Serendipitous Wanderings

WFRT Post Ride Blog

2011-08-31T18:23:00.014-05:00

So the big day was on Saturday. I haven't really been able to bring myself to write this last log because I don't want to admit that it's over. I already miss my teammates and our training sessions. I'm going to do my best to describe the experience for you.

I didn't sleep at all the night before the ride. Maybe 2 1/2 hours. Maybe. I was mostly worried about the weather. Forecast said 20mph winds from the north. Not exactly what you want to be cycling into for 100 miles.
Got to Wrigley Field to check in at about 7am. There were so many bikes! We got a good T2 group photo in and then began to line up in the corrals. Group A was for people who anticipated finishing within 4-6 hours, Group B was 6-7.5 hours and Group C was +7.5. Alex, Dan, Coach Chris and I lined up at the back of Group A. We grabbed another assistant coach, Gillian, and waited for them to let us start. The horn went off and we began to ride into the Wrigley Field Concourse. It was sort of a mess in the beginning, pushing our way along with our feet rather than pedaling. We came out the front gate and headed up Clark St. The first 2 or 3 miles were very slow going due to the amount of cyclists and the lack of traffic control. Once we got a little further north speed picked up a bit, but that's when I had my first water bottle incident. I have 2 cages on my frame in which I keep a bottle of water and a bottle of electrolytes (usually Gatorade). I also have 2 cages on my seat post because I tend to go through more fluids than most people. My Gatorade cage on the frame snapped in half at about the 3rd mile. Alex came to my rescue (as he has during past rides) and put the bottle in one of the pockets of his jersey. We continued.
We were instructed to skip the first rest stop since it was only 13 miles in, so we kept rolling. As we were turning onto Sheridan Road, a group of XXX racers were riding by the opposite direction and I heard someone scream my name. My friend Michael was riding with them and just happened to pass by right in front of me. How serendipitous! We made our way back onto the street and not long after hit a patch of really rough road. I felt one of my water bottles fall off the back, turned around quickly to see that Alex was stopping to grab it. I wanted to shout back at him to leave it because I still had the other ones, but didn't get the chance. I slowed down to let him catch up and Gillian came by. That's when she told me I lost both of them, and he ran one over. Doh! I was down 3 water bottles in 14 miles. When Alex finally caught up he had all 3 of my bottles in his jersey pockets. Hooray!
At rest stop #2 we stopped. It happened to be at a bike shop so I ran in and bought a new cage for my frame. The bottle that Alex ran over was fine, just empty. I filled them all up, ate a banana and we were back on the road. This is when the winds became more apparent. I had committed to memory the general ride route and at which miles the rest stops were. I basically counted down miles, sometimes tenths of miles, until the stops. I was struggling by the time we got to rest stop #3, which was sponsored by T2. I knew I was going to see familiar faces and possibly get hugs, so I kept pushing. I fell behind our little pack for a bit. There was a point on the McClory Trail where Chris came up behind me, put his hand on my back and pushed me to catch up to the others. I don't know how many times I screamed "F@#$ you wind!!!" I was starting to have chest pains and was going through water quickly. I know we took longer than we should have at the rest stops, but it was the only way I could get my energy back up to make it to the next rest stop.
After leaving #3, we were 7 miles from the Wisconsin border. That's what I focused my next countdown on. We got a great shot in front of the Wisconsin sign, but it wasn't long enough to quell the cramping in my chest. I fell behind the group again. This time I was on my own for a bit. The winds were brutal. I came up behind a single rider and drafted off of him for a bit, but then he slowed down so I had to pass him. Every time there was a slight bend in the road instead of being blasted in the face by wind, I was nearly knocked off my bike. The chest pains became more severe. I was sure I wasn't going to make it to the lunch stop at mile 53. I started to cry. But then Alex came to the rescue, yet again. I saw him up ahead, slowed down and waiting for me. He let me catch up and then let me draft off him the rest of the way. The route headed straight to the lakefront along the most treacherous potholed road I have ever seen. Combined with the dangerous winds coming off the lake, we were only going about 8 or 9 mph for that last mile.
We got to the rest stop and took off our shoes (I was hesitant because I had a nightmare the day before that I lost one of my shoes at a rest stop and couldn't finish the ride). They served us sandwiches and cookies and chips, which was difficult to get down because I felt so lousy. My teammates kept reminding me to eat at every stop even if I didn't feel hungry, so that we kept our energy up. So I ate. After about 10 minutes my chest felt better, but my spirits were low. I couldn't imagine going another 47 miles like that. I was texting my brother and a couple other people because I wasn't sure I was going to make it. The longest stretch was before me (next stop was at mile 71) and I was incredibly disheartened.
We stayed at the lunch stop for at least half an hour, maybe more. Finally headed back on the road. I felt a bit more refreshed, but then we started hitting hills. There was one that I wanted to get off and walk, but Alex just shook his head. We slowly climbed to the top, only to be rewarded with a plateau. I'm still waiting for the downhill on that one! Other than the hills and the wind, there was not much that was eventful about that 18 mile stretch. We slowed down by a couple mph so I wasn't quite as exhausted when we got to rest stop #5. I sent out the warning texts: we were 16 miles from my mom's house. At the rate we were going, I told my mom and brother that we could be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. This is where things started getting interesting. Instead of becoming more and more fatigued, I found myself filling with excitement and energy. I was close to being home! Things were looking familiar. I felt a shift. We were just turning onto Chicago Rd in Oak Creek when another gust of wind nearly toppled me over. I screamed again, but then caught myself. I had this weird moment, maybe it was because I was becoming delirious from riding hard all day, but I remembered someone telling me to never resist anything because I am part of it all. And it was with that thought that my inner dialogue changed dramatically. I think I may have even said it out loud - I embrace the wind - and then started a new mantra in my mind, "I love the wind. I AM the wind." Over and over and over. Every time I felt myself becoming frustrated, I would double the efforts on the mantra. Pretty soon we were pulling into South Milwaukee, and I was visibly excited.
I started pointing out landmarks to my small group of T2 teammates - "That's where my great grandma lived" "That's where my dad's friend worked" "That's the Dairy Queen we used to go to when I was a kid." We were just about to turn onto Lake Dr, less than 2 miles from my mom's house when I heard someone shout my name again. My dad's best friend Dennis and his wife Brenda were camped out on a corner waiting for us to ride by! They snapped a picture and I started to lose my group, so I told them I had to leave. We had just passed the hospital I was born at (where Dan actually yelled out "Hi Vega's birth hospital") when a car pulled up and started snapping pictures. Dennis and Brenda chased us down to wave and cheer again. I told them to head to my mom's and we would stop to say hello and shouted out the address. I was probably glowing with excitement by this point. I'm sure it must have helped my teammates to have me suddenly rejuvenated and excited when we were at mile 86 or 87.
Then we saw them. My mom had signs and balloons on both sides of the street. There was a giant group of them on the side of the road. I barely saw who was out there - my brother Troy, his girlfriend Liz, Mom, mom's boyfriend Beaver, Grandma, probably Dennis and Brenda - but they were waving us on and telling us to head to the rest stop, just another couple blocks away. We got to the last rest stop and my friends and family started pouring in. Troy first on the bike, then Liz and my mom and grandma, Dennis and Brenda, and then Kory strolled over from somewhere in the park. I introduced them all to the teammates who were nearby, and Coach Chris. I was over the moon. I'm still shocked that I didn't start crying; I thought for sure I was going to be a sobbing mess (I've teared up a few times just writing this). I was too excited to be emotional. We hugged each other a couple more times and then I had to go. Troy decided he was going to ride with us for as far as he could, but that ended up being about 2 miles.
The last 9 miles to the stadium were through my old neighborhood where I was born (Bay View) and down Canal St. It was almost like I forgot I had ridden 90 miles to get to this point and felt more like I had just jumped on my bike from my brother's house and was headed to the east side or something. We passed my friend Courtney who had been riding by herself all day. I asked the group if we could slow down so she could ride the rest of the way with us. We climbed the last bridge and just as it crested, we saw the tents in the furthest gravel parking lot under the 35th St bridge. The last block was coasting down the hill and being directed into the parking lot by my friend Sean. As I turned, I saw Shana jumping up and down and screaming like crazy. I made it! I rode my bike all the way to Milwaukee!! I didn't even have my helmet off and a camera crew came over to talk to Alex and I. Just as I was finishing a sentence, Shana ran over and threw her arms around me. We stowed my bike, I put on my regular shoes, and then grabbed my camera. I wanted to be sure to catch the rest of my teammates coming in. We were about to walk over to the finish when Troy and Liz walked up. He couldn't believe that I had beat him there, and they had driven in a car. We walked over together and Troy snapped many pictures that my teammates are truly grateful for.

Now it's over. The training, the Saturday morning group rides, the anticipation. But I have hopefully gained some lifelong friendships and have proven to myself that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. While we were all at the game that night, the word started spreading that our head coach had said it was the most difficult century ride he had ever done. It turned out that the 20mph sustained head wind was punctuated by gusts of 25-40mph. He said directly to me that he would rather do an Ironman than ride that again. At least I know that any century ride I do after this will be less challenging.
That being said, I am aiming to ride the North Shore Century on September 18th. I was going to do the full 100, but may be accompanied by my brother for this one, so will probably only ride the "Diamond Century" (70 miles).
Other than accomplishing such a huge personal goal, I am filled with warmth knowing that what I did helped people. When I was struggling at the lunch stop, Shana reminded me that I was riding for people who can't. I thought of my friends and the people I was riding in honor of and was given a little more strength. This has been by far the most meaningful and powerful thing I have ever done. Not only did I help by raising funds for the AIDS Foundation, but I inspired others to get healthy and active along the way.

If you read this and feel inspired to contribute to the fight against HIV/AIDS, we are accepting donations until October 31st.
http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/vegabells

August 21st - WFRT Update

2011-08-21T11:46:00.003-05:00

It's 6 days until the big ride. I have come down with some sort of sinus infection and sore throat so I am spending today in bed, attempting to kick it out before it gets worse. I missed the scheduled 60 mile "on your own" ride this weekend, but I logged 96 miles last week training. I am 7 miles from having ridden 1000 on the new bike! I'll post a pic when I ride next with my new odometer reading :)

Last Saturday we completed our longest, and last, group ride - 75 miles! The coaches were spread thin due to several events happening that weekend and we were left with just the head coach to manage the 25 or so riders who showed up. We all left at the same time and split up into our own pace groups. My friend Alex and I headed up the front straightaway where we met up with Dan. The weather was perfect, cool and partly sunny. I felt amazing and we kept our pace at around 20mph with bursts up to 32! While on Sheridan Road, we were passed by the XXX race team. It was intensely frightening and nearly caused me to hit Alex. The pack of racers sounded like a freight train as they passed us on curving hills by mere inches. No matter how much my cycling has improved over the last few months, I am nowhere near as skilled as those monsters!
Alex, Dan and I finished the ride in 4 hours and 1 minute - a full hour before anyone else did. Because the route ended at Murphy's Bleachers, I was only 3 blocks from my apartment (Alex was 4 blocks from his). We both went home to shower and change and then headed back to Murphy's to cheer on our teammates. I don't think I'll ever live down the fact that I came back in a dress. One of the women looked downright angry that I was cleaned up and pretty! All said and done, It made me realize that my goal of finishing the century in under 6 hours is totally attainable if I stick with Alex and Dan. As long as I'm healthy enough to pull through...

The Wrigley Field Road Tour posted the official ride route the past week. You can view it here: http://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/view/46173486 (ignore the fact that it says "map my run" as we will most assuredly be riding). My mother's house is on the route at mile 87.9 (just north of the last rest stop in Grant Park at mile 86.2). I will be texting her from that final rest stop so she and anyone that wants to join her in cheering us on will be ready for our drive-by. I wouldn't mind if someone wanted to meet me at the last rest stop for a big moral push to the finale as well.

As I sit here and think about the last 2 1/2 months of training, I'm full of pride, gratitude and a bit of sadness. The Team to End AIDS has been my source of companionship and strength. It has been my social outlet and much needed break from schoolwork. It has totally wiped me out, but made me ultimately stronger. I will miss the weekly computrainer sessions and group rides. One of the coaches and a couple of my teammates have suggested making me into a triathlete next year - we'll see about that - but I know that with their help and support I could manage. I am so unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to train with so many amazing people, and equally moved by the generosity of all of you who have donated. This has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I haven't even got to the payoff of the ride!

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who has helped me reach my fundraising goal before the ride! When I first put $2000 as my original goal back in April, I thought it was nearly impossible and most certainly unlikely. I even moved it back to $1500 at one point, just so I wouldn't feel bad about not making the lofty goal. I'm glad I was talked into changing it back because we totally did it! You are my heroes.

Thank you again for your help, love and support. It means the world to me.

http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/vegabells

August 8th - Wrigley Field Road Tour Update

2011-08-21T11:44:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone!
I'm sorry I haven't sent any training updates in a while. It's been pretty crazy trying to get in all the training time and study for finals. Thankfully tomorrow morning I will be done for the semester.

I have passed the 800 mile mark on my bike. I will definitely hit 1000 before the day of the ride - how exciting!
Our computrainer sessions kick my butt on a weekly basis, but I haven't missed one yet. We've got our longest group ride so far this coming Saturday - 75 miles (80 for me). We will be riding from Foster Beach to Waukegan and back. That's from my house up to Great America for those of you who know the area. Insanity!

I really appreciate all the donations I've received. I think I mentioned in my last email that I have met a number of fellow participants who are currently living with HIV and it makes what I'm doing even more meaningful to me. One of these friends is the most amazing person and a huge positive influence on my life. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to be able to help this person directly, and many more like them.

