust was not taken care of properly. The guy that was doing the tires started shaking his head at what a bad deal I got. On top of all that, I have still not managed to average more than 25 mpg on a CIVIC! It should at least get 30. There is seriously something wrong.

So anyway, to sum things up: I still haven't got the title to my car or my plates. I've had the car for almost 4 months. Apparently there is a lien on the title in New York. Either way, I have to have it taken care of by the 27th or they can put me in jail - for something that's completely out of my control! WTF.
It was my cousin's brother-in-law that sold me the car. I'm really disappointed in the whole situation and especially in getting a hold of anyone since. I mean, I don't feel I'm in the wrong by persistently contacting him to get it taken care of when I could go to jail at at moment. Fuck.
So keep your fingers crossed for my trip back to Florida next week. I don't want to end up a jailbird!

My Teeth Suck

Just before I left for Wisconsin, I noticed that I had a sore bump developing on the gum surrounding one of my failed root canals. I had lost the crown a couple years ago, and haven't been able to come up with the money to replace it. The tooth itself felt a little funny. I mean, I didn't actually feel anything in the tooth because there are no nerves, but my gums felts different. On the road trip, the bump quickly formed into an abscess. I got to Wisconsin and had a scolding from Shana and my mom about taking care of it (because the infection can spread to your brain and kill you). After freaking out for a bit, I went to the Walgreens on Brady because it now has a walk-in clinic. They gave me antibiotics and told me to get it taken care of immediately.
I don't have insurance. I don't have a dentist, and my family doctor quit about 6 months ago. I became quite worried about how I was going to fix this. I called a couple people that know good dentists or work for them. Within an hour Elise called me back to tell me that her dentist offered to pull the tooth for no charge. Done.
Now here's where I start to really feel shitty. All my life I've had horrible teeth. I brush them way more than most people I know. I carry floss and toothpicks around with me. I'm the dork that goes to the bathroom to floss my teeth after I finish a meal at a restaurant. Then why, dear god, does my mouth look like that of a 65 year old?? One dentist told me that it was because my saliva doesn't produce the antibodies that naturally fight the bacteria in our mouths. Hmm. This sounds like genetics to me. Five minutes later he told me I wouldn't have such bad teeth if I came to the dentist more often. Sorry if I missed 2 years of cleanings because I had no insurance and made minimum freaking wage!
So I've had a great deal of shame surrounding my teeth. I've been shamed by professionals. Shamed by friends and family (this might be in my head). One of my greatest fears has been losing a tooth. This would prove to everyone that I was in fact a failure - I failed to be able to take care of my mouth. I can just see my last dentist rubbing it in my face "I told you so! If you didn't get that crown replaced you would lose the tooth." How awful.
Anyway, I went to Elise's dentist today and he said I had the option of having a re-treatment done on the root canal but that would run me about $1000, or he would extract it right there for free. I weighed the options. I don't even have $1000 left on my credit card. Extraction it is. After taking what seemed like forever to get my mouth numb, he began digging. I'm not going to go into detail, but I can tell you it was the most traumatic mouth experience I've ever had. I once woke up in the middle of having my wisdom teeth surgically removed - the dentist was standing with a leg up on the chair and crunching bits of teeth out of my mouth. It was only a second that I was aware, and then went back under. This was like that, only it lasted a full five minutes. The tooth didn't want to come out.
When the ordeal was over, he said that I had made a good decision. The tooth had been cracked vertically down the root. This was the reason it was so difficult to extract the tooth. He said no amount of money could have saved it. No re-treatment would have made the tooth better. I saved myself $1000 by having it pulled. I now need to formulate a plan to save up a ton of money to have either an implant or bridge. grrrrr
Unfortunately, as I sit here I have to keep taking breaks to cry. The anesthetic is wearing off and I'm in a buttload of pain. He had prescribed me viccodin and ibuprofen 800, but I didn't fill the viccodin. I've never used narcotics for pain reasons, and I don't want to start now. However, I know why they prescribe them! All I can think of is how I want the pain to stop. It's like tooth pain - and when a tooth hurts so badly all you want is for it to be out of your mouth. Well, it's out of my mouth and now painful (I had no pain before pulling it)... I hope this doesn't last long. At least for the time being I've got Sean's PS2 and Guitar Hero to keep me occupied while resting.

Driving is Fun

The second half of my trip took a ridiculous amount of time for some reason. I arrived in Milwaukee at 9:30 last night. I had been driving since 7:30am EST. 15 hours is a long drive. That is definitely a personal record for me.





Anyway, it's a good thing I spotted that lucky mullet yesterday morning. I think he put me in a fantabulous mood to begin the day (not to mention the beautiful weather, and equally beautiful drive through the mountains). I was truckin' along in Tennessee just the other side of the mountains when I came over a hill and saw a state trooper. There were two of us driving exactly the same speed. We both pulled into the slower lane behind a semi and I watched the squad in my rear view mirror pull out onto the freeway. The semi was going 60, so I decided to move around him, knowing full well that this would make me the one to get stopped. Sure enough, he flipped on his cherries as soon as I was in the left lane.





I pulled to the side of the road, grabbed my license and insurance card, and the little piece of paper that says I've applied for my plates (since I STILL don't have the title to my car or registration). He walked up to my window and stated point blank that I was going 82 in a 70. I handed him my stuff and he looked confused at the lack of registration. I told him the person that sold me the car hadn't cleared up the title yet and I was waiting on it. He then assumed the temp tag was the other person's, and I said no it was mine. He then looked at my license and asked if I still lived at the address in Tampa. I said, yes, I just moved there. He then asked me where I was headed - and I said I was going back home to Wisconsin to get the rest of my stuff from home. He glanced into the back of my car and asked if I was picking up a trailer, to which I replied no. He chuckled and asked why I was bringing so much back with me, and I told him I was going for 3 weeks. He laughed again and said he didn't think I could fit anything in there to bring back with me. I told him I was coming to get my bass and bass amp, and my pet rats - all things that I couldn't fly back with me. He nodded and said he would be right back.





I thought for sure I was going to have to pay bail immediately and I was wondering how much was available on my credit card as I slathered sunscreen on my shoulders to keep from toasting in the sun. He returned fairly quickly and handed my stuff back to me, along with a small piece of paper that he explained as a warning ticket. He then told me that everyone he pulls over, he walks his dog round to check for 4 substances and said this was my one and only chance to admit to anything before he did so. I said to go ahead and then watched this adorable black lab sniff around my car. He came around the driver's side and just said "have a nice trip back" as he headed back to his squad. HOW CRAZY IS THAT???