The reason I'm emailing is because we were sent a link for friends and family to be able to purchase tickets to the Cubs/Brewers game (finally). They are $65, but they include a Wrigley Field Road Tour t-shirt. Just copy and paste or click the link below:
http://www.kintera.org/AutoGen/eCommerce/Category.asp?ievent=484591&en=eeLSKPMjHcLLLKMkH4JAKRNrHeIPJVPwFdKPITMvFlIJJONoG6LFIOPwGeIML7I

Again, if you feel like passing on my personal fundraising page, I would be more than grateful. I'm still $255 away from my $2000 goal. If you need to give people a better reason for donating their hard-earned cash, just let them know that the state of Illinois cut $1.5 million in funding for the AIDS Foundation yet need for the organization continues to grow.
http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/vegabells

Thanks again for your support. So excited for the big day (only 19 days to go)!!!
Love & Light
Vega

June 18th - Wrigley Field Road Tour Update

2011-08-21T11:41:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone!
I started training this week for the Wrigley Field Road Tour, and I thought it would be fun to keep all of you who have donated updated on my progress. If for some reason you do not want to receive these emails, let me know and I will take you off the list. I'm doing a blog on the T2EA fb app, so I will just post that here after every update.
Thank you so much for your donations again. You have no idea how much they mean to me.
I'm still trying to reach my $1500 goal, so if you know anyone else that is willing to help out, feel free to pass on my website link: http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/vegabells

Also, for those of you in the Chicago area, if you are interested in volunteering for any of our group rides please let me know. For every person that volunteers, I get $15 in fundraising credit and you get to feel good about doing something to help others. We have group rides scheduled for July 2, 16, 23, 30, August 13 and of course the big day of August 27th.

Thank you thank you thank you!
Vega

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First Group Ride
My alarm didn't go off this morning. It was set for 5:42am, which would have given me enough time to eat breakfast and bike to the training site to be there at least 15 minutes before our 7am start time. But I woke up at 7:10. I have never jumped out of bed so quickly. I was nearly in tears. I never oversleep! I shoved some blueberries in my mouth, threw on my bike gear and left. I got to the site quickly, and was added to a group that was practicing skills and agility. We did "slow races" and circles, practiced looking behind and grabbing our water bottles. Then they taught us how to ride in a pack. It was nothing new to me, except the little chicken wing signal to switch off leading the pack. We left for the 15 mile ride (which turned out to be 18 or 19) at 9am and ventured onto the streets of Chicago with maybe 40 cyclists. I was at the head of the pack and got to lead for a few miles. I've always been a solo rider, mostly because when I try to ride with friends, they don't move as quickly and I get frustrated. This was a different experience. Even though we weren't at a higher speed, I was enjoying meeting some of the other riders and entertained by the shouting of random things all the way through the pack. We somehow got separated and I was the first one back to the starting point by 15 minutes. The best part was shoving my face full of banana and nutella after the ride (I was staaaaaarving). I'm looking forward to the first computrainer session this tuesday, and when they determine who gets put into smaller training packs according to strength. This will be a fun experience!

April 18th - Wrigley Field Road Tour

2011-08-21T11:38:00.000-05:00

On August 27th, I will be biking in the Wrigley Field Road Tour, a 100 mile bike tour from Chicago to Milwaukee, to raise money for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago (AFC). I'm taking part in TEAM TO END AIDS (T2) and over the next several months I’ll be preparing to bike to the finish line!

With your help, I hope to raise money for AFC in its work to develop a comprehensive system of HIV/AIDS prevention and care, advocate for sound and compassionate public policy, coordinate the activities of local AIDS service providers, and fund dozens of community-based organizations providing AIDS prevention, care, housing, education, and capacity-building projects.

Click here to visit my Web page

With over 40,000 individuals living with HIV in the Chicago area and approximately 1,600 new infections occurring in Illinois each year, your partnership in battling HIV/AIDS is more crucial than ever.

Please support me as I bike in the Wrigley Field Road Tour as a T2 participant. Any amount contributes to the overall cause, even if it's $5 or $10. Click here to make a donation

Thank you in advance for your contribution!
Love & Light,
Vega

PS. Because I will be training while in full time graduate school for Traditional Chinese Medicine, my time is extremely limited. 100 miles is a huge personal goal of mine, and in order to be allowed to ride in the Wrigley Road Tour I must meet the team's minimum fundraising amount by June 1st. It's quite a lot of money, so I'm asking you to forward this to anyone you know who would be interested in supporting the AIDS Foundation of Chicago. Your help means a lot to me. http://afc.aidschicago.org/netcommunity/vegabells

2010: Year in Music

2010-12-29T19:12:00.005-06:00

Like I've done in the past, I'm listing 50 songs that caught my attention this year. Unlike previous posts, I am not linking each song. If you would like to download a zip file of these tracks in a playlist then click HERE for Part 1, and HERE for Part 2. Enjoy!

The Afters Light Up the Sky "Light Up the Sky"

Amanda Palmer Performs the Popular Hits of Radiohead on Her Magical Ukulele "Creep (Hungover at Soundcheck in Berlin)"

Anberlin Dark is the Way, Light is A Place "You Belong Here"

Apparatjik We Are Here "Antlers"

Band of Horses Infinite Arms "Way Back Home"

Blood Red Shoes Fire Like This "Don't Ask"

Brandon Flowers Flamingo "Crossfire" (the rest of the album blows)

Christina Perri "Jar of Hearts"

Circa Survive Blue Sky Noise "I Felt Free"

Cloud Cult Light Chasers "The Guessing Game (Journey to the Center)"

Coldplay "Christmas Lights" (yes, it's a Christmas song, but I loved it enough to put it on this list)

Delphic Acolyte "Doubt"

Eminem Recovery "Not Afraid" (one of my guilty pleasures)

Evaline Patterned EP "Hours"

Faded Paper Figures New Medium "New Medium" (my favorite track of the year)

Fortune Staring at the Ice Melt "Gimme"

Fran Healy Wreckorder "Buttercups" (solo album from lead singer of Travis)

Freelance Whales Weathervanes "Starring"

Future of Forestry Travel III EP "Did You Lose Yourself?"

Gorillaz Plastic Beach "Empire Ants"

Hawthorne Heights Skeletons "Bring You Back"

Hellogoodbye Would it Kill You? "Finding Something to Do"

Hot Chip One Life Stand "I Feel Better"

Ingrid Michaelson "Parachute"

Interpol Interpol "Lights"

Jimmy Eat World Invented "Littlething"

Jónsi Go "Kolnidur"

The Joy Formidable A Balloon Called Moaning "Cradle"

Ke$ha Animal "Your Love is My Drug" (another guilty pleasure)

Keane Night Train "Stop for a Minute (feat. K'naan)"

Kele The Boxer "Walk Tall" (disappointing album from the lead singer of Bloc Party, but this song is interesting)

Kyte Dead Waves "ihnfsa"

Linkin Park A Thousand Suns "Burning in the Skies"

Mumford and Sons Sigh No More "After the Storm"

Murder By Death Good Morning, Magpie "On the Dark Streets Below"

MUSE The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Soundtrack"Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)"

Neon Trees Habits "Animal"

The New Loud Measures Melt "Get Lost"

OK Go Of the Blue Colour of the Sky "This Too Shall Pass"

Paper Tongues Paper Tongues "Trinity"

Pineapple Thief Someone Here is Missing "The State We're In"

Ra Ra Riot Orchard "Boy"

Rihanna Loud "Only Girl (In the World)" (it's too catchy for me to not put on this list)

Rogue Wave Permalight "Right With You"

Stars The Five Ghosts "We Don't Want Your Body"

Steel Train Steel Train "You Are Dangerous"

The Futureheads The Chaos "Heartbeat Song" (totally out of alphabetical order, sorry)

Thriving Ivory Through Yourself and Back Again "Where We Belong"

We Are Scientists Barbara "Rules Don't Stop Me"

Wolf Parade Expo 86 "In the Direction of the Moon"

**I don't always catch everything right away, so here are 5 songs that definitely would have made my top 50 of 2009 if I had heard them in time!

Deas Vail Birds & Cages "Birds"

fun. Aim and Ignite "Be Calm"

Paper Route Absence "Are We All Forgotten"

The Temper Trap Conditions "Love Lost"

The xx The xx "Islands"

Top 10 Albums of 2010

2010-12-28T19:53:00.001-06:00

10. Hot Chip - One Life Stand

9. Circa Survive - Blue Sky Noise

8. Anberlin - Dark is the Way, Light is the Place

7. Fortune - Staring at the Ice Melt

6. Hellogoodbye - Would it Kill You?

5. Steel Train - Steel Train

4. Faded Paper Figures - New Medium (this is my favorite track of the year)

3. Evaline - Patterned EP

2. The Futureheads - The Chaos

1. Paper Tongues - Paper Tongues

Honorable mentions:

Cloud Cult - Light Chasers

Linkin Park - A Thousand Suns

Jonsi - Go

Most disappointing album of the year: Brandon Flowers - Flamingo

Albums that I missed in 2009 that definitely would have my my top 10:

Deas Vail - Birds and Cages

fun. - Aim and Ignite

Paper Route - Are We All Forgotten

Love the Earth

2010-03-17T21:32:00.002-05:00

This evening I let my mom's dog outside like I normally do, but instead of just holding the front door open, I decided to take him out back and sit on the picnic table. In the minute that I was outside, the fresh sweet-smelling air invigorated me and brought up an intense desire to connect with the Earth. I couldn't explain it, I just wanted more than anything to be in the woods away from the city lights. So without much thought, I put my shoes on, grabbed my car keys and drove to Retzer Nature Center.

I threw on a hat and gloves and rolled the windows down so I could really breathe in the air. When I got to Retzer, I put my iPod in my back pocket, pulled my emergency flashlight out of the glove box and ventured out into the night. I stepped onto the path and immediately felt my heart expand - it was like I could feel the spirits of the trees with me and they were just as excited as I was to be alive in that moment. I got to the top of the open hill, found a comfortable piece of ground and sprawled out on my back. It's nearly a new moon so the dark orange globe was fully visible with a small sliver of white cupping the bottom. The stars seemed somehow muted, yet closer. I took a deep breath, put in my ear buds and proceeded to play my favorite symphony.

During that 13 minutes of aural bliss I felt a number of things. Tears of joy ran down my cheeks over the sheer beauty of my surroundings and the appreciation for this planet and the miracle of life. I felt myself melt into the ground and become one with the grass and soil. I felt the pulse of the heart of the Earth as if it were my own. I felt calm and peaceful, and above all I felt loved. For every ounce of love that I was pouring into the Earth, she was pouring that much (and more!) right back into me.

The symphony finished and I shut off my iPod. I let the buzzing of the energy flow between my hands and the ground and silently thanked the Earth for sharing with me. I sat up and said a little prayer. As I walked back through the woods to my car, I felt compelled to touch each tree I passed and let it know that I loved it. I slowly made my way back without the light and took the time to appreciate the trees around me. I even stopped to hug one (I know that totally opens me up to jokes but I don't care).

As I got back in my car to drive home I felt completely at peace. I wanted to share this feeling of love and joy with everyone. Then I realized that all of my favorite things that bring me this sense of peace and joy are completely free and come from nature herself: the stunning sights, entrancing sounds and luscious smells. So often I neglect the things I truly love for something I think is more important or pressing. But really, nothing I do in this world can have much of a positive impact on others unless I am filled with love and appreciation, and for me the fastest way to replenish that emotion is to connect with Gaia.

The other thing I was thinking about on my ride home was how amazing it would be if everyone took time out to put a little love back into the planet. Feeling this connected and rejuvenated inspires me to be kinder and more loving to those around me. Imagine if every person that read this took the time out to appreciate and love the planet for just a few minutes (in whatever way felt right to them) and then passed on the message to someone else - there would be far fewer sour moods and a whole lot more smiles.

If you feel silly hugging a tree or talking to the stars, start somewhere else like noticing the new grass pushing up out of the ground or the buds that will be popping out on the trees any day now. Don't even tell anyone what you're doing if you feel embarrassed or ashamed. We are all alive in this moment solely because this beautiful planet sustains and nourishes us. There's no shame in loving it back.

Love Your Beautiful Self

2010-02-06T13:45:00.003-06:00

I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were swapping stories of how we struggle with body image and weight. I remembered when I first started college 10 years ago how the topic that got me fired up more than any other was how young women and their body image were effected by the media. I did many papers on how we (I included myself in the focus group) were heavily burdened by airbrushed images and groomed to believe we were nothing unless we were as thin and beautiful as the covers of the magazines. I know that these falsified images don't singularly influence young women. Men are just as susceptible to that perfectly sculpted ideal being blasted out on billboards and television. It seems that only the thin and beautiful have a chance at becoming successful.

Think about it. Who of you has never seen a commercial and thought "if only I looked like him/her..." or something of the sort? I'd bet that we all have been there or are there at the moment - constantly comparing ourselves to the images around us - and not just images, but other real people.

I'm here to tell you it's all an illusion.
Each and every one of us is so unique and so different that there can't possibly be an "ideal." Let that soak in.
It's time we stopped comparing what we have to what we don't have and accept the miraculous bodies we have been given as uniquely ours.
We need to start nurturing and loving ourselves exactly the way we are, and then give that support and love to everyone around us.
Let's remind each other that the faces we see in the movies, magazines and on tv are just faces and not a demand to replicate.
Real beauty is on the inside, and that permeates our surroundings when we embrace and accept our own inner beauty.
You ARE beautiful, just the way you are.
You ARE loved.
You already have everything you need.

Make a commitment to truth.
Start treating yourself in the most loving way possible. Treat your body with reverence. Feed it healthy, nourishing foods and get the exercise and sleep it desires. The more we love ourselves, the more love comes our way. Abundant love is the goal, for then we no longer need the illusion...

I believe you are beautiful and there is nothing you need to change except your perception in order for you to believe you are beautiful as well.

All my love.
Namaste.

EDIT:
The only time I can remember being complimented on how my body looked was when I was so ill I could barely leave the house. I had dropped 30 pounds in a month. I was unwell. But because I was thin, I was receiving positive feedback regarding my shape.
It makes me sad that others only seem to recognize beauty when it comes packaged in the way they are conditioned to believe it should.
From now on, I am going to make a point to compliment my friends (and strangers!) for their uniqueness and beauty - whether it's "conventional" or not. Be prepared to say thank you :)

2009: Year in Music

2009-12-04T21:55:00.022-06:00

This year I'm not even going to bother putting my favorites in order. Here are 50 songs that I like from 2009. Hope you enjoy!

* Alice in Chains Black Gives Way to Blue Take Her Out

* Apparatjik Electric Eye

* As Tall As Lions You Can't Take It With You Sixes & Sevens

* Breathe Carolina Hello Fascination Velvet

* Coldplay LeftRightLeftRightLeft Death Will Never Conquer

* Dead Man's Bones Dead Man's Bones Werewolf Heart

* Depeche Mode Sounds of the Universe Corrupt

* Discovery LP Swing Tree

* Doves Kingdom of Rust Kingdom of Rust

* Editors In This Light and On This Evening This House is Full of Noise

* The Envy Corps Kid Gloves EP Kid Gloves

* Falling Up Fangs! Lotus and the Langourous

* Futurecop! NASA

* An Horse Postcards

* Jeniferever Spring Tides Sparrow Hills

* Julian Casablancas Phrazes for the Young Tourist

* Julian Plenti Julian Plenti Is...Skyscraper Games for Days

* Killswitch Engage Killswitch Engage The Return

* Little Boots Hands Stuck on Repeat

* The Lonely Forest We Sing the Body Electric! Blackheart vs Captain America

* Manchester Orchestra Mean Everything to Nothing Everything to Nothing

* Matisyahu Light One Day

* Metric Fantasies Collect Call

* Mew No More Stories... Introducing Palace Players

* MUSE The Resistance Mk Ultra

* Mute Math Armistice Backfire

* The New Loud Can't Stop Not Knowing EP Don't Dance

* New Roman Times On the Sleeve West End World

* Owl City Ocean Eyes Meteor Shower

* Patrick Watson Wooden Arms Where the Wild Things Are

* Phoenix Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Lisztomania

* Placebo Battle for the Sun Devil in the Details

* Regina Spektor Far Blue Lips

* Rob Thomas Cradlesong Still Ain't Over You

* Röyksopp Junior The Girl and the Robot

* Stars of Track and Field A Time for Lions End of all Time

* Starsailor All the Plans Tell Me It's Not Over

* Switchfoot Hello Hurricane Your Love is a Song

* Tegan & Sara Sainthood Don't Rush

* The Twilight Sad Forget the Night Ahead At the Burnside

* Twin Atlantic Vivarium Audience and Audio

* The Used Artwork Kissing You Goodbye

* Vedera Stages We Sing

* The Von Bondies Love, Hate and Then There's You This is Our Perfect Crime

* We Were Promised Jetpacks These Four Walls It's Thunder and It's Lightning

* White Rabbits It's Frightening Percussion Gun

* Woodhands Heart Attack Dancer

* Yeah Yeah Yeahs It's Blitz Heads Will Roll

Vega's Top 10 Albums of 2009

2009-11-30T17:08:00.011-06:00

10. Coldplay - LeftRightLeftRightLeft
I'm not even sure this one should count since Coldplay never actually released this 9-track live CD. It was given away to all attendees during the last leg of their Viva la Vida tour. With very little enthusiasm, I went to the show at Alpine Valley and was pleasantly surprised with their performance. It felt on-par with the Rush of Blood days. This live disc didn't leave my CD player for a full week after the gig.

9. Julian Casablancas - Phrazes for the Young
If you're like me, you're sick of waiting for a new Strokes album. For the time being, this will have to do. To be honest, I was quite taken with the track "Tourist." Now that I think about it, I like them all. I find Julian's solo endeavor more pleasing than Albert Hammond Jr's. But that's just my opinion.

8. Vedera - Stages
I randomly discovered Vedera last April when I went to a show in NYC to see a relatively unknown band open for Eisley. Unknown to me, The Envy Corps left the tour 2 days earlier and I had the pleasure of seeing Vedera instead. Kristen May looks like a pixie, but that small frame holds a powerful voice. Check out the songs "We Sing," "Back to the Middle" and "Satisfy."

7. Doves - Kingdom of Rust
I love this album. I was thrilled to hear "Kingdom of Rust" on the Zombieland soundtrack.

6. Editors - In This Light and On This Evening
Although I adore Editors, I was a bit disappointed in this album particularly because it's lacking in their signature guitar work. My favorite track can be found on the UK special edition bonus disc and is called "This House is Full of Noise." One thing I appreciate is that this album is just as dark, if not darker than their previous two. Great songs to brood over.

5. Owl City - Ocean Eyes
I was on a road trip through the Appalachians when this album popped up on my iPod. After having to double check that it wasn't Ben Gibbard, I proceeded to listen to the album 3 times in a row. Favorite tracks include "Meteor Shower" and "Tidal Wave."

4. Mew - No More Stories...
No More Stories / Are Told Today / I'm Sorry / They Washed Away // No More Stories / The World Is Grey / I'm Tired / Let's Wash Away. What a mouthful. Album highlight "Introducing Palace Players" is strangely sexy with its crazy intro time signature.

3. We Were Promised Jetpacks - These Four Walls
One day when I was unemployed and bored (which seems to be most days), I decided to go on the SXSW website and click on every link to every single band slated to perform this year. I made a list of bands that I liked according to the sample tracks posted on each artist's SXSW info page. I then kept tabs on albums released by these bands. Most of them turned out to be duds, but this one was the gem I had been mining for. Sounds like a lot of work just to find new music, doesn't it? This album made it completely worthwhile. Check out "Quiet Little Voices" and the opening track "It's Thunder and It's Lightning." So good, it's shortlisted for my best of the 2000s compilation.

2. Mutemath - Armistice
Arguably one of the most energetic live bands currently touring, Mutemath's second full length felt like a continuation of the first. It is definitely a separate entity, yet the transition to the sophomore album was incredibly smooth and almost seamless. I'm pretty sure Twilight helped them gain in popularity, but this band is worth the fuss. Check out "Backfire" and the epic 9-minute "Burden."

1. MUSE - The Resistance
If you have ever met me, even for 30 seconds, you would have ascertained that MUSE is my favorite band on the planet. Of course The Resistance would be my #1 album of 2009! If you ever had a doubt that Matthew Bellamy and company were capable of filling stadiums with their massive sound, give this album just one listen. Even the weakest track on the album (which is so obviously stadium rock it would make Bon Jovi fans cry) doesn't get skipped when I plug this sucker in. I never know which track is my favorite because they are all so different, but I will say that "MK Ultra" and "Resistance" are amazing. "Unnatural Selection" has a similar complexity to older fan-favorite from Origin of Symmetry, "Citizen Erased." The 3-part "Exogenesis: Symphony" is beautiful, although understated. Check out the video below. If you're not moved by their music and visuals, you better check your pulse because you might be dead.

NOTE: I will be posting my usual list of 50 or so favorites from the year complete with links to songs soon. I wanted to post my top 10 to a local blog and felt the need to do so here first. Don't worry, goodies are on their way!

Memories

2009-11-18T19:17:00.003-06:00

I'm in the middle of taking a music survey for a local radio station. They are apparently counting down the top songs of the DECADE. I'm only halfway through this musical journey and I have found myself smiling more than once at memories connected to some of these songs. They aren't necessarily even good. Alien Ant Farm's cover of "Smooth Criminal" popped up and it reminded me of working for ITIS at Alverno when Napster was still up and running and I would listen to my strange mix of downloaded music while building computers for the staff at the college.

It got me thinking that I'm going to have to compile a list of favorite albums or songs from the 2000s. I normally do a top list of records at the end of the year, so this will just have to be an expansion.

As much fun as it is listening to songs that I don't normally think about, it's also got me a bit sad. A whole decade has passed by. So much has happened in those 10 years - growth, pain, adventures, loss - it has been amazing, yet bittersweet.

Any way, stay tuned for my top albums of this decade. I bet some of you can guess what the majority of those albums will be!

EDIT:
My preliminary list is 171 albums long. Definitely need to cut this down!

PLEASE HELP SHANA, IAN, SEAN & BABY JACK!

2009-09-30T05:12:00.009-05:00

My best friend, Shana, just moved into a new apartment on September 27th.

On September 30th at 2am (bar time), someone lit the trash can outside her apartment on fire. The flames traveled up the side of the house and into the attic. Everything she owns was either destroyed by fire or water. My friends Sean and Ian lived upstairs.
Everyone is safe and alive - except they can't find the cat.

I set up this temporary page for donations. Shana is 6 months pregnant and just cut hours at work. I know everything will work out, but it doesn't hurt to have people on your side. So please send positive thoughts her and Baby Jack's way. Prayers are best, but money helps too.

Read the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel article HERE.

EDIT: They found Bitey, the cat - terrified but otherwise alright.
Shana was able to salvage some important family heirlooms. Most of her clothes are alright, just soaked. Ian and Sean sustained the most damage - everything is ruined, including clothing. Shana has asked me to let everyone know that the money collected will go towards helping all 3 of them, not just her.

Once they have gotten a chance to survey the damage properly, I will be posting a list of items they all need (since I have had so many questions from people wanting to help).

Thank you so much for your immediate generosity. It is beautiful and amazing to see love and kindness in action, especially from those of you who are strangers. On behalf of Shana, Sean and Ian, I thank you.

EDIT (NOTE FROM SHANA):
As most of you know I am homeless due to a fire on Sepetember 30th. I had just moved into the bottom unit of a 3 unit building. In this building lived the landlord Scott, Myself, Sean (my boyfriend) and his roomie Ian. The fire was started in trash cans around bar time and had it not been for a bartender who walking home we all could be in a much worse situation. No one was hurt.

I feel I was spared in way, It was my unit that seemed to collect all the water as gravity did its thing. The fire spread up my outer wall and into Sean/Ian’s place and over took the attic. I was the 1st one out and witnessed the amazing yet frightening show of flames.(as I was screaming please wake up in the middle of the street) It all happened so fast yet it seemed like forever. I need a visit with my therapist..

Ok so the situation has left us all without many things. People have shown an incredible amount of generosity. There has been cash donations that will help with finding new places. People wanting to feed us, offers for furniture, clothing etc. The thing that has touched me the most is the kind words of support. The hugs, the tears. The people who came out to help up go through the rubble and repack. I mean its been a lesson indeed.

So now what. It is the last morning in the hotel the Red Cross put us up in. Ian is at his folks, Scott is taken care of, Sean is going to his parents in Illinois, Ill be staying in Liv’s basement. Ive taken a personal leave of absence from work so I can get my life back in some kind of order. I need a new place to live and I am done with Riverwest, Im thinking Bayview, Southside. I dont have alot of money as Ive just been dropped down to Pt Time at work in preparation for Jack’s arrival. I not only have to take care the fire stuff but I am also starting the process of getting help from the state on other things. It’s very overwhelming.

Many of you have asked “What can I do?”. Keep praying for us all. That is most important. If you want to help in other ways there is a fund set up through PayPal(link is on my FaceBook page), Giftcards would be nice too even $5. adds up. I realized this morning I have no pillow, it made me so sad.

I am lucky to have my life, the lives of my loved ones and Baby Jack. We will be ok. I have to believe Im being guided in another direction.......Love to you all Shana

Contact info for Now:
My Cell 414 517-6848
Mail- C/O Katherine Scofield 306 E Planfield, Milwaukee, WI 53207

The Greatest Gift Is Love

My Retarded Idea of Fun

2009-09-29T22:04:00.002-05:00

I got canceled from the freelance job I had booked Monday, so I decided that leaving for my already-planned Florida trip a little early would be in order. Sunday afternoon, while I was helping Shana move, I got the silly idea that I should drive to Austin first - only because I have never been there and have always wanted to go. I texted my friend Jon to see if he was going to be around if I made the drive and then packed up my car to hit the road.

I have a problem with indecision. I couldn't decide whether to leave Sunday night or Monday morning. I drive better at night, but it was storming. I actually left my house, but came back an hour later because the clouds were looking a bit scary (I was only a couple miles away having tea with a friend before leaving). After my mom poked more fun at me for not ever being able to make up my mind, I left with Austin as my intended destination.

Driving, driving, driving... I didn't realize how far of a drive it was to Texas. I'd never driven there before. I hadn't even made it to Tulsa yet, and I had been in the car for almost 20 hours (granted, I did sleep for 6 of those). I was at another gas station, grumbling about having to fill my tank yet again when I thought "man, this was a really dumb idea." I texted Jon again and told him I was thinking about turning back towards Florida and I would come to Austin a different time. New Orleans seemed like a better idea at that moment. Unfortunately from where I was at, there was not a freeway connecting the two cities. So I mapped out a route on my atlas (yes, I still use my old fashioned paper map - where's the fun in Google maps?) and decided to take a trip through the Indian res. The turnpike cut through some absolutely beautiful land, however it seemed to take me FOREVER to get anywhere.

I got tired again somewhere in Texas (since the only way to Shreveport was through the uppermost eastern part of the Lone Star State) and slept for a couple hours. I made it into Shreveport at about 4am but then got tired again and decided to sleep for another couple hours before the sun baked me in my car.
Absolutely nothing interesting happened that whole trip, except a disgusting restroom (sign on the door read "do not flush toilet paper, put in waste basket" - yes, there was a bunch of poopy toilet paper in the trash) and a trucker honking at me. By the time I got to New Orleans I was so sick of driving, but I knew if I stopped to hang out for a bit it would eat up more time.