I've NEVER got out of a ticket that I completely deserved. He didn't even give me the "slow down" speech that most cops hand out along with their fines. I just couldn't believe it. So thank you, random Tennessee state patrolman for being ultra human and letting me off (even though I didn't do anything to deserve such a break). For the record, I did slow down until I got to Chicago. Then I drove like everyone else.





I was on the phone with Amy when I crossed into Wisconsin. It was a weird feeling. Driving through Chicago was a weird feeling too. Driving in general from Florida to Wisconsin makes me realize how far I actually live from everyone here. Seriously. So I called my brother when I got close to Milwaukee to find out where he was at so I could pick up his gas mask (hey - I really want to play Guitar Hero and go to the Milwaukee Group, but the smoke is just too much for me!). He told me to meet him at my grandparent's new place. So I went to The Regency on College Ave to see where my grandparent's now reside with other seniors. The apartment is huge, and very clean. My grandpa joked about how he was the oldest person living in the complex since the 92 year old woman died a couple weeks ago. I reminded him that even a couple weeks ago he was the oldest person there, because he's 94. Silly head.





My brother and aunt both said I looked tan as soon as I saw them. I still don't think so. I have a base tan. That's about it. But I don't look like a Florida beach bunny or anything. At least not yet. Give me this weekend and I will - camping at Green Lake.





Troy of course forgot the gas mask, so I had to stop by his house next. That was really bizarre. He recently purchased my grandparent's house (I know, my LITTLE BROTHER owns a freaking house). It's a complete mess in there. He's got such a HUGE project on his hands. I keep telling him to talk to Katherine or David or Debbie since they have all flipped houses (and with a relatively small budget) but he said "I want it done right" - that stubborn little shit. He doesn't believe you can do things right for cheap. I offered. Oh well.


Apparently there were all sorts of needles and shit all over the house from when my cousin lived with them. He said he found Pat's rig and Lynn found a stash of his heroin. There were blood and puke stains on the floor and walls. When he washed the walls in the back bedroom, the water came out black. That house needs to be gutted and rebuilt. The floors need to be retiled and carpeted. The woodwork is destroyed. The window frames are all rotted. It's a nightmare. But knowing my crazy brother, he will obsess and run himself completely ragged until it's finished and exactly the way he likes it. So if anyone in the Milwaukee area has some free time and wants to lend a hand, get a hold of me and I'll give you Troy's number! LOL





That's about all for now. I am getting ready to see my babies and give James his belated birthday present. I can't wait to cuddle with Poopy and Gir! :)

God Bless the South

I'm back on the road. I'm currently stealing some internet service from a Holiday Inn Express somewhere in Tennessee. I'm such a geek - I've got my laptop plugged into my lighter with my car running because otherwise my computer would be dead - but this is just too good to wait to post!

So I tried to sleep in Charlie last night (the new car). It was miserable!! Stupid Civic. Man I miss Smurfette. If only I had the freaking title to this car I would be driving my dad's Escort back to Florida. But no. No title. Still. It's been 3 months. Seriously.

Anyway, so I woke up at 7ish after a brief nap and surveyed my surroundings. One of the first things I saw (I shit you not) was almost like a caricature of a stereotypical southern redneck. This trucker, and he was the epitome of truckers, had the sweetest mullet ever - a gray shirt with an American flag screen printed on the front and the arms cut off (you know the kind: where the arm holes are way too big because you know the shirt wasn't meant to be a tank). Not only that, but he had CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS that were just a little too short. To top it all off, the guy was sporting a handlebar mustache. I seriously was laughing hysterically in my car. This guy parked a couple spots down from me was watching me and scratching his head. I nearly peed myself laughing. It was the BEST thing to wake up to - a full bellied hearty laugh.

It's beautiful right now. I was cold last night. I haven't felt 70 in over 3 months. It's probably around 75 right now and it feels amazing! I'm so surprised at how quickly I got used to the Florida heat, and started to think that 83 felt comfortable. Oh well.
The drive through the mountain pass was awesome. Charlie does handle the climb better than Smurfette did. That still doesn't make me proud of him. He's totally like that unwanted step-brother. Something I didn't ask for, but I got anyway - and have to try to love. BOOO!!!

Okay, I have to get back on the road if I want to make it to Wisconsin tonight still. I won't be updating until I get there - just so I focus on driving. :)


PS People in the south need to go back to school and learn grammar ("A Antique Mall")

I Tried to Do the Right Thing

Today I put in my written letter of resignation at Vinyl Fever. I have been offered more freelance work, and I'm not about to turn down that kind of money.
Plus, I am REALLY sick of working retail. I'm tired of working hard and stressing myself out needlessly for a job that I will go nowhere in. It was great that things worked out so perfectly when I arrived here, but I think I was given the exact same situation as I had in Milwaukee to solidify my feelings toward retail work. I needed reminding that there's something better out there for me. I didn't go to college to work for a little bit above minimum wage. I may not know what I want to be doing with my life, but I am aware that this is NOT where I'd like to stay.
Anyway, I have been talking with various people about the situation over the past few days (weeks?) and was given the suggestion to write a kind letter and setting a firm date for my last shift. I did so.
I thanked my boss for the job opportunity. I extended my gratitude for how he willingly tried to work with my schedule. I apologized for my indecisive behavior and admitted that it was an inconvenience and trouble to him. I offered to continue lending my web mastering services to him. I put this all down on paper, handwritten for sincerity, and left the envelope on his desk when I get to work.
I then began the waiting game. I was fending off anxiety because I didn't know what his reaction would be. There was nothing. He came out of the office to do a buyback and didn't say a word to me. This made me nervous. I thought of how uncomfortable it would be to spend two weeks at a job where your boss goes out of his way to ignore. eek.
When it was time for my lunch break, I headed to the back room and was cornered by my boss. He asked to speak to me. The second we got into the back, he said "you know, I think it would be best if we just ended this now. I'd like your keys back." My jaw must have dropped. He then asked for the things I was selling on eBay. We had an arrangement that I would get a turntable if I sold a few items for him. I already had them listed, so he asked if I could take the auctions down and just bring the stuff in. He then said he would keep me on the clock until I got back with the items and the turntable. DAMN!
There was no fucking around! I went home to collect the things, as well as the DVDs I had borrowed from the used section, and headed back to Vinyl Fever. Jesse came to let me in the back door and asked me what happened. I told him that I was let go after handing in my two weeks notice; that Lee just wanted me to leave. He said it was odd that I walked out of the store without saying anything, and then Lee asked him to stay until 8.
So that was that. I tried to do the right thing by actually giving notice, and making sure I was kind and as helpful as one can be in leaving a place of employment, but got fired anyway. I don't even know if that means I was fired?? I mean, I did hand in my notice - so that means I quit, right? I don't understand how that works. Whatever. I don't work there anymore. And I'm totally okay with that.