I learned on this crazy drive that I actually have physical limits to my driving now. After about 40 hours I started having some anxiety which actually culminated in 2 small panic attacks. Scary shit! I kept telling myself "you can make it, only 8 hours left" and "just keep driving, you'll be in Tampa soon enough." That's when I realized I was treating my trip as though I were running a marathon; which I have no intention of doing. Instead of enjoying my time, I was trudging and forcing myself past my limits. My long trips have always been tempered out before by frequent stops and curiosity. If I saw something interesting, I didn't hesitate to check it out. This was different. This was no good.

So I haven't actually made it to Tampa yet. I'm sitting in a hotel room in Marianna, FL. I'm about 5 hours away but after the second panic attack I decided it was best to just give my body a rest. Maybe next time I won't be so militant with my driving. Or maybe I just won't make completely outrageous plans.

The Working Woman

2009-06-14T20:43:00.002-05:00

Well, not exactly a working woman, but I have been blessed by the gods of the workforce and have been booked for a few days at both Kohl's and Boston Store's photo studios. I'm soooooo lucky (and that is not sarcasm).
I really cut it too close this time. Actually, I am still uncomfortably broke. I'm not entirely sure when I'll get my first paycheck (since they technically have 90 days to pay me). I'll be late for the first time ever on my phone bill and credit card. Ick.

I don't really have much to say other than I'm glad to be working.
Maybe I'll actually get back to blogging. I do have a couple interesting stories. Too bad I'm too addicted to Battlestar Galactica to take a break and actually write something with substance :D

Living Nightmare

2009-06-01T16:17:00.005-05:00

I rarely place blame on things other than "self" that cause me suffering. I have been known to make a few poor decisions and the consequences of those choices are almost always acknowledged to be my own doing. I am not afraid to accept responsibility for fucking up - I do it often.

That being said, I currently feel like a victim of our medical community - specifically mental health care providers.

Here's a bit of a personal history:
I spent the first 5 or 6 years of my life in and out of hospitals because I suffered from debilitating vertigo spells from the time I was 18 months old. No one seemed to know exactly what caused these "dizzy spells" and there were many unsuccessful treatments that not only included medication, but strange advice such as "give her dark chocolate when she has an attack" or "give her a spoonful of honey or sugar." I was a frequent patient at Children's Hospital and most likely glow-in-the-dark from the amount of radiation I was exposed to.

Since physical activity seemed to exacerbate my condition, I was often found sitting against the wall in gym class - and was medically excused from physical education in high school. I seemed to gain a bit of a reprieve from the vertigo spells from age 9 to 11, but on my twelfth birthday they came back. Things had changed slightly. What used to be rotary vertigo - where you could actually watch my eyes watch the room spin round - became an internal feeling of spinning. No one could see any difference in my appearance when I got an attack. I became so frightened that I would never be able to live a normal life; never be able to drive a car; never live without the fear of an impending attack. I never had a warning, the attacks always just happened like someone turned on a switch.

From 12 to 15, not only did the vertigo continue to plague me on a weekly basis, I started to develop other symptoms as well. The rounds of doctors and hospitals started again. I missed more school during high school than I actually went. After a trip to the University Hospital in Madison, a neurologist there pinpointed a nerve that was pinched in my brain stem. It was inoperable and untreatable. The only relief he offered was a medication called Meclizine that was developed to treat dizziness from motion sickness. It never touched the severe vertigo I experienced.

Sometime during the tests and multiple doctor visits where nothing was proving conclusive, one doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist to have a psychological evaluation. I was offended (but unable to voice that as a 14-year-old terrified little girl) that the doctor didn't believe there was something physically wrong with me and that I was possibly making this all up. My mom took me to a shrink, and this is where my victimization begins.

I was 14 - possibly 15 - and couldn't physically walk up the street without passing out. I had spent my life being looked at by the other kids like I was some sort of freak for not being able to do the same things as they did. I had been through more medical tests than most lab rats with inconclusive results, not to mention I had just hit puberty. If anything, I needed someone to talk to. But what happened was that this psychiatrist threw me on Paxil, a drug that is not approved by the FDA to treat children. When that caused a manic reaction, I was switched to Zoloft. That had the same effect, so they decided to put me on a mood stabilizer. Very long story short, that began a carnival ride of antidepressants/anti psychotics/anti anxiety pills that included 2 extended stays in a psych ward for "med adjustments" and ceased when I was 19 and demanded to be taken off everything once the doctor suggested I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and not any of the 10 other diagnoses he had gone through. As I shouted at him for medicating me to the point where I didn't know where I was, he admitted that he "never knew what was wrong with" me in the first place. Awesome.

For the next 8 years I went through life sans medication and genuinely happy for the first time in my life. I had been to see a chiropractor who helped sort out the vertigo and not only stopped taking all medications, but stopped polluting my body with any sort of substances that could cause a change in perception. Things seemed alright until 2006 when I started having panic attacks. Now, I fully admit to making life choices that caused undue stress - and then dealing with the stressors by clenching my jaw and refusing to act out in any way that was inappropriate. I didn't exactly deal with things at all.

By the time I finally was able to get to a doctor, the panic disorder was so severe it cost me my job and my life as I knew it. I wanted an option other than medication to get me out of my mess, but the therapist I was seeing said that I was already using all the coping mechanisms she could teach me to deal with anxiety. I bit the bullet and took the Celexa. Of course I had an adverse reaction that nearly landed me in the hospital, and was forced to try Effexor XR. The doctor told me it was a very potent SNRI and that I should never miss a dose because the half life was a mere 5 hours. I wanted so badly to not have to take it, but knew I would not get better on my own. He told me that after a year without symptoms, I could go off it.

Thankfully the Effexor XR brought me back to full health, and when I last saw my doctor we agreed that I could start tapering. I started tapering off 6 months ago.
10 days ago was the last dose I took.
This week has been almost as hellish as when I was "sick" and I have questioned my sanity by the minute. Every time I look into Effexor withdrawal further, I scare myself silly. I have yet to read an account of someone who successfully got off the drug in a timely manner. All I find are horror stories and people who are forced to count out granules to take daily because they can't handle going from 37.5mg to nothing.
I found a Harvard study that concluded 80% of patients experience withdrawal syndrome, which makes it the only drug worse than Paxil in this regard. Another site listed all of the known withdrawal syndrome symptoms and a brief description of each. I'm going to copy and paste the one's I have been experiencing this week:

Cardiovascular:
Chest Pains - Severe discomfort in the chest caused by not enough oxygen going to the heart because of narrowing of the blood vessels or spasms.
Palpitation - Unusual and not normal heartbeat, that is sometimes irregular, but rapid and forceful thumping or fluttering. It can be brought on by shock, excitement, exertion, or medical stimulants. A person is normally unaware of his/her heartbeat.
Bradycardia - The heart rate is slowed from 72 beats per minute, which is normal, to below 60 beats per minute in an adult.
Tachycardia - The heart rate is sped up to above 100 beats per minute in an adult. Normal adult heart rate is 72 beats per minute.

Gastrointestinal:
Gagging - Involuntary choking and/or involuntary throwing up.
*Nausea - Stomach irritation with a queasy sensation similar to motion sickness and a feeling that one is going to vomit.
Swallowing, Difficulty - A feeling that food is stuck in the throat or upper chest area and won’t go down, making it difficult to swallow.
Vomiting - Involuntarily throwing up the contents of the stomach and usually getting a nauseated, sick feeling just prior to doing so.

General:
Chills - Appearing pale while cold and shivering; sometimes with a fever.
Fatigue - Loss of normal strength so as to not be able to do the usual physical and mental activities.
Hot Flashes - Brief, abnormal enlargement of the blood vessels that causes a sudden heat sensation over the entire body. Women in menopause will sometimes experience this.
Influenza-like Symptoms - Demonstrating irritation of the respiratory tract (organs of breathing) such as a cold, sudden fever, aches and pains, as well as feeling weak and seeking bed rest, which is similar to having the flu.
*Malaise - The somewhat unclear feeling of discomfort you get when you start to feel sick.
Syncope - A short period of light-headedness or unconsciousness (black-out) also know as fainting caused by lack of oxygen to the brain because of an interruption in blood flowing to the brain.

Nervous System:
Coordination, Abnormal - A lack of normal, harmonious interaction of the parts of the body when it is in motion.
*Dizziness - Losing one’s balance while feeling unsteady and lightheaded which may lead to fainting.
*Disequilibrium - Lack of mental and emotional balance.
Faintness - A temporary condition where one is likely to go unconscious and fall.
*Headache - A sharp or dull persistent pain in the head
*Light-headed Feeling – Uncontrolled and usually brief loss of consciousness caused by lack of oxygen to the brain.
Migraine - Reoccurring severe head pain usually with nausea, vomiting, dizziness, flashes or spots before the eyes, and ringing in the ears
Muscle Contractions, Involuntary - Spontaneous and uncontrollable tightening reaction of the muscles caused by electrical impulses from the nervous system.
Paresthesia - Burning, prickly, itchy, or tingling skin with no obvious or understood physical cause.
Restless Legs - A need to move the legs without any apparent reason. Sometimes there is pain, twitching, jerking, cramping, burning, or a creepy-crawly sensation associated with the movements. It worsens when a person is inactive and can interrupt one’s sleep so one feels the need to move to gain some relief.
Shaking - Uncontrolled quivering and trembling as if one is cold and chilled.
Sluggishness - Lack of alertness and energy, as well as being slow to respond or perform in life.
Tremor - A nervous and involuntary vibrating or quivering of the body.
*Vertigo - A sensation of dizziness with disorientation and confusion.

Psychiatric:
Aggravated Nervousness - A progressively worsening, irritated and troubled state of mind.
Anxiety Attack - Sudden and intense feelings of fear, terror, and dread physically creating shortness of breath, sweating, trembling and heart palpitations.
Auditory Hallucination - Hearing things without the voices or noises being present.
Bruxism - Grinding and clenching of teeth while sleeping.
Carbohydrate Craving - A drive and craving to eat foods rich in sugar and starches (sweets, snacks and junk foods) that intensifies as the diet becomes more and more unbalanced due to the unbalancing of the proper nutritional requirements of the body.
Concentration Impaired - Unable to easily focus your attention for long periods of time.
*Confusion - Not able to think clearly and understand in order to make a logical decision.
*Crying, Abnormal - Unusual and not normal fits of weeping for short or long periods of time for no apparent reason.
Depersonalization - A condition where one has lost a normal sense of personal identity.
Depression - A hopeless feeling of failure, loss and sadness that can deteriorate into thoughts of death.
Dreaming, Abnormal - Dreaming that leaves a very clear, detailed picture and impression when awake that can last for a long period of time and sometimes be unpleasant.
*Emotional Lability - Suddenly breaking out in laughter or crying or doing both without being able to control the outburst of emotion. These episodes are unstable as they are caused by things that normally would not have this effect on an individual.
*Feeling Unreal - The awareness that one has an undesirable emotion like fear but can’t seem to shake off the irrational feeling. For example, feeling like one is going crazy but rationally knowing that it is not true. The quality of this side effect resembles being in a bad dream and not being able to wake up.
Forgetfulness - Unable to remember what one ordinarily would remember.
Irritability - Abnormally annoyed in response to a stimulus.
Jitteriness - Nervous fidgeting without an apparent cause.
Lethargy - Mental and physical sluggishness and apathy that can deteriorate into an unconscious state resembling deep sleep. A numbed state of mind.
Restlessness, Aggravated - A constantly worsening troubled state of mind characterized by the person being increasingly nervous, unable to relax, and easily angered.
*Tremulousness, Nervous - Very jumpy, shaky, and uneasy while feeling fearful and timid. The condition is characterized by thoughts of dreading the future, involuntary quivering, trembling, and feeling distressed and suddenly upset.
Yawning - involuntary opening of the mouth with deep inhalation of air.

Respiratory:
Breath Shortness - Unnatural breathing using a lot off effort resulting in not enough air taken in by the body.

Skeletal:
Neck/Shoulder Pain - Hurtful sensations of the nerve endings caused by damage to the tissues in the neck and shoulder signaling danger of disease.

Sensory:
Taste alteration - Abnormal flavor detection in food.
*Tinnitus - A buzzing, ringing, or whistling sound in one or both ears occurring from the internal use of certain drugs.
Visual Disturbance - Eyesight is interfered with or interrupted. Some disturbances are light sensitivity and the inability to easily distinguish colors.

I starred the symptoms that have been the most obstructive and disturbing. Luckily my list is only 1/3 of the entire list of withdrawal syndrome symptoms so I could have it worse (although I'm pretty sure I would have gone right back on the medication had it been even the slightest bit worse). Even as I sit here writing this, I've had crazy crying bouts. The dizziness is so bad I can barely turn my head. I went to use the bathroom and ended up vomiting again. This is day 10! I broke down in tears earlier and told my mother that I am seriously thinking about just taking the stupid medication again because I'm afraid I will never feel normal again. I have read medical journals that documented withdrawal to last 2 months and sometimes over a year! It should not be legal to manufacture something that causes so much pain to discontinue. Drug companies get away with it because there is no evidence of "dependence" like with benzodiazepines. The quick-fix-prescription sentiment of most health care providers in this country possibly puts more people in a position of antidepressant dependence than need be.

I can't know for sure whether I would have ever developed panic disorder on my own over the years, or if the fact that my brain was "fried" at a young age by dozens of medications that weren't approved to treat me weakened me in some way to become easily susceptible to such disorders. I know now that I can avoid having to take medication in the future by adhering to a strict daily routine to manage anxiety and by continually making positive choices in regards to my health. I hope to walk through this and somehow help someone else avoid the hell I've been though. Right now I'm just going to focus on today and getting through another 24 hours without that brain poison.

Feel free to share any experience, strength or hope you have on the subjects of medication, mental health or even other medical issues you struggle with. It's taken a huge leap of faith for me to publicly acknowledge what I've experienced in my life, so please be respectful of that.

Creative Earnings?

2009-05-20T15:37:00.001-05:00

As most of you are already aware, I lost my job in Florida and have moved back to Wisconsin. I've got a job prospect, but unfortunately the "busy season" doesn't start for another month. I do not get unemployment. I do not have any savings. My car insurance is due today and this is my last resort - selling the very last of my CDs - to try to make ends meet.
I could take them down to Exclusive Company to get instant cash, but I would much rather sell them to people I know (again because these are the CDs I've held onto the longest, they mean something to me). Obviously I'm keeping my MUSE, Editors and Mew collection but that's all.
So here's the list - let me know if you're interested in any of it:

CDs:
Athlete - Beyond the Neighborhood
Band Marino - The Sea & the Beast
Blackbud - Heartbeat EP
Boy Kill Boy - Civilian
Dance Hall Crashers - Lockjaw **SOLD**
Dashboard Confessional - Drowning EP
Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
Dashboard Confessional - Summers Kiss EP
Dashboard Confessional - So Impossible EP
Dashboard Confessional - Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Dashboard Confessional - MTV Unplugged
Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar (UK Bonus Tracks)
Dear & the Headlights - Small Steps, Heavy Hooves
Dear & the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
Ani Difranco - Little Plastic Castle
Frente! - Marvin the Album
Green Day - 1039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Kerplunk (Lookout! Records)
Green Day - Dookie
Hot Chip - The Warning
Hundred Reasons - Ideas Above Our Station
Incubus - Make Yourself
Interpol - Turn On the Bright Lights
Jewel - Pieces of You
Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
Joy Division - Closer
Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures
Joy Division - Still
Joy Division - Substance
Keepsake - Black Dress in a B Movie
Mars Volta - Deloused in the Comatorium
Matchbox 20 - Yourself of Someone Like You
Myriad - With Arrows, With Poise
Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
Radiohead - OK Computer
Reel Big Fish - Turn the Radio Off
Reel Big Fish - Why Do They Rock So Hard
Reggie & the Full Effect - Promotional Copy
Remy Zero - The Golden Hum
Smiths - The Very Best of (UK version)
Spinto Band - Moonwink
Sunny Day Real Estate - LP2 (the pink album)
Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary

Original Soundtrack to Amelie
Les Miserables (Original London Cast)

DVDs:
Boondock Saints
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Control
Finding Neverland
Full Metal Jacket
Joy Division (documentary)
Stardust **SOLD**
Stigmata
Sunshine

L'alternative Music (Collection of videos plus CD - REGION 2)
Battle Royale II (REGION 3)

---More to come---

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

2009-05-16T14:48:00.003-05:00

Why do things have to be so difficult? Why is life so painful sometimes? Is it solely so we experience the joys more fully? Or is that just it - pain - with no explanation?

I have been trying my best to hold my head high when it has come to my divorce. Today I feel like I'm dragging my own face through the mud. I don't know how to get over someone. It was so much easier when I was 1200 miles away. I didn't have to worry about running into him or anyone else. Here it's like there's this constant nagging at the back of my head that he's less than 20 miles away; that I could (and have) run into someone he's close to at any time. I feel fragile.

I'm not sure if all my emotions are just amplified because of the move and other circumstances, but I am so sad today that I can't seem to stop crying. I went through FB and deleted all the people that were his friends (sorry, if you were one of them - I sent most an explanation email before deleting just so they knew it was nothing they had done). I love FB but sometimes it's the bane of my existence. I don't need to be reminded every stinking time someone tags a photo of James (what started this crying binge in the first place) or comments on something he said or posted. I blocked him and his girlfriend just for my own sanity, but the reminders kept coming. How does anyone get any space in this digital age?

So I wonder, naturally, why I am faced with all of this full on with no distractions. I was supposed to have a date today - you know - try to move on; have a good time. But like all the dates I was supposed to have in the last 2 months, it got canceled. Seriously. What does the universe want from me? Why did he get to date someone before I even left town the first time, but I have to be alone and focus on bettering myself? Can't I just fuck around and not do the next right thing for once?? What am I supposed to take from this?

I am hurting. I don't know how to make sense of my pain. I would go see my therapist, but I haven't got a job, let alone $80/hr to pay her. So this is where I emote. You can choose not to read it, you know?

Home Sweet... Home?

2009-05-14T22:53:00.003-05:00

I moved back to Wisconsin last weekend. It was a difficult decision that was made a bit easier when I lost my job at the photo studio. I had been deciding whether it was economically better for me to move home or not when the axe came.

I now live with my mother. This would not be a problem if my mother lived in Florida and it was 85 degrees out. But my mom lives in Waukesha - a place that has many bad memories for me. I was driving around the other day looking for furniture left on the curbside (yeah, so?) when I inadvertently found myself next to my old boyfriend's house from 12 years ago. 5 minutes later I was driving by my old best friend's house and then the cemetery he's buried at. There were happy memories too - like the bowling alley we had Crouton Fest at, and the boardwalk my ex-boyfriend dragged me to against my will to watch the sunrise (I've always been a vampire)... but nevertheless, there are A LOT of memories here. It's unnerving.

The second reason I'm bothered by my relocation is that my ex-husband is still here. He was supposed to move to NYC at the end of April but the construction of the new coffee shop was delayed and he's not leaving until late July now. Obviously, like everything that happens in my life, there is a reason I'm back here now. I feel like it must be time to face all the things I'm afraid of; all the things that make me uncomfortable - and still walk with my head held high. The only reason I am here is to get ahead. I can't plan (or attempt to plan) my next move until I can get caught up. I've got some debt that needs clearing up and some teeth that still need to be fixed. Once that is taken care of, I can move on - or back to Florida. Whichever. I can never know what the universe has in store for me.

Ideally I would like to work at Universal Studios this year for Halloween Horror Nights. I decided I don't do snow anymore. If I can be a bit of a "snowbird" I will. But again, I don't know what's in store for me. I really just have to do what's in front of me. What's in front of me now includes trying to sell enough stuff on eBay to pay to register my car in WI and get my old WI driver's license back. It also means meeting with an agency on Monday to discuss work options in the photo industry here. I'll probably even make a trip to Jimmy John's to see if they need drivers, and possibly the Exclusive Company for a shift or two (what can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment).

So that's that. I miss Florida already. The sun... as much as I like to think I'm a vampire, I love what that beautiful sun does for my mood. I never realized how depressed I was until I had sunshine for 365 days and wasn't any longer! I'll just have to hang on to the knowledge that someday I will live in a sunny climate again. It is what my soul needs. At least I discovered that much.

Brief

2009-04-11T03:14:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in over a month for a good reason. I am wrestling with a few difficult decisions, and did not want to make it public information (which I always tend to do if i sit down in front of the computer to write).

I will be back in Wisconsin for a visit next weekend. It's been a long time. 8 whole months without seeing my family and friends! I'm looking forward to the quiet drive by myself (seriously) and can't wait to have some REAL chocolate milk! LOL

Really, the only reason for this post is to let anyone that actually pays attention to me know that I am alive and well (relatively speaking). See you soon

ebay mania

2009-03-08T14:01:00.002-05:00

It has been almost a year since I left Milwaukee. I am starting to feel that pull again from the middle of my gut. It's this strange sensation that's telling me to not get too attached to things and be ready for change.

Both of my roommates are unemployed at the moment. I was notified that the photo shoot I was booked to work on in June has been canceled. Neither of the catalogs I work for are making money. It's looking like May will be my last bit of employment. I've already made plans to work at Summerfest in Milwaukee this June.

With the sneaky suspicion that I could be out of a job, I've begun preparing for what that would mean. I'm downsizing once again, and getting ready to head out if need-be. Mostly because I need to have as little as possible to be able to stay in a very cheap room. I'm a little scared, but also excited at what the future could bring. It's been too long in this city that doesn't interest me much. I love my friends here. I've made a lot of personal progress. But something is telling me I'm not supposed to stay. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm busy listing things that I've had since the 90s on eBay. I found a box of Beanie Babies, Jurassic Park collectibles and NKOTB memorabilia that I'm working my way through at the moment. I'm getting rid of the rest of my CDs and DVDs (except the essential MUSE, Editors, Travis and Mew collection and my LOST DVDs). I have all the music on my hard drive. I've got all the DVDs on my hard drive as well. I don't own a CD player anymore, and my DVD player broke... so why keep them?

It's been a weird couple weeks. I've grown less and less attached to my things. They aren't me. They aren't even my memories. I keep those with me. Some things may remind me of who I am and what I have seen and done, but if I've got a picture of it, I don't necessarily need to keep the physical object. It's been like I'm shedding a layer of skin. I'm letting go of things and know I'm alright with who I am and the people I love. I don't need much in this world, but I do need to give and receive love. Sometimes things get in the way of that need.

Anyway, I'm not making any rash decisions, just to let you know... I'm planning in my my own roundabout way. Like I said, I have work until May. I'll be back in Milwaukee for a visit in April, and then back to work at Summerfest in June. Hope you are all well.

Dance Dance Ybor

2009-02-06T22:00:00.002-06:00

I have been in the habit of making random friends for as long as I can remember. In fact, my mom has lovingly told countless stories of when I was young and she would take me to the playground. I would light up like the sun and scream "KIDS!!!" as soon as we got out of the car. Within 5 minutes, I would have some poor child by the hand, dragging them back to introduce my new "friend" to my mommy. It was the first thing I ever collected - friendship.

If you browse my Facebook page, I could tell you a million little stories from the different people I call friends. I think there are maybe 1 or 2 people in my list of 540 that I haven't met in person. But generally, the only people I accept as "friends" are people I actually know. There is the random boy I met at the ocean when I locked my keys in my car 10 months ago; the girl I met at EACYPAA in Kalamazoo 8 years ago. There are people I worked with in London; people I met on a fateful train journey from San Francisco to Chicago in 1999; people that I went to school with (grade school, high school, college in Madison, Milwaukee and London). Friends of friends in Chicago, Philadelphia, LA, NYC - all over. I am proud of the friendships I collect, and I'm always looking to expand my collection.

So lately, I have been using the internet to make more random friends. There is a newspaper here called Creative Loafing and they have a personals site where readers can hook up and find similar personalities through profiles. I got an email from a girl a few months back and we've been emailing and texting for a while now. Yesterday she was supposed to be in town with her friend for a metal show in Ybor. I was exhausted from working, and really just wanted to go to sleep, but I was bewitched by the possibility of meeting some cool new friends. So I changed out of my work clothes and dragged my butt down to Ybor.

I'm so glad I did. Despite the fact that I was freezing my ass off because I decided I didn't need my coat (or gloves), we had a great time. Sarah is my Florida sister now (like Amy is my Chicago twin). We didn't get much time to talk, but I could tell that she's someone cool that I will have lots in common with. Her friend Dayna was also very awesome. We have a metal kinship. Funny enough, Sarah had arranged to meet someone else from the interwebs at the same time - figured she would kill 2 birds with 1 stone. It was a big meet 'n' greet party. We went down to Gameworks and used some of the points left over from my birthday party to play Dance Dance Revolution. Sarah jumped all over in front of me to try to screw me up. I would post the pictures, but she hasn't added them to Facebook yet.

Anyway, it was a successful new friendship and I look forward to many random days with the 2 girls from Ft Myers.

PS This blog is especially for George ;)

Circuit City

2009-02-04T22:02:00.002-06:00

I really haven't got much to say. I started back at work today. Fun times!

I was driving around after work trying to decide which grocery story to buy fruit from when I saw the big yellow sign on Circuit City that said "Store Closing." I remembered hearing that Circuit City was liquidating, but had no idea when that was taking place. I figured that would be a fun stop to make, and it was right next to Whole Foods - which is a good place to find fruit.

Besides the fact that most stuff is only 20% off at the moment (and I'm almost positive they inflated the prices before starting the sale), I still managed to spend nearly an hour and a half there. I thought about how I could buy myself a new DVD player if I had money (but why would I need it, since I'm selling all my DVDs?)... Then I thought about how I could get a new laptop if I had the money (because the TWO laptops I already have don't seem to be enough). Then I planted myself in front of the BOSE surround sound system (which was marked down from $499 to $399, and will not be going lower). But I would really need a TV, DVD and receiver to go with the awesome speakers. So I wandered off to the portable storage - and found a 1TB hard drive that was marked down to $235. I only paid $150 for mine. (This is why I'm convinced they inflated prices before starting markdowns.) The iPods were only 10% off, but most were already gone. There were tons of DVDs left still, but I couldn't find any titles I was willing to spend money on (at only 20%, $21.99 movies aren't that cheap).

After wandering every single isle daydreaming about the stuff I could have (that I don't really even want in reality) I finally settled on a cheap wireless mouse for my laptop and a package of Presentation Paper. Both are things I have been wanting for a while. Mostly because my touch pad drives me crazy. I ran out of Presentation Paper months ago and haven't been able to print any of my button-badges since. Overall, a successful trip. But god help me in an electronics store! I don't know what it is. I just get lost there. There's something ultimately calming for me to be near electronics and media, which I find ironic since they all require significant amounts of energy. Maybe I'm like this weird android that feels better around like-minded machines. But I guess that would mean I would feel the opposite in bookstores and libraries, which is not the case. Oh well. I just like "toys." I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Arctic Blast?

2009-02-03T22:56:00.003-06:00

Why is it that I think I have blogged when I have actually done nothing? Is it because I sit around and think about writing things all day that I imagine I've put pen to paper in reality? Whatever it is, it's gotta stop!
Seriously, I just filled up my journal and I was flipping back through the pages over the last year and a half and noticed random notes scribbled in the margins during late night "brain spurts." I will be falling asleep sometimes and think of some really good phrase or an idea for a story, so I grab whatever is closest to me and write it down (which always happens to be my journal next to my bed). Problem is, I never go back and read them. I really need to come up with a system for organizing my notes, thoughts and ideas. I used to have this hand held tape recorder. That would probably be good now. But then again, I can use voice notes on my phone and I don't. I actually found some recordings on my old sim card from concerts I forgot I attended.