As far as other things go, it's a good thing he sent me home right away, because I found out Green Lake Round Up is actually the 15th-17th. I had thought it was the 22nd-24th. So I would have shown up there a week late with none of my friends. Now I can actually make it. I will be leaving for Wisconsin next week some time. This will be my first adventure with Charlie. I need to get the studs fixed before I go (oh yeah, you guys don't know the Charlie troubles yet because I haven't blogged them. Don't worry, you will)...
I'm thinking of driving a bit west first, just so I can go to Louisiana and mark off the last of the continental US states on my list. We shall see.

For My Dad (and D&M)

My dad commented on my last blog that I have been sporadic in my postings since starting my job. True. I really do have a list in my notebook of blog topics that I have to write if I ever have the time. I should be getting to bed right now, but I thought I would try to give the guys at D&M something to read first. Don't worry, I have taken more freelance work over the next few months so I can step away from the record store. I really want to get out of retail. I'm so tired of it! The freelance work pays enough that I will only have to work (x) amount of days a month - which leaves the rest of the time to focus on my writing (since I've got all my material in a box for my book - but no words on paper).

Anyhow... I have always been curious about the armadillo. Yes, I said armadillo. I've never seen one before. I had always assumed I would have seen one on my travels, but that's not the case. Anyway, I was driving back from Orlando a couple weeks ago and I was on the phone with Shana. Out of nowhere, an armadillo crawled onto the road. I shouted "ARMADILLO!!!" in the middle of my sentence. I looked into the rear view mirror to verify it was the strange armored creature, and just as I was telling Shana I had never seen an armadillo before, the car behind me ran it over! So the poor little thing was roadkill. I've never been so excited and so disappointed in the same breath before. Oh well. Hopefully I'll see more of them in this bizarre state. I'm still waiting on seeing a live gator. I've been told that's not something I should hope to see, though. Meh.

On a lighter note, there is apparently something called an 'armadildo.' I would post a picture, but I'll save the fun for your imagination. Until next time...

NYC, Philly & LA

Hey guys. My friend James (Nipples to those of you that know him) is living in Amsterdam at the moment and is absolutely obsessed with Nike's. there is a particular shoe that is being launched in August that he is trying to get his hands on. They are only releasing them at 3 stores, in 3 separate cities. The info is below. If you think you can help him out, please email me. I'm sure he'll compensate you for your trouble. Thanks alot!!
v


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As some of you might have heard already, the next chapter of the Nike 1World project will be launched very soon. After previously working with Busy P from Edbanger Records, Kaws and others, ?uestlove (Questlove) from The Roots is the next to collaborate on an Air Force 1.


The Air Questo out of this collaboration will first be released at the Alife Rivington Club on August 1st. Not only will the show be released, but Questlove will be there in person and will be performing.


Alife Rivington Club
158 Rivington St
New York, NY 10002

On the 5th there will be a launch event at Ubiq in Philapelphia, again with Questlove performance.


UBIQ Walnut Street
1509 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19102

Last but not least, the West Coast will also get a release of the Air Questo on the 6th of August. The Montalban in Hollywood will be hosting it, again with Questlove in attendance.


THE MONTALBÁN
1615 Vine St.

Hollywood, CA 90028

Broken Phone

My phone broke today. I didn't drop it. I didn't get it wet. It wasn't too hot or too cold. It just stopped working. The unfortunate thing about this phone is that the only way I could use personalized ringtones was if I kept the numbers on the phone instead of the sim card. So I have lost everyone's numbers with the demise of this crap phone.

PLEASE text me with who you are so I can save your number to my sim card (which is in my old broken phone that still is able to make calls)... or email me with it. Either way, I need your number. Sucky.
414.241.1004

Radio Ga Ga

I know it's been too long since I've written. Trust me, I've been busy!
I have a stack of ideas for little blogs, but haven't had the time to actually write them.

I just got an email from my friend Jacek. The local volunteer radio station here has a Monday slot open (1am-4am yikes!) - WMNF is very similar to WMSE. I haven't actually listened to it at all because Charlie (my new car) doesn't have a radio antenna. However, I've heard Jacek's polka show is a hit!

This is the content of the email he sent me:
"WMNF has a programing opening for Monday night/Tuesday morning 1-4 am starting in August. This is an open format meaning any format or non-format will be considered, including proposals that push or experiment with the use of the radio medium. Applicant should have some experience preferably with WMNF. Demo show necessary if I am not familiar with your programing.

"These are difficult hours for most people so do not apply if you cannot deal with being up in the middle of the night. Good things about the time are that the format is wide open: it's a three hour show (the longest show on WMNF) ; no expectations for newscasts or other distruptions; there are small fundraising expectations. It's an opportunity to create the show you envision without a lot of pressure.

"If you wish to apply, convince me with why you are the best person to do it, what would you do, who would listen. Written statement of interest required. Deadline: 5pm Monday 7/28/08."
Check out WMNF's website HERE

So, good readers, I ask you - do you have any format suggestions??
Of course I want to play buzzworthy bands and new indie rock (mostly from the UK). But 3 hours is a long time. What would you fill the airwaves with? Let me know!

R.I.P. Smurfette

I have not blogged for a while because I have been avoiding this blog. If I write about Smurfette, then it's for real - she's gone. Even though in reality she already is gone, I keep putting off the thought. It's like someone who refuses to believe that Elvis is really dead. LOL

I was jotting down some memories I had of my beloved car the other night and realized that I spent more time with my car than I did with my husband. I bought Smurfette just 2 weeks after I got back from England after we got married. She became my best friend. I saw her every day. I didn't see James for the majority of the first 2 years. Shana was on the phone with me when I stopped by the lot to say goodbye to Smurfette. She commented on the fact that she spent more miles in that car than any other - and she wasn't the one driving! Now imagine how many I spent in that car... No wonder I feel so attached to it. My cars always become an extension of me in some way. I don't quite understand it, but I start to believe they have feelings and personalities just like any of my friends. She really did feel like a comfortable, familiar close friend. I know most of you are thinking I've completely lost it, but I don't care. Good for you for not getting attached to your vehicles. I can't help it.