My brain is obviously swimming with all these story lines and half-formed thoughts for my books and blogs, yet I never seem to produce anything substantial. Does that happen to any of you? It's so frustrating because I know if I could actually get myself to do what it is my brain keeps telling me to do, I would be successful at it. Maybe that's what's stopping me. I don't know what successful looks like. Maybe I don't want to be successful because it's easier for me to be a loser.

Anyway, all these scattered thoughts over books and notebooks will have to be dealt with. Why is it that I finally make a resolve to do something grand just as I'm starting work again? Is it that whole failure, self-sabotage thing? Somebody please tell me to pull my thumb out and start going through my journals and organizing things!

By the way, the title is because the newscasters here are babbling on and on about this "arctic chill" that will be coming through Florida. Tomorrow night it will be 30 in Tampa. Oh no! 2 degrees below freezing. I think it's hilarious how there are all these major weather warnings out for the county I live in, all because the temp is approaching 0 Celsius. (Although I did complain earlier when I rode my bike to the Post Office and I didn't have gloves.) Anyway, laugh it up Northerners. Yes, sunny Florida is getting frost.

Pittsburg Fans are Lame

2009-02-01T13:03:00.002-06:00

Not half an hour after I posted my rant about not being paid in 6 weeks, my friend Kathy at work sent me a text informing me that the checks were there. What a freaking relief!
I rushed over to pick up my monies and was then informed that from now on, they will be holding our checks for 30 days - which means that this check is supposed to pay February's rent, March's rent, my phone bill, credit card, feed me, and fill my gas tank for a month. It was $975. Not happening. URGH. So you guys on Facebook really need to buy the rest of my stuff LOL!

I just think its more than inconvenient what's happening. I was using the money from my sale to fix my teeth (I have to come up with $2100 for a bridge before my top tooth grows completely out of the root). But now the money I have been saving up will go to filling my gas tank and putting food in my belly. It's like I'm never going to get caught up. I just don't want to lose any more teeth!

Speaking of teeth, I had this really crazy dream the other night. I won't go into too much detail, but the president was in it and my friend Tommy from Milwaukee. Obama was telling me that we had to recycle this poisoned water from Iraq and Tommy was having me move his vinyl collection to make room for the water we had to store. I looked into a mirror to find that all of my teeth had turned black. Sarah, Tommy's wife, came up behind me and said "Oh, your teeth are dead! That's one of the side effects of handling this poisoned water. The only way we can fix it is by giving you a shot of straight adrenaline into your spinal cord. That way it will change your entire chemical makeup." Because of the unknown side effects of the spinal injection, I decided I would rather let my teeth fall out. Sounds like my subconscious has a lot on its plate!

Anyway, that's about all that's going on here. I have money. It's Superbowl Sunday (and the Superbowl is happening just a couple miles from my house). I am staying inside and pretending there is nothing different about this day. If I go outside I may get attacked by the crazy Steelers fans. Funny story - I splurged Friday night by going to my favorite restaurant, Thai Terrace. The restaurant is only 2 blocks from Raymond James Stadium and there was a tent with Superbowl merch taking up half of the parking lot. So I had to park in the other side of the lot (which Thai Terrace shares with the Ho Jo) and as I pulled in, a group of guys were standing outside being obnoxious. I got out of the car and they were like "HEY! this spot's only for Steelers fans!!" I just shot them a dirty look, hoping they would pick up my telepathic message of "I live here, get out of my city" and walked over the restaurant. Apparently football fans think they have control over everything when their team is in the Superbowl. LAME!

When Am I Gonna Get Paid?

2009-01-30T11:15:00.003-06:00

GAH!!! I'm such a freaking loser. I couldn't even write 2 days in a row... urgh. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I have no good excuse for not writing, either. I spent ALL DAY on the internet yesterday. Mainly screwing around on Craigslist and Facebook. I also managed to look through concerts coming to Tampa, Orlando, Chicago, Milwaukee and Atlanta. Oh, and I read a bunch of Twitter updates. But I didn't write!

This is the only thing I have to write about, however: I have not received a paycheck since the 2nd week of DECEMBER. True. I worked this month. But I haven't been paid. Hmmmm...
In the 9 months that I have been doing freelance work for this studio, it has always been that I put my invoice in on Friday and receive a check the following Friday. Not once has it been any different - until this month! I have 2 invoices that the company is just sitting on. Tomorrow is the last day of January and rent is due. I have $12 in my checking account. I have about 120 miles left in my gas tank. I have enough food for 2 or 3 more days (I'll have to be creative with breakfast). This BLOWS!

You would think that if a company was going to change their policies on paying freelancers, they would give some sort of notice to said freelancers. But why would they do something thoughtful like that?! I sure freaking hope my apartment complex can work with me on this one. I am not about to pay $50 a day past the 3rd if I still haven't got a paycheck... GRRRRRRRR

Time to Do What it is I Do

2009-01-28T22:50:00.002-06:00

Someone asked me today about my blog. I sorta shrugged it off as something I only seem to do when I am traveling. But then I got to thinking. Someone asked about my blog yesterday, too. And the someone yesterday went on to talk about her struggles with her art - completely not related to me - but something that was suggested to her struck a chord in me. Her professor told her to spend an hour a day on a project she's working on, and complete a small part of it. After two weeks, if she didn't like what she came up with, she could distract herself with something else.
I got sidetracked in my own mind while she was sharing this with me. I though to myself, "huh. I could easily sit down and write for an hour every day in stead of spend an hour idly staring at a computer screen." Would I be happy with my work after two weeks? Who knows? But at least I would be doing something towards my goal for that time period instead of sitting around feeling afraid to try.

So here I am. Writing my blog on nothing of importance. But in the big picture, it could be a huge step towards something much more meaningful. I don't want to sit around not doing things because I'm afraid of failing (or succeeding). I'm tired of saying "I'm working on a book" but doing nothing but organizing and re-organizing my notes. I want to DO.
Just like anything, it takes starting to actually start something. I talk about wanting to exercise 3-5 times a week, but end up staying in bed too long and coming up with excuses not to. (Aside: I very recently uncovered an extremely deep-rooted fear that goes back to being in and out of hospitals my entire childhood. I grew up being told I couldn't physically exert myself without getting sick, and therefore have had a subconscious belief that I cannot exercise which has manifested itself as fear of exercise and procrastination.) I'm proud to say that last night I went for a 12 mile bike ride. Sunday I rode 18 miles and last Friday I rollerbladed a mile for the first time in 2 years. I started something.

I talked about doing things differently all of last year, and for the most part I did things differently. For whatever reason, the universe has decided to present me with my biggest challenge in doing differently to date. I am attempting to give up a coping mechanism I've had my entire life. Fear is the only thing that holds me back. Fear that I'm going to have nothing left if I give this up (which is a reasonable fear because, let's face it: I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't even ingest caffeine). What will there be left for me to use to "cope" with? Pain and tears? That doesn't seem satisfying at all.

I read a book yesterday called "She: Understanding Feminine Psychology." It uses the myth of Psyche and Eros to illustrate a woman's path in life. It had me in tears when I was reading about Psyche's 4th and seemingly impossible task (which she fails at the end, but is subsequently rescued by Eros). I sort of feel as though I have been given this impossible task. My life has been set up for it. I was brought to Florida, given supportive friends, removed from distractions (I have ZERO crushes at the moment - there are NO cute boys in Tampa), and presented with these truths about myself that had never before occurred to me as something I could deal with. All the help is here if I need it. I just have to DO.

If biking and writing make successful examples of me DOING, I think I will be alright in my difficult task.

LOST

2009-01-20T18:43:00.006-06:00

I'm talking about the television show, not actually being lost. I'm not quite sure I can get lost...
Anyway, I just spent the last 8 days re-watching my favorite series. This time, I kept a running list of questions that I have. Some of them are incredibly simple and really have no impact on the story line (like why does Rousseau say "there's no such thing as monsters" when they ask about the smoke monster). Others are central questions to the plot. Either way, I thought I would post them here. Maybe my fellow Lost fans can clear some things up if I've missed them. Feel free to comment and add questions of your own!

SEASON 1

1. How does Jack wake up in the middle of the jungle while everyone else seems to end up on the beach? EDIT: I only mention this because of a deleted scene on the DVD that shows Christian standing over Jack's body in the forest, telling Vincent to wake him up because he's got work to do. EDIT #2: how awesome that they repeated that scene when Jack found himself back on the island!!

2. Why does the smoke monster make mechanical noises? Why does it sound like an alarm?

3. It appeared that trees were being torn down in two different places at once on the first night - is there more than one smoke monster?

4. What happened to Christian's body?

5. Who are "Adam" and "Eve"?

6. What are the black and white stones found with Adam & Eve?

7. What does Rousseau know about the smoke monster? EDIT: That her team and her lover went into the temple hole and came back 'changed' !!!

8. What "sickness" was killing Rousseau's team that provoked her to kill them? EDIT: first actual concrete answer. going into the smoke monster's hole made them act crazy. granted, we don't know why or how, but we know there was never a weird flu bug or anything.

9. What are the whispers in the jungle? THEORY: time traveling Losties

10. Why did the psychic refuse to do Claire's first reading? What did he see?

11. Why does the psychic insist that Claire raise the baby? What "danger" surrounds the child?

12. Why did Kate lie about her dad taking her hiking and hunting?

13. How does John know all the things he does - predicting rain, tracking, hunting?

14. Why does Ethan appear to have super-human strength?

15. Why is the beach eroding?

16. What are the numbers? Where do they come from? Why are they powerful?

17. How did the Black Rock get into the middle of the island?

18. Who started the fire for the black pillar of smoke when Rousseau takes Claire's baby (there are no footprints)?

19. What does Locke see in the smoke monster?

SEASON 2

20. Why does Shannon (and later, Sayid) see Walt? What is he saying?

21. Why did the Others take so many of the Tailies, but none of the other Losties?

22. Where did the US Army knife come from? EDIT: in 1954 the US army was testing a hydrogen bomb on the island.

23. Was Dharma part of a US government project, or privately funded? --- NEVERMIND. The Hanso Foundation funded the Dharma Initiative.

24. How did the plane from Nigeria get on the island? EDIT: physically. I mean, Nigeria is half a world away from the South Pacific. How did that little passenger plane make it there?

25. Why do the Others dress like they are hillbillies? Why the costumes?

25. Why was Libby in the psych ward with Hurley?

26. Who dropped the palate of food? EDIT: In the Flame station, there was a command on the computer to have a palate drop. Did Patchy have food sent to the Losties?

27. Why does Dr Pierre Chang go by Marvin Candle in the Swan orientation tape, Mark Wickman in the Pearl orientation tape and Edgar Haliwax in the Orchid tape?

28. What's up with the giant bird that Hurley thinks says his name?

29. WTF is the 4-toed statue? Where is the rest of it?

30. What are the injections for?

31. How long have the Hostiles been on the island? Where did they come from?

32. What do the symbols in the countdown for the Swan station mean?

33. What exactly happens when the hatch implodes? Why does the sky turn purple?

34. Why does Ben give Michael a compass bearing of 325 (and all other travelings to and from the island are using a bearing of 305)? THEORY: possibly because the island moved in time when the hatch imploded. Faraday mentioned he would have to calculate a new bearing based on where they were in time. Michael's bearing is different from the other bearing because it is pre-hatch implode. ??

SEASON 3

35. What happened to Desmond's clothes?

36. How does Ms Hawking know the future and what Desmond needs to do?

37. Why does Brother Campbell have a picture with Ms Hawking on his desk? Does he also know Desmond's future?

38. Where did Karl come from? Was he born on the island? If so, how?

39. Why do the Others wear white cloth for Coleen's funeral? Do they have some weird religion on the island?

40. How can Mr Eko scare off the smoke monster at first?

41. Did Richard Alpert somehow arrange Juliet's husband getting hit by a bus?

42. What is the branding "mark" mean that Juliet gets for killing Danny?

43. Who the fuck is Jacob???

44. What happened to the bird with the note that Claire tied to its leg?

45. Why won't Ben let Juliet take someone off the island for further fertility testing?

46. Why won't he let Juliet see her sister?

47. Can Ben really cure cancer?

48. What is the symbol in the tree (where the medical supplies are hidden)?

49. When Juliet is yelling at Sawyer and Sayid about being 'moral police' she asks Sayid if they know about Bosrah. What happened with Sayid in Al-Bosrah?

50. Why does Naomi have a picture of Desmond and Penny?

51. What was Naomi's original purpose of coming to the island?

52. How does Anthony Cooper get to the island?

53. Why does Ben start getting better once Locke gets to the barracks?

54. Why does Ben ask Richard (sarcastically) if he still remembers birthdays? Does that mean that he no longer ages, but once did?

55. Why does Richard Alpert appear not to age?

56. What happened to Ben's friend Annie? Did Ben kill her too?

57. What is the perimeter to Jacob's cabin for?

58. Why can't Locke see Jacob?

59. What does Jacob tell Ben?

60. Why is Locke supposed to help Jacob?

61. Did Desmond really see Claire and Aaron get on a rescue helicopter?

62. What happens to Charlie's DS ring? Will Claire ever find it?

63. Did Ben start jamming communication on the island after the anomaly?

64. Why does Jack keep referring to his father in the flash forward as though he is alive? Is it just because he's on drugs, or is his father one of the "undead"?

65. Why is the funeral in the ghetto and why did no one show up?

66. Why is Mikail nearly invincible?

SEASON 4

67. Who is the tall black guy that comes to see Hurley in the psych ward, Locke in the hospital and has a meeting with Naomi?