So not only did I put nearly 100,000 miles on this car in a little over 4 years, but between my dad, brother and I, we probably replaced everything on the car at least once and paid for it a dozen times over. That's the other bad thing about being attached to a car - you never know when to stop fixing it. I wish my brother was around so he could fix it now. Really. I would rather have Smurfette back with no air conditioning, than drive Charlie (that's what I named the new car, by the way). He's just not the same.

Back to the memories. So here are a bunch of them, in no particular order:
Before I bought a new battery, she used to die all over the place - and it most often happened at the post office near the airport. This one time it was sleeting and nasty and this woman helped give me a jump. The battery was so disgusting and junked up with leaking battery acid that we had to scrape it clean with this metal brush she just happened to have in her car. She gave me the tool and said I probably needed it more than her. The kindness of strangers :)

I lived on Meinecke and Humboldt for a while in Milwaukee. It was awesome because I had a garage spot. During the winter it rocked pretty hard because I didn't have to scrape my car off. One night it was snowing terribly and I had been at the Alano Club on Prospect Ave. My friend Becky wanted to venture out in the storm and go to Denny's. She had a 4-wheel drive truck, so we braved the unplowed roads and went to eat crap food. By the time we got back to the east side, it had snowed 12 inches and they still hadn't plowed. We had to dig Smurfette out of the parking lot and then attempt to drive to my apartment in Riverwest. There were a number of times where she had to push me because that little car had absolutely no traction or weight in the snow. After 40 minutes we finally made it to my block, only to discover that no one had plowed the alley to my garage yet. Becky had to push me all the way to the garage - and this is how I got the hole in my rear bumper. At one point, I remember just getting out of my car and laying in the snow because I was already soaking wet from getting out and trying to push it. Man I'm so glad I don't live in Wisconsin any more!

The one and only time I stole CDs from the Exclusive Company I got a lesson in instant Karma. I took 2 CDs - System of a Down "Toxicity" and Lords of Acid "Voodoo U" - I was replacing CDs that had been stolen from me. ironic. Anyway, I drove straight to Shana's house from work to help her set up her new laptop. It was broad daylight and I was only inside for 20 minutes. I came back to my car to find that someone had broke in and stolen my stereo. I got the point and returned the CDs I took the very next day.

I used to have a bunch of political bumper stickers on Smurfette. 3 days after my stereo was stolen, I was parked in front of my friend Debbie's house in West Allis. Again, it was broad daylight, and someone smashed my window in. They didn't take anything, just busted my window. My dad fixed it with a window from a junkyard, but when he fixed it, he took off all the political stickers because he insisted it was some crazy republican that smashed my window because they didn't like my blatant liberal propaganda.
I replaced all the stickers with band stickers. I liked that much better anyway.

Another time I broke down at the post office my friend Jonathan came all the way to the south side to give me a jump. It was the alternator that time, and it kept dying every 2 blocks. I finally just threw it in neutral and let him push me back to my grandmother's house. I'm pretty sure it was raining that time too. And Jonathan was about as gentle with the pushing as Becky was in the snow.

Danelle and I once drove up to Crivitz to go camping. I don't remember why we ended up in a hotel instead, but we had fun driving. I think we explored a lot of central Wisconsin that weekend as well.

Speaking of Danelle, I remember driving to Chicago on her birthday to see the Kaiser Chiefs. We were listening to Travis and when "Why Does it Always Rain on Me" started to play, it seriously started raining. It stopped shortly after the song was finished.

Another time I was driving on 894 and it was raining. "Yellow" was playing on the radio and my wiper blades kept time perfectly with the song. It was the only time that ever happened. I have tried it many times since, even with the same song, and could never get it to work again.

Smurfette was always with me as I picked James up from the airport. She was also there every time I had to take him there to go back to England. She saw a lot of my tears.

One time I picked James up and we went on a mini road trip. Well, it was a pretty major road trip considering I was the only one driving. We first went to Indianapolis. The only reason we stopped there was because I was exhausted from driving. The next day we drove to Louisville to see MUSE. We left and drove most of the night to Kansas City to see them there the following day. We stopped at a crappy roadside motel so James could experience that bit of Americana that for some reason was appealing to him. Ick. When we got to the Uptown Theatre in KC, I parked in front of this restaurant called Chubby's. We were at the venue quite early, and while we were standing in line to get it, I decided to put my hoodie in the car. As I walked up the street, I saw 4 guys pointing at Smurfette before they went into Chubby's. My heart started pounding as I was almost immediately certain those 4 men were MUSE and their manager. I tossed my hoodie in the back of my car and darted into the restaurant to use the bathroom. Sure enough, it was them. I tried to ready myself in the bathroom but had come down with the worst case of cottonmouth a non-smoker ever had! I stumbled out to their booth to stammer my "I Love You" and "You're my favorite band" and then ran back to get James and bring him to meet them. Matt Bellamy winked at me. Tom Kirk (their manager) recognized James from his flight. Then Matt randomly asked if James skateboarded. So weird. But I was able to settle my imploding heart by meeting my favorite band in the whole world - and it was all because they were pointing at the MUSE stickers on Smurfette.

Theresa and I drove to Minneapolis to see MUSE at the State Theatre. I had scored 2nd row orchestra pit tickets on eBay and drove the whole 6 hours straight there (since Theresa doesn't drive). Smurfette's air conditioning had just broke, and it was seriously 85 degrees the whole way there. It was an amazing show - and they played Assassin, my favorite song on BH&R. After the show was done, the security guard let me stay there to try to get a set list. The drum tech walked directly to me, and handed me one of Dom's drumsticks. I could have died! I got a DOMstick! I think I carried it around for 3 days. The drive back was so much fun, even if we didn't get home until 6am.

Later that day (after I slept for 2 or 3 hours), Shana, James and I drove down to see MUSE in Chicago. I can't remember if I drove or not now. Probably not, so this story doesn't belong in this blog!

Another time we drove to see MUSE was all the way down in Tinley Park at the Tweeter Center. It was the Curiosa Festival and Shana had bought us tickets for some special reason. It was a horrendous drive with terrible construction traffic. We got there and found out that Chris broke his wrist earlier that day and MUSE were not playing. I sat down and cried. I didn't care about the Cure. I drove 3 1/2 hours to see MUSE! Dammit. We nicked one of the signs that said "MUSE will not be performing due to injury" and Tom Kirk took a picture of Shana and I holding it. It's still on their website.

Shana and I drove to Chicago to see MUSE at the Riviera Theatre. That was the first time we saw them. I don't think Smurfette's CD player had anything but MUSE in it for 2 weeks before and after that show.

Shana and I drove to Denver to see MUSE at Red Rocks Amphitheater. That was a grueling trip for Shana. It energized me. It was the first time Smurfette had been in the mountains and she did awesome. We picked Amy up from the airport there and the 3 of us drove up to the most godly venue ever. Denver was eerily full of nice people. It was sorta like the Twilight Zone. On the way back from Denver, I treated Smurfette to new windshield wipers. She totally deserved them.

I was a Jimmy John's delivery driver for a brief time the first year I was back from England. That was awesome. Driving a small manual transmission car around downtown Milwaukee was super fun. I made tons of money in tips, but every single shift I worked I acquired a parking ticket. It sorta zeroed everything out. The best part was that I was the only female driver and all the guys were impressed because none of them had manual transmissions. So apparently that made me even cooler. :D

I finally broke down and got car insurance in March of 2005. The reason: I had to pick up Panic! at the Disco from the Rave and drive them to the Exclusive Company. It was the first time I cleaned Smurfette inside and out since purchasing her a year earlier. I had that band of cute little boys squeezed into the little Ford Escort. A million little girls would have killed to be me.
Smurfette has also chauffeured members of Reel Big Fish and Suburban Legends.

In the middle of moving one of the many many times from the south side to the east side or Riverwest, I broke the little trunk divider on the hatch. I'm glad I did because I then discovered that I could sleep in the car easier without that there. I first slept in the car at Green Lake a couple years ago. One bad thing about sleeping in the car in August is that a car doesn't keep out allergens as well as a house. BOO!

Once I figured out that sleeping in Smurfette was sometimes more comfortable than sleeping in my bed, I realized it would be easier to take a solo road trip and not have to pay for a hotel. The first time I tried it was last December coming down to Florida. It was an amazing trip and she was so good to me. She handled the mountains wonderfully. I was a mile away from my destination and I was on the phone with Melanie when she asked how my car was. I literally said "this car is amazing. she hasn't given me any problems" when the accelerator pinned and the car died. Luckily Jacek checked it out and the throttle cable needed some WD40. Phew!

I drove to Chicago by myself one night to see Mew play at the Metro. It was a completely spiritual experience and I left the show as soon as they finished to find the most torrential downpour I had ever seen. I was driving the LSD and I couldn't go more than 15 mph because it was raining so hard, mixed with hail. I was terrified that my windshield would shatter (I had a crack that started 2 months after I got the car - thanks to a semi and a rock). On the way back to Milwaukee I-94 was flooded in 3 different spots. People were pulled over and stalled all over the road. But Smurfette was never afraid of water.

This winter pummeled Smurfette. The roads in Milwaukee were so terrible for so long, and there was so much salt everywhere that she really didn't have much of a chance. From November until January I had to have both tie rods replaced, the entire exhaust system (because it rusted straight through), both wheel bearings, and the crack in the windshield finally reached the other side because of the wild below zero temps mixed with random 40 degree days. One of the crazy snow storms dumped 18 inches on us in one day. I was staying with my friend Theresa on Oakland and Newberry at that time and the city of Milwaukee had plowed the snow into the middle of the boulevard. Stop signs were nearly covered up. I was driving cautiously when a kid ran a stop sign (that was hidden in snow) and hit my bumper. I was supposed to leave on my epic journey the very next day. That set my road trip back a week or so. That's when Smurfette acquired a maroon front bumper. I really wanted to get a white one so she could have a white smurf hat. Oh well. Once I made my way across the northeast I found out the rest of the under body had completely rusted. I had to have both trailing links replaced because the rear wheels were about to fall off. All the parts connected to my gas tank also rusted and caused a wonderful leak. Once those things were repaired I was on my way again, only to get to Florida and have more things fall apart :(

The guys at Midas on 27th Street (near Layton) probably have 1/3 less business since I've not been around! Sean and his employees were always so nice to me. They cut me a couple deals. Go see them if you need work done in the Milwaukee area.

Another road trip I almost forgot about: Shana and I drove to Detroit to see Editors. That should have only been a 6 hour drive, but it took more than 10 either way. We got stuck in traffic in the middle of nowhere in Michigan for an hour. Stopped dead. The guy behind us rear-ended us at one point. He got out of the car and apologized saying that his foot slipped off the break and he didn't mean to. Then we had to sit there and say shitty things about him in my rear-view mirror for another half hour before traffic started to move again. We had an amazing heart-to-heart in that traffic.

On this most recent adventure, Smurfette and I really bonded. She was all I had in between visits with friends. The first week of my adventure I depended on the familiarity of my car to keep me sane. We went to some amazing places... Akron to Dr Bob's house, Niagara Falls, NYC, Boston (I still think she's mad at me for that one), DC, the Blue Ridge Parkway, the ocean, Kerouac's grave... so many special things. I really gave her a last hurrah. I'll miss my little car so much. Every time I come out of a store, I instinctively look for that bright electric blue. But now I find a dull grey - and often can't figure out where it is that I parked because Charlie looks like everyone else's car. *le sigh*

In the 4 years that Smurfette and I spent together we made it to 30 of the 50 states. The best gas mileage we ever logged was 43 mpg in Iowa on the way back from Red Rocks (Shana drove like a grandma to beat my previous record of 39 mpg).
So thank you, Smurfette, for keeping me safe in Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota, Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, Kansas, Iowa, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Nebraska, Colorado, Ohio, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia. I'll miss you terribly.