68. How the hell does Charlie come to visit Hurley? Is he dead? Is Hurley crazy? Why does the other patient see Charlie too? ("I am dead. But I am also here." WTF)

69. Why is Daniel Faraday crying when he sees the coverage of Oceanic 815 on the news?

70. What is the machine Miles brings to the woman's house? How does he talk to dead people?

71. What is Daniel talking about when he says that the light doesn't scatter right on the island?

72. Why is Charlotte so interested in Oceanic 815?

73. Why is there a polar bear skeleton in Tunisia with a Dharma collar?

74. Why does Sayid seem to recognize Naomi's bracelet and its inscription?

75. Who is R.G.?

76. Why does Elsa have the same bracelet as Naomi?

77. What exactly is the experiment Daniel does with the beacon? Why does the payload arrive later? Why do the clocks differ by 31 minutes?

78. Who is the guy Sayid kills on the golf course?

79. Why does Miles want 3.2 millions dollars? What is the significance of the amount?

80. Who and what is Ben and why does Widmore say everything Ben has he took from Widmore?

81. What are Charlotte and Daniel doing with the cards? EDIT: Trying to improve Daniel's memory. From the amount of time travel he's done, he does not remember many things (like meeting Desmond at Oxford).

82. How did the helicopter with Sayid and Desmond take off at dusk and land in the middle of the day?

83. Why does Daniel not remember Desmond coming to Oxford? EDIT: because he's a time-traveling nutter

84. Why does Daniel's journal say "if anything goes wrong Desmond Hume will be my constant"?

85. Who does Juliet resemble to Ben?

86. Why does Regina jump overboard?

87. Who really faked the Oceanic 815 crash at the bottom of the ocean (Tom tells Michael that Widmore did it; Captain Gault tells Desmond and Sayid that Ben did it)?

88. Where did Frank Lupidis go on his "errand" and what was it?

89. Why won't the island let Michael kill himself (or how)?

90. How does the doctor show up on the island dead before he is killed?

91. Why/how does Ben wake up in the middle of the Sahara on October 24, 2005 directly after he moves the island?

92. Why does Ben go as Dean Moriarty in Tunisia? Why does the clerk look so frightened once she knows who he is?

93. Why was Nadia murdered?

94. What "rules" did Widmore change when he killed Alex?

95. How did Ben call the smoke monster? Why was he so dirty when he came back?

96. Why does Charles Widmore claim the island is his: always has been, and will be again?

97. Why did Jack get appendicitis on the island?

98. Why do dead Losties come to visit Hurley?

99. What is Kate doing for Sawyer when Jack is waiting for her at home?

100. Why didn't the smoke monster kill Keamy and the rest of the soldiers?

101. Why did Claire go with Christian and leave Aaron behind?

102. Why is Richard Alpert at the hospital when Locke is a baby? EDIT: because in 1954 John Locke tells Richard Alpert that he is going to be born 2 years later.

103. What is the test Richard Alpert has young Locke take (with the Book of Laws, baseball glove, vial of sand, compass, comic book and knife)? Why does he freak out when Locke chooses the knife?

104. Why was Locke drawing pictures of the smoke monster when he was young?

105. Why does the "secondary protocol" have a Dharma symbol on it?

106. Why are Claire and Christian speaking for Jacob and what the hell do they tell Locke besides that he has to move the island?

107. How did Claire's mom recover from the car accident?

108. What does Miles mean when he tells Charlotte he's surprised she doesn't want to stay after how much time she spent trying to get "back here"? EDIT: rephrase the question - HOW does Miles know Charlotte was born on the island before she remembers it herself?

109. What does Sawyer tell Kate before he jumps out of the helicopter?

110. Why does Sun want to help Charles Widmore? EDIT: because she wants to kill Ben and thinks he is responsible for Jin's (supposed) death

111. What does Sun blame Jack for?

112. Why is John Locke also known as Jeremy Bentham?

113. How does Michael leave the island on day 65, go home, alienate his son, try to kill himself by crashing his car, recover, try to kill himself again, get talked into helping Ben by a visit from Tom, get a job on a freighter that also carries Naomi, Miles, Frank, Charlotte and Faraday, and be in the middle of the ocean for Naomi to parachute onto the island before day 81 or 82 (she dies on day 90)????

114. Horace Goodspeed was killed in the "purge" by the Hostiles and Ben 12 years prior to the crash. That means Dharma was wiped out in 1992. Kelvin Inman joins the Dharma Initiative after the Gulf War, which ended in 1991. Desmond crash landed on the island in 2001. How is it that Kelvin pushed the button for 9 years and the Others never came to bother/kill him?

**EDIT**
I went onto the Lost wiki (BIG mistake) a little while ago. I just read one article and scrolled down to the "unanswered questions" section. ..cough.. I found 20 more questions that I didn't even *think* were questions in less than 30 seconds on that site! I'm so screwed. Well, at least you know that these were my honest questions before I became ultra-obsessed. If I find answers, I'll update in blue.
http://lostpedia.wikia.com

Year in Music

2008-12-31T16:35:00.061-06:00

As far as music goes, forget Pitchfork's top 50 albums of the year. What do they know anyway??
This is the reason my top 50 list is so much better than Pitchfork's: I give you links to my favorite track from each album!

50. Louis XIV Slick Dogs & Ponies Guilt By Association
49. Safetysuit Life Left to Go Someone Like You
48. Oxford Collapse Bits Young Love Delivers
47. Feral Children Second to Last Frontier Baby Joseph Stalin
46. Copeland Beneath Medicine Tree She Changes Your Mind
45. Tickle Me Pink Madeline Typical
44. Cajun Dance Party The Colourful Life No Joanna
43. Innerpartysystem S/T Heart on Fire
42. Hawthorne Heights Fragile Future Rescue Me
41. Rise Against Appeal to Reason Re-Education (Through Labor)
40. Black Kids Partie Traumatic I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You
39. Sigur Rós Með Suð í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust Með suð í eyrum
38. The Cure 4:13 Dream Sleep When I'm Dead
37. Envy & Other Sins We Leave at Dawn Don't Start Fires
36. Los Campesinos! Hold on Now, Youngster You! Me! Dancing!
35. The Plastic Constellations We Appreciate You Perched on a Porch
34. Fairmont Transcendence Melt Your Heart
33. TV on the Radio Dear Science Red Dress
32. Aqualung Words and Music 7 Keys
31. The Envy Corps Dwell Story Problem
30. Fall Out Boy Folie a Deux Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes
29. Ludo You're Awful I Love You Love Me Dead
28. Elliot Minor S/T Jessica
27. Son, Ambulence Someone Else's Déjà Vu Horizons
26. The Presets Apocalypso Talk Like That
25. Anthony Green Avalon She Loves Me So
24. Radiohead In Rainbows Videotape (it did get released Jan 1 2008!)
23. The Ting Tings We Started Nothing Shut Up and Let Me Go
22. Ours Mercy Live Again
21. Snow Patrol A Hundred Million Suns Disaster Button
20. Neil Halstead Oh, Mighty Engine Elevenses
19. The Killers Day & Age Human
18. Jack's Mannequin The Glass Passenger The Resolution
17. Bayside Shudder Moceanu
16. Edison Glass Time is Fiction Our Bodies Sing
15. Pendulum In Silico Granite
14. The Wombats A Guide to Love, Loss and Desperation Moving to New York
13. The Futureheads This is Not the World Radio Heart
12. Curbsquirrels We Wish We Knew How to Quit This 8-Bit
11. Travis Ode to J. Smith J. Smith
10. Kerli Love is Dead Creepshow
9. Liam Finn I'll Be Lightning Second Chance
8. Shiny Toy Guns Season of Poison I Owe You a Love Song
7. Bell X1 Flock Flame
6. Coldplay Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends Violet Hill
5. Margot & the Nuclear So and So's Not Animal! Broadripple is Burning
4. Hot Chip Made in the Dark Ready for the Floor
3. Nada Surf Lucky I Like What You Say
2. Dear & the Headlights Drunk Like Bible Times Try
1. MUSE H.A.A.R.P. Hysteria

The only reason I put a live album in the #1 slot is because it's MUSE and they can do no wrong. There is no new material - just recordings from their Wembley Stadium gigs in 2007. So really, you can say DATH is #1 on my list, Nada Surf #2, and so on.

As for live music this year, I didn't get the chance to see much of anything. Of course I saw Editors, Hot Hot Heat and Louis XIV 3 times at the start of the year. Editors were amazing, as always. I tried to catch the Envy Corps in NY, but found out they canceled the rest of their shows to tour in England. I was able to see some new bands because I went without knowing they had canceled. Check out The Myriad if they ever come near you. Same goes for Vedera. The vocalist for Vedera looked like a little pixie... I wanted to hug her.

I finally saw Hot Chip this year, and it was the only show that made me bust out and dance. That rarely happens, but I broke a sweat at that Hotlanta show.

One of my favorite concerts of the year was Dear & the Headlights. They played the Orpheum and I went by myself - but had such a great experience I would drive hours to see them again.

Check out my videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/darkshines8
There are some great full length Nada Surf videos, as well as a few other gems from this year.
Looking forward to a greatly musical 2009!

The Best Year of My Life

2008-12-31T10:26:00.014-06:00

I'm watching CNN at the moment as they are re-capping 2008. Every half hour they show another major city celebrating the coming of 2009. The headline reads: Good Riddance 2008! I don't know about you, but I can't relate to all the reporting about 2008 being a terrible year for everyone. I think I may be the only one that considers 2008 the best year of my life!

As promised, here is a list of my favorite memories (both "good" and "bad") of being 28 years old. The mantra for the year has been "I am completely open to what the universe has in store for me." [This was an incredibly fulfilling year, so it's a long list]:

*Spending two days with Editors. Having Ed and Chris suggest I tattoo their faces on my boobs. Talking with Tom for hours about music and the downfall of NME. Turning down the drunken bass player from Louis XIV.

*Getting 18" of snow in one night and then leaving Milwaukee a week later.

*Saying goodbye to the Milwaukee skyline at the lakefront with Jonathan.

*8th row tickets to Matchbox Twenty with Shana (sitting behind the Charlie look-a-like guitar player from Mute Math).

*Staying with Jen in Manchvegas - cheeseballs, Rock of Love, Cracker Barrel, the Crab.

*Locking my keys in the car at the oceanfront and meeting Jon. Getting a personal tour of the oldest settlement in NH.

*Watching LOST with Liz (and kissing the almost life-size cutout of Dom).

*Driving the Blue Ridge Parkway.

*Having an awesome first date with Justin - swimming in the Gulf at 3am.

*Nada Surf at the State Theatre with Aimee.

*Finding a ticket on eBay to see Eddie Izzard, and making a friend at the same time.

*Driving around with Amanda, Aimee and Christina to the dog park.

*Male Order Brides show with Aimee - crazy bar fight.

*Green Lake with Addie, Kelsa, Micheal and Melanie.

*Sean giving me his PS2 - and all the subsequent Guitar Hero and Rock Band playing.

*Surprise party for my 9 year anniversary.

*Howl-o-Scream with Corey and Jen. Riding Sheikra.

*Halloween Horror Nights with Christina. Wandering the Streets of Blood (or whatever it was called) and saying "I could stay here all night" as a tall ghoul came straight up to me and stared me down. oooooooh it was the sexiest moment of 2008!!

*Re-discovering my love for baseball... watching the Rays not win the World Series.

*Driving to Atlanta with Christina to see Hot Chip. Lychees. Zombie scabs.

*Seeing Dear & the Headlights at the Orpheum.

*Watching Obama turn Florida blue with all my friends!

*Trip to Seattle to see Sarah. Shopping at Trader Joe's. Watching Twilight. Eating Coldstone Creamery. Paul giving me 30 Days of Night graphic novel. Grabbing boobies.

*New Kids on the Block concert with Christina.

*Melanie giving me Bella and Alice.

Here are some of the more disappointing memories of 2008:

*Breaking a tooth on the way home from Editors in Madison.

*18" of snow in one night.

*Sleeping in my car on Easter in Vermont in 5 degree weather.

*Trying lobster for the first time - gross.

*Boston and the aftermath of Wagamama's.

*Smurfette dying.

*Having my car towed at the Eddie Izzard gig.

*Any time I hung out with Justin after the first date. lol

*Having a tooth pulled (and signing divorce papers) on my trip back to Milwaukee.

*Rays not winning the World Series.

*Twilight movie.

*Not being able to skydive.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends, both old and new, that have made this such a fantastic year. It has been a pleasure getting to know you Jon, Aimee, Christina, Amber, Erin, Barbara, Mike, Brian F, Corey, Lil Jen, Dan, Jamie, Debbie, Jessica, Melanie M, Nick, and everyone else along my travels and since my move to Tampa.

another year

2008-12-21T11:55:00.002-06:00

Today I turned 29.
I would have to say that it was the best birthday I can remember having - mostly because I drove around with the windows down and wore a short sleeved t-shirt all day :)

I guess I'll back up a bit. I've been very busy lately, and it's been good. I was working a lot, and more recently making presents for everyone (CDs will be in the mail this week), as well as spending a lot of time with my friends. I was starting to get a bit sad this week because I am away from my family during the holidays - and I was missing James a bit. It's the first birthday I've been single for since 2001.
Fortunately, I have amazing friends (like I've mentioned before) and we had a couple great nights planned. Friday night Christina, Aimee, Amanda and I went to Outback for my traditional birthday meal of steak. The 3 of them were in top form and had me laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee on myself. The waitress brought me the free ice cream and they sang "Happy Birthday" to me. She didn't believe I was 29. She said she thought maybe 19 or 20. Awesome. Apparently I'm the only one that looks younger the older I get.

Last night a bunch of us went to Gameworks in Ybor City to play arcade games. I don't really care for the regular video games - I prefer the old school stuff. I spent nearly 2 hours playing skeeball and pinball. I played a round of DDR with Jen, and a round with Josef. We then went to a place that serves "Alaskan" tacos. An Alaskan taco is a taco that is deep-fried with all the ingredients in it. They had gator tacos, and since this year has been all about trying things I've never tried before, I got a gator taco. Surprisingly, I liked the gator taco better than the beef taco. I couldn't even eat half the beef taco - I gave it to Christina (it wasn't ground beef - it was like a slab of hamburger cooked in a shell). Gross.