They Say the Parking Lots are Run by the Mafia

Alright, so here's the deal. I missed out on buying Eddie Izzard tickets because they were already sold out before I moved to Tampa. So I had been periodically checking CL and eBay for tickets. Sunday evening someone listed a single ticket on eBay for Wednesday's show. I emailed him through eBay begging for him to sell it to me with a Buy-it-Now price. How I got so damn lucky (or unlucky?), I'll never know. He emailed back and told me I seemed cool and he would sell the ticket to me at face value. Hot damn! I was ecstatic - finally - Eddie Izzard live! Brian (that's his name, duh) later told me he had looked at my eBay profile and saw that I liked BlackBooks and that's what sold him on selling me the ticket. Thank god I was bored that one day that I filled out my eBay profile (who actually does that??)!

So anyhow, we decide to meet up at the show and I drove around looking for parking for a while. Finally I saw a sign that said "All Day $3.25" There were a dozen other people already parked there. It was a lot with a pay machine where you display your receipt in the windshield. The machine took my credit card and charge me $4 (lying sign) to park. I put the receipt in my windshield and went to the show.

Eddie was hilarious, just like I expected. My throat was raw and I almost lost my voice from laughing out loud. I told Brian I couldn't stick around to try to meet the Izz because I was exhausted after working so much lately. He said he wanted to be a gentleman and walk me to my car. I thought that was nice enough, and we walked and talked on the way to the lot where I parked. As we were approaching, I commented that it was crazy that everyone left so quickly - that the lot was nearly empty. And then I realized with horror that the lot was empty. There was a security guard that was letting people know where their cars were towed to (3 blocks down the street). He didn't work for the lot or the tow truck company, but was just trying to help people out. He walked over and showed me the sign that had in very small print with no lighting "No Parking After 8pm With or Without a Receipt." GRRRRRRRR

We got to the tow company and I was ready to rip someone's head off. They wanted $169 cash to get my car back. Exact cash. They wouldn't give change. They wouldn't take a check. No credit cards. Even if they had taken those things, I still didn't have the money. I nearly threw a fit but held my tongue and asked for the company's information. I then called the police. They told me to ask for the name of who authorized the tow, and whether or not they have a contract with the towing company. She then told me to keep all my receipts and take them to court.

Thank you, Brian, for walking with me and keeping me from strangling someone. He actually told me to not worry about paying him for the ticket - which is super kind of him, but I just can't accept that. I told him I would pay him when I had money - and he said sure but I should just drop the pride and let him help me out. haha!

Mel picked me up and stopped at an ATM to get me $10 so I could take a cab to work the following day. I then called my dad and asked for (even more) money. He was able to get the money to me in the morning and I woke Amanda up and asked for a ride downtown. She dropped me off and they let me in and walked me to Charlie (who I'm sure was pissed off that I left him overnight with a bunch of slimeballs). Once we got to the car, the guy asked to see my registration. WROOPS! No registration because the state of Florida hasn't mailed it to me yet!! The guy then turned into a total smug prick. He started mocking me. He was scoffing at my questions. He was insulting my intelligence. Another guy came over and said "where's your plate transfer?" and I said I didn't have one. He then got all patronizing and asked "well what were you driving before?" and I then lost my shit. I am not proud to say I shouted some pretty ridiculous things at these two high school dropouts. Of course I didn't have a plate transfer because I just moved here from Wisconsin, you fuck bag. How could I possibly transfer Wisconsin plates in Florida? How on earth am I supposed to have the title if the dealership hadn't sent it in yet? So frustrating, and absolutely helpless.

I called Amanda to pick me back up and as she was asking why, one of the guys made some shitty remark toward me and I went off on a rant again. As I grabbed my keys and license back from the guy, I turned and spit on the ground near their feet. Melanie laughed when I told her this - something about the gypsy coming out in me, and how European that was - but it was better than clocking him in the jaw.

Amanda took me back to my place where I dug out a receipt with the VIN number and my name on it, so I could prove it was my vehicle and then we drove all the way back downtown. I walked up sheepishly and began to apologize to the guys for unloading on them when a third walked up on the telephone saying "yeah, I see her. she looks like a real...." and then interrupted me to say "if you do anything out of line I have no problem calling the police and having them arrest you right now. See these cameras? I have on film that you spit on my employees. I could have you arrested for battery right now." and then I said I was just trying to apologize, to which he replied "I don't give a shit about what you have to say. You give him your keys and then act like a lady" -- this angered me more than anything else that was said the whole day and previous evening. But this time I bit my tongue and didn't say another word until I was off the lot. Fuck. What a horrid day. I'm totally hormonal and emotional and a complete psychotic mess, but at least I have my car back.

Woah

This is going to be brief.

I'm not dead.
I've been extremely busy. I've been working my ass off and have been running around like a crazy person. Numerous other things factor into me not blogging for a while.
But I promised my friend Jason that I would blog within 24 hours of his text message. So I'm following through on my promise.

I went to see Eddie Izzard tonight at the Tampa Theatre. Finding a ticket is blogworthy in and of itself, so I will eventually fill you in on the details (it involves eBay and an incredibly kind stranger).

The show was amazing. My throat hurts because I was laughing so hard. However, once the show was over and we were walking back to my car, we were informed that the lot I was parked in had been towed. The entire lot. A scam. I paid electronically at a box with my credit card, but written in small letters behind the parking meter was a sign that said no parking after 8pm whether you paid for parking or not. The company that towed my car said it would cost $169 cash to release it. Cash. I don't have $169 in non-cash let alone those crisp little bills. fuck. So I don't have a car. Melanie gave me $10 to take a cab to work tomorrow. But once they have my car for 24 hours, they charge another $169. GRRRRRR...

I called the cops because this all seemed so wrong to me. They said they could send a squad to help me get the information I needed in order to take the company to court, but they could do nothing about my car. She said to get in writing who authorized the tow and whether the tow company had a contract with that person or not. She also told me to save all of the receipts once I retrieve my car so I have documentation for court. How infuriating.

Eddie Izzard was good, but he wasn't worth $169.

Request

I have been asked to take my previous blog down because someone thinks it's full of shit. I am not taking it down and this is the reason why:
I share everything. It makes people uncomfortable. I am aware of this and I feel bad for some of the people it effects but I do it for a reason. Not enough people talk about what's really going on. I got an email from a friend of mine the day after I posted the blog about how I was hurting. He told me he was suicidal and needed my help. He asked if he could come stay with me in Florida. If I hadn't posted that, he may have never said anything - and another one of my friends could have committed suicide.
I do it for the few people that contact me and say "thank you" for having the guts to say what they are feeling. I do it so other people don't feel alone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it pisses some people off, but it helps just as many. And that's why I do it.

If you don't like what I post, don't read my blog! It's as simple as that. I try not to use names. Unless it's James or Shana really. I can't avoid names when it comes to "ex" or "best friend."

I know I am not blameless, and I never claimed to be. James and I have been unhappy for a long long time. We have both played our parts. I did some pretty terrible things as well - and James has asked me not to post them because it would just cause even more problems for him. But I know I'm human. And so is he. Everyone that knows me, knows that. Everyone that knows me well knows specifics. It's not a secret.
So just to clear that up for anyone that's wondering - I have been beating the hell out of myself for fucking up in a relationship that was very dear to me. But even if I hadn't fucked up, we were already doomed. Spending 2 years separated because of the government losing paperwork is no way to start a marriage. We both changed so much in that time that we were just too different to mesh any longer. We tried, though.

So that being said, I wish to state that I do not want to cause anyone harm. I honestly only posted the email to Bradley because I was too lazy to re-write it for blog form. I took out the name of the person it involved and that's it. My bad. Laziness tends to be quite a common character defect.

Anyhow, I'm sorry if I cause some people more trouble than they care for - but just know that by posting the intimate details of my life on the internet saved at least one life. It's about connecting with humans through the most barbaric and raw emotions that we all experience. Maybe if we all talked more about what was really going on, there would be less confusion and hate in the world.

A Dose of Reality

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. It's not a happy one. I just felt the need to put this out to the Universe - maybe to help myself heal. Maybe because I don't know how else to ask for help.
I wrote the following email to my brother-in-law. I couldn't think of a better way to express what I'm going through, so I'm just going to post the note in it's entirety:

hi
i don't know why i feel like i need to talk to you, but i do. i'm so fucking heartbroken and it's tearing me up. i know things haven't been okay for james and i in quite some time, but that doesn't mean i don't love him. if anything has happened in the last 3 months, it's that i've realized i love him even more. but we just are not nice to one another, and i don't even know who he is anymore.
he has gotten himself into a relationship with a [person] who has called herself my friend for the last 5 years. i don't know who i'm more upset with - him or her. but it hurts more than anything i've ever felt before to know that we are no longer together - nor will we ever be - and hurts double that someone who would call me a friend would try to be with him before we are even properly separated. what kind of a friend does that?
i just don't know what to do with myself and what i'm feeling.
having just moved to tampa, i have no good friends here to help me through this. i miss shana. i miss my mom. i miss all my other friends. i need people to tell me it's going to be okay and i find myself calling james looking for that answer. because he is who i have automatically turned to when i've been in pain for the last 6 years. that makes it even worse.
i just don't know what to do. god. i cry every day. like the type of crying that comes straight from the bowels of my emotions. like the crying you hear at funerals. finality. i hate it. and every time i cry like that i get a migraine. it's 7:30 in the morning. i woke out of a dream and could not fall back to sleep, so i found myself on facebook - and saw that [person] had changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" which prompted me to remove them both from my friends lists and ask that she doesn't contact me any longer (because she's been sending me text messages and emails pretending that things are okay - trying to make things okay with me - maybe so she doesn't feel guilty about what she is doing). so i'm starting my day with the guttural crying - starting my day with a migraine. i almost feel like i can't do anything. staying busy is the only thing that helps, but it's worse than pulling teeth to get myself to start anything. i just want to lay in bed all day and cry. and eat ben and jerrys (which makes things even worse because i've gained weight again - so my clothes don't fit properly, and then i begin to believe that no one will ever want me again and i'll die fat and alone). if i'm feeling like this, james has to be feeling something similar. but i don't think he's feeling anything at all because he's putting all of his energy into a relaionship with [person].
i understand why people want to get into rebound relationships - because they don't want to feel this kind of pain - but he is doing himself an injustice by not allowing himself to grow, and he will keep hitting the same brick wall if he continues to jump from one person to another, putting all of his faith in that one individual to be everything to him. i left so he could find himself. so he could become james, the individual. the man who can support himself and drive and have his own friends and be happy. but within a week [person] filled my role. it makes me sad that he's not even attempting to change - and renews my faith that i'm doing the right thing. i cannot be someone's everything. it's impossible. and that's ultimately what made us so miserable.
i'm sorry for this. i know you have nothing to offer me that will make things better. i just needed to let you know where i was at. it makes me sad that i won't see you and your family. i really do like your dad and maureen and ian and tracy. it makes me even more sad to think that i may never see them again. and my hopes of us returning to england... gone. so much to give up on. fuck. i just can't even think about it.
love,
vega


*After that being said, I need to qualify a few things. I know my life here in Tampa is good. I started the job that I wanted; back in a record store - where I feel most at home; where I know I'm good at what I do. I have an amazing new apartment and Melanie is the most wonderful giving roommate (she's feeding me now because I am penniless). I'm making friends here who are really great, and I've been to some awesome meetings. I have a new car that I really like now that it doesn't smell like piss (which, by the way, only ONE person has suggested a name for it - Mr Pissmoke - c'mon people, I need some suggestions!). Things around me are going well. But that doesn't stop the pain from coming. And I'm super grateful to be here feeling this pain, and not in Milwaukee where I would have the 95% chance of running into the two of them constantly. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I'm lucky to be able to remove myself from the situation and heal. However, removing myself from the situation also removes me from all the people that know me well and have been there to support me in the past. I have no shoulders to cry on. I have very few hugs. It feels incredibly lonely.

So please just send a nice thought my way once in a while. I know some of you have been through this and gotten through the pain to the other side. How do you do it? How do you feel so much without crumbling into pieces?

Video Blog #1

Hi there!
So I spent WAY too much time trying to figure this all out. Hopefully this video blog is fulfilling! Looking forward to everyone's suggestions on new car names...

Unpacked

Okay. There are a number of things that I want to talk about. First off, yesterday Smurfette died. I was planning on buying a car in the afternoon, but did not expect to have to get towed to the lot. BOO! I was also depending on what little money I would get from selling Smurfette. I'm kinda in some financial trouble now. But Melanie is feeding me, so that's good.

I am avoiding writing my obituary for Smurfette, so instead I've been working on a video blog. Because I'm totally retarded, I haven't worked out how to edit it yet. So I may post it tonight. I may post it tomorrow. Either way, I will eventually have to post about Smurfette. I just don't feel like crying at the moment.

So the 'new' car is a 95 Honda Civic. It's got a shit load of miles on it, but hopefully it will withstand them. I've never actually purchased my own car. My dad has always loaned me the money and I pay him back rather than the dealer or a loan company (or my credit card like now). I'm really lucky to have a super rad cousin in the area that hooked me up with his brother-in-law who in turn super hooked me up with the car. Long story. But good. Except for the fact that the new car smells like a combination of ash tray and piss (with a flowery scent trying to cover it all up). I seriously want to puke when I open the door. I'm going to clean it out tomorrow and see what happens. I'll be jumping for joy once I get rid of that stench!

Alright, so that's that. Hopefully you will have a video to watch in a little while...

PS I just found my car on Craigslist: http://tampa.craigslist.org/car/697652777.html

Milwaukee

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. Things were crazy and emotional and I haven't wanted to talk about them. I went back to Milwaukee last Saturday. I flew in over Lake Michigan with the sunset reflecting over the water. I normally feel very grateful whenever I fly over the city because it feels comforting and familiar to me. This time I just felt sad. Waiting for my luggage, a muzak version of "Kiss From a Rose" was playing in the baggage claim area. That was the song that the Registrar's office played after James and I were married (because we didn't bring in a cd for them to approve beforehand, so they just played their own music). I started to tear up then. My mom picked me up and all I could do was hug her and cry. I miss her so much. Plus I knew I was coming home to close a chapter in my life that includes seeing my mom often.

We went to Shana's and again, as soon as I saw her I started to cry. It felt so good to be with people I care about so deeply. But at the same time I was sad because I knew it wasn't going to be for long. We went downstairs to visit my babies. Gir has a huge tumor on her side that James didn't tell me about (he didn't want to worry me). The vet wanted $450 to remove it, so she will just have to live with it. If it gets larger, it could become troublesome, but at the moment she is alright. Of course seeing the rats made me cry as well - especially since I now know I can't bring them back to Florida with me. Rats are not acceptable as carry-on animals, and they are not allowed in the lower area either. BOO on the airlines for discriminating against which animals they allow!!

I had a lot to do while in Milwaukee, so I really didn't have much time to see friends or have fun. I had things in my grandmother's attic, my dad's basement and my mom's basement and attic that I had to go through and pack up to be shipped. I was able to purge some more and then fit the rest of it in 3 suitcases and some boxes that I shipped via media mail (DVDs, books and CDs). Kelsa was a super trooper and helped me all day Memorial Day. She rocks.
We finished a lot of the packing so we went to Liv and Josh's for their cookout. It was such a nice day - 81 degrees and sunny - but as we were standing outside, these clouds rolled in and the temperature dropped suddenly. And by suddenly, I mean less than 30 seconds. And by dropped, I mean it was 47 degrees after those 30 seconds of wind blew through. This is exactly why I don't live in Wisconsin anymore. At least when I get up tomorrow, I know it's going to be in the 90s and I'm going to sweat my tits off.

I was able to wrap up my life in Milwaukee fairly simply. It was a bit stressful getting everything done, but I managed it. I closed out a bank account, changed the address on another, relinquished my keys to my PO Box (the longest address I've ever kept), packed and shipped everything but my toaster (because I didn't have a box that fit), donated a bunch of stuff to Salvation Army and changed my address. I really don't live there anymore. It's so bizarre.

It was really amazing to see my friends. I love them so much, and I'm really going to miss them (like I have been missing them) but I know I will see them again. In fact, I am flying back in August for Green Lake and a doctor's appointment. Mark it on your calendar: 23rd - 30th!

Seeing James was really difficult. For those of you that are completely clueless as to what's going on, I guess I should fill you in on the background. We got married in England on January 23rd 2004. I had to leave right away because my visa was expired. We were told that it should only take 6 months at the most for his application to be processed and visa issued. 5 days after our 2nd wedding anniversary, James finally arrived in the US. Those 2 years were the worst and most frustrating I had experienced. The following 2 years were almost worse still. We had grown so much apart while physically separated that we were nearly incompatible by the time we were together again. We tried everything we could possibly think of - took every suggestion - and yet things weren't working. It breaks my heart, but we just don't work as a married couple.

Near the end of last year we decided we were going to get separate apartments to see if that would help the situation. I then took my roadtrip to Florida to visit Danelle, Jacek and newborn baby Adam. On my way back, I was informed by my employer that they no longer needed my help. I was coming back to no job which meant no apartment. It was then that I decided to start selling everything and just drive off to find what feeds my soul. I figured it was the perfect time - James and I were separating, I had no job or place to live and nothing else tying me down. I just wanted to go and let the Universe direct where I was supposed to go. This is what you've been reading about the past few months.

Anyhow, I have discovered that there are a lot of things that I've been neglecting while fighting for a dying marriage. James has found some things out on his own as well. We decided it was best to terminate the marriage. This is one of the other reasons I had to come back to Wisconsin. We needed to file for divorce.
I'm writing this now as though I'm telling of someone else's life. One moment, I'm completely absorbed by my emotions, and the next I'm completely detached. It was so difficult to see him. I wanted to hold him and kiss him, but scream at him and cry all at the same time. I was looking at a familiar face, but I no longer know the person. My heart aches. My chest feels hollow. I want to remain friends, but I have no idea how to behave around him at the moment. Which is why it is good for me to be in Florida.

Anyway, you don't really need to hear the excruciating details of my emotional turmoil... just know that I hurt, and understand if I look sad or cry sometimes. It's a sad thing to go through, losing a husband.

On a lighter note, I got to spend some quality time with my friend Chris (we watched HAARP) and got to eat at Comet with Shana and Katherine. I also learned a lesson that although I want to help my friends out financially, it's not always wise to do so. Even if I did shoot myself in the foot, I'm glad my friend doesn't have to worry as much.

I got back to Tampa Wednesday night after 2 very smooth and very empty flights. Actually, on all 4 of my flights I had 2 seats to myself. It was seriously awesome. And I finally figured out the perfect combination to avoid a pressure induced migraine! That is the most exciting thing that could have happened.

Thanks again to anyone that has helped me out in the most recent past - and I'm sorry if I didn't get a chance to see some of you in Milwaukee. Remember to mark your calendars for August!