Before Gameworks, a boy took me out to my favorite restaurant for Thai food. It was super sweet, and I had a great time. More will be revealed on this subject...

The best gift I got was from Melanie. She bought me 2 baby rats and the cage and all their stuff. I was so excited! Melanie hates rats, but she loves me enough to get me something she can't stand just because they make me happy. awwww!! (check out the ratties on my shoulder in the pic)

What I really wanted, however, was to go skydiving today. I have always wanted to do it, and this is the first time in my life I was in a place where it was possible to do it in the middle of December. I asked everyone I knew in Tampa if they wanted to join me. A few people said they were interested, but not financially able to join me. Amanda was the only person willing (with my persuasion) to jump out of a plane with me. We drove out to Zephyrhills, Sky Dive City at 3pm. There were a few clouds, but consistent loads taking off every 15 minutes. Something held our instructors up, and we sat and waited a very long time to be suited up and strapped into our harnesses. We finally boarded the tiny plane with about 20 other jumpers (you're crammed in side by side, straddling two long padded benches). I was watching the altimeter climb slowly as we rose above the clouds. Looking out the window, I started thinking about the past year. We came through the layer of thick white and the sun was starting to go down, which gave the clouds a very surreal textured glow about them. I started to tear up at the beauty of it, and how it was a complete miracle that I was even sitting on that plane. I looked over at Amanda, who was in such an intense state of shock I'm not sure she even realized she was on a plane anymore. I was so relaxed and peaceful, and couldn't wait to get out and be a part of the clouds when my ears went funny. I looked down at the altimeter and we had just reached 9000' but we were falling. The other jumpers were putting their helmets on and I was totally confused. The guy I was supposed to tandem with leaned forward and said the cloud cover was too thick and the pilot decided to land. I thought he was joking, but then realized the altimeter was falling twice as fast as we climbed. No good. Just under the clouds, at 5000' the licensed jumpers flew out the door one by one. There were 5 trainees, Amanda and I, and the 2 instructors left. They closed the airplane door and buckled themselves back in. We really were landing.
The plane touched down and my physical reaction was immediate. I was going to cry, and it was going to be a thorough cry. The guys were saying that we could wait around for the last 30 minutes of daylight to see if the clouds cleared up, but it was unlikely. I was like "Happy fucking birthday to me," and then started to cry. I couldn't stop myself. I kept trying to breathe it down, and look up - all the tricks I know to keep myself from crying, but I just couldn't hold it back. The one instructor kept trying to give me a hug and tell me that I could just get a rain check and come back any time, but it wasn't helping. He offered to buy me a drink ("it's nothing a few margaritas can't fix" - oh little does he know!)... They called it for sure - weather stopped the last load from taking off. We got unstrapped and out of the ill-fitting jumpsuits and slumped back to the car. As soon as I shut the door I told Amanda I was just going to let it out - since the tears were forcing their way past my eyes like some monster trying to escape its cage. And I did. I couldn't understand why I was so utterly crushed. I mean, it has been a life goal of mine - but I will get another chance. I sent a message to a few friends saying I couldn't stop crying and Christina had a good insight - I had all sorts of pent up anticipation and adrenaline, and my body was just releasing it. So true. When I was done crying, I felt much better. I even laughed my ass off at Amanda and how scared she had been (I have been telling her for 5 days that all she has to do is get on the plane and it will be okay - and she did get on the plane; she just didn't have to jump out of it). Even though I was sad, the thought kept running through my head that "there is always a reason" for things not working out the way I want them to. Who knows what could have happened.

The disappointment gave way to a great meal at Five Guys with Jen, Christina and Amanda - followed by a trip to Cold Stone Creamery. By the way, Christina got me the Vampire Book (a complete encyclopedia of vampire myths and lore!). Amanda and I came home and played with the new babies and Aimee stopped by to drop off her gift to me: a t-shirt with lions on it!

------
I just started to write my conclusion for this blog with a list of my favorite moments for the year, when I realized I really want to relive and cherish those memories - so I'm postponing the conclusion. I may do the list later tonight; I may post it tomorrow. Either way, I am not quite finished, but not quite ready to finish my 28th year. Until that post...

My Friends Over You

2008-12-01T22:34:00.003-06:00

Let me tell you about my friends...

For about a week now I've had a date planned for tonight (12/1). At first I wasn't terribly excited. I don't like to get my hopes up for dates in case they don't turn out well. My friend Jessica was playing excited for me. She kept saying "I have such a good feeling about this!" and I just smiled and said I was glad she did.
Over the last few days I had numerous phone conversations with my date. Needless to say, they were awesome and I found myself becoming more and more thrilled at the planned meeting. We were both building this up to be 3-D awesome.

He was in Milwaukee yesterday and was flying back to Orlando last night. I spoke to him last at about 1pm and he said he would call me later since he was almost to the airport.
He didn't call back but I didn't really think about it until today.
I didn't hear from him all day.
I left work and started my preparations for the date. I had more than a handful of friends now wanting updates and wishing me luck. It seems everyone has taken an interest in my love life here. I guess I'm not the only one wishing for a happy ending after all the heartache of the past few years.

Here's the deal. He was supposed to be in Tampa for work this week. He was driving in with his boss. I knew he was most likely busy with work, but I just wanted to make sure we were still on for dinner so I sent a message asking. It was a while before I heard back and was told about complications with work. My gut already told me the date wasn't going to happen, but I held onto a bit of hope. He called and explained the situation and was trying to get his boss to let him stay another day so he could train people further (aka hang out with Vega). I waited.

I continued to get ready. I have to admit my outfit was fantastic. My hair looked great. My makeup was cooperating. There was no way I was letting this go to waste. So I decided to take a trip to the airport post office to mail some packages and wait for a response.
It came.
He had to go back to Orlando.
I was extremely disappointed. I also understood that he was exhausted from not getting a lot of sleep and having a crazy day at work. But mostly, I had built up all this excitement and expectations had developed; I felt really empty all of a sudden.

Its no secret that I'm totally crazy. My head likes to visit dark places and make up stories all on its own. It's sort of like the movie Amelie. Nino doesn't show up for a meeting Amelie tries to set up (by hiding ripped pictures with a message in the trash) and she imagines that he was kidnapped by bank robbers, shipped off to Istanbul where Afghan raiders try to make him steal Russian warheads but their truck hits a mine in Tajikistan. He survives, but takes to the hills and becomes a Mujaheddin. My insanity isn't quite that extreme, but it took me to a place where he had made up the whole story about work and he hadn't even been in Tampa. I'm guessing its because James used to lie to me about all sorts of things. But still... Ridiculous. I caught myself before giving my imagination free reign and sent out a message to Christina, Aimee, Jen and Jessica. I just said that I was going to Starbucks because the date was off - that if I went home I would just cry myself to sleep (what can I say? I've a knack for being over dramatic).

I got replies immediately. Christina first; Aimee next, reminding me that it wasn't the end of the world and that it would just have to happen another night - but that she understood the disappointment and she was on her way. Jessica just sent a message saying "On my way!" and Jen followed suit. I wandered over to Starbucks and found only one person I knew there. Nicola calmed my crazies while I waited for the others.

They all showed up. I was feeling much better already and my heart warmed at how they came out for me. Jessica had been on a date! Aimee was in bed. None of them said any of that in their replies - they just heard I was upset and came to be with me. That is amazing. That is friendship.
If I had known my friends were so amazing like this, I would have asked for them when I was actually upset - on those nights when I used to cry myself to sleep about James and that whole messed up situation. I had a gold mine of friendship that I hadn't thought to tap into.

We sat and talked about Twilight. We joked about other stupid things. I showed them pictures of the snow that my mom and Liz sent me (apparently it dumped 9" on Waukesha yesterday). Jessica had called Amanda and let her know that I was upset and she showed up as well. I was surrounded by my favorite people in Tampa, and full of love for those fabulous women.
I may not have had a fantastically hot date tonight, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself with my friends.

I want them all to know that I would do the same for any of them; I would drop anything for them. Any time.

Road Tripping in Florida

2008-11-20T12:08:00.017-06:00

I promised my dad I would post about my Florida road trip when I got back (the Everglades don't have much as far as wi-fi service goes).

I have this week off, and thought it was time I explored the state I live in a bit. Monday afternoon I packed up Apollo (I changed Charlie's name after I gave him a nice cleansing and tlc) and headed south on 275. I have only been over the Skyway once, and that was at night. It was way more exciting during the day - almost like flying. I don't know why I like bridges so much, and especially the tall ones. It's exciting.

I realized after I crossed the bridge into Bradenton, that I was headed into uncharted Vega territory. I had never been that far south before. Anywhere. Every mile that I drove was the new furthest southern point I had ever been. I can't wait to go to Peru or Brazil so I can cross into the Southern Hemisphere! So anyway, I took my time like I always do - and stopped at an outlet mall to buy a veggie steamer. That's important. lol.
It got dark very quickly - I forget that it's the end of November because it's much warmer than I'm used to. But the sky still gets dark early whether it feels like June or not. I made it to the Everglades but wanted to be able to see them, so I figured I would try to sleep. I was on Hwy 41 and it was DARK. I sat on the hood of my car for a long time watching stars. There are 2 smaller meteor showers going on at the moment. One is almost finished, and the other is peaking tomorrow - so I saw a few shooting stars. It was so nice and peaceful. I'll have to do this more often. Actually, I think I'll go camping soon - camping in December! How awesome.

I woke up with the sun and started my drive through the Everglades. One of the first things I noticed was that there were TONS of birds. It was to the point of almost being Hitchcock creepy. The birds here have fascinated me since I first visited. They look almost prehistoric. Enormous wood storks and pelicans, strange swimming anhingas, herons, eagles, hawks, rails, nighthawks, gulls, sandpipers and cranes, terns and parakeets, cuckoos and kingfishers, grackles, mockingbirds and many many more. I turned just in time to see an entire flock of Roseate Spoonbills fly by. They are large bright pink birds. Its wonderful to see all these flying creatures everywhere. I think South Florida would be a bird watcher's dream.
I got to Shark Valley and paid my National Park fee. Pulling into the parking lot there was a huge gator sitting on the side of the road. That's one thing I don't think I'll ever get used to - alligators. They are so freaking creepy. I rented a bike (next time I'll pay attention to that little intuition that says "bring your bike with you" and avoid the $13 rental fee), and was told that the gators posed no danger unless I tried to feed them, but to still stay 15 feet away. I don't know how they expected that to happen when the bike path was only about 10 feet wide. But anyway...
It was a 15 mile trip to the observation tower and back. The 8 miles back were grueling! There was a super strong head wind and it was a constant struggle to keep peddling. I definitely got my workout for the day. My legs are still sore.There's only so much of the Everglades you can see before it becomes monotonous. I quickly tired of looking at grass and water; I stopped taking pictures of gators and birds. I did see a bald eagle, and a handful of different hawks. It was time to find something to eat, though. I continued towards my destination of the keys and found a Cracker Barrel (you know me and my road trips! gotta have some Cracker Barrel). I ate breakfast and filled my gas tank. By the way, I just had an oil change done and I spent a butt load of money on this special full synthetic oil called Royal Purple - it was worth it, because my gas mileage jumped to between 32 and 42 mpg! YAY for Apollo!

Key Largo was interesting. It's the first of the Keys and there are stupid tourist traps everywhere. Souvenir shops and such were dotted every couple blocks. I paid attention to the gas prices. $2.07 on Key Largo. Not bad. Crossing the first bridge was cool - the water was a beautiful greenish blue. It looked very tropical. But as I drove on, the Keys became grungier and less impressive. The few local gas stations and shops were run down. Gas was climbing into the $2.40's. Then I made it to the 7 Mile Bridge. I have wanted to drive over this forever! 7 miles seems so long, but so short at the same time. At one point I let myself fully realize that I was driving on a strip of concrete in the middle of the ocean - I let it sink in, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. The old bridges were on either side of most of the new bridges and it was unnerving to see these things rotting and falling apart. Why don't they take the steal and melt it down to reuse it? Is that possible? It just seems such a waste to have miles of material in old bridges just sitting in the ocean.
I finally made it to Key West and the sun was setting (which gas was now $2.59, btw). I grabbed my atlas to see where I could drive to watch the ocean swallow the sun. I have been waiting to see this since 2001. On the very tip of Key West is a State Park next to the air force base. I made it there, paid my $3.50 and was told I had until the end of sunset. It was absolute perfect timing. I filmed the sunset so that if I ever felt like watching the sea swallow the sun again, I could. You can find it on my YouTube page (youtube.com/darkshines8).
The last week I've been mourning my relationship again. While I was sitting watching the sunset, I had this crazy idea to take off my ring and throw it in with the setting sun. I've been wearing the cheap ring that we bought for James the morning of the wedding - since he got his real ring sized. It's a constant reminder of pain. I wonder why I hang on so tightly. It's so hard to let go of what could have been. I took the ring off and found a small rock that fit the ring like a finger. I couldn't do it, but I'm not putting the ring back on. I made my journey to Key West and left part of my pain in the ocean with the sun.Now that the sun was down, I had just a bit of twilight to drive through the streets of Key West. It sort of reminded me of the little bit of New Orleans that I saw. It was pleasing to see so many people riding bikes and walking. But there was still a shit ton of traffic. Actually, considering the whole trip (even Miami), the worst traffic I hit was on Key West. Weird.
I made it halfway back through the Keys when I decided to stop at a parking area before one of the bridges. I had a major migraine and felt like I was going to barf if I didn't sleep. The stars were even better here in the middle of the ocean (duh). I saw a few more shooting stars and then tried to rest. Fishermen coming and going made me uncomfortable and I finally decided to just keep driving. I had to pee and needed to find an open restroom. I was reading to just pull off the side of the road when I finally found a gas station that was open. I was on Long Key. I drove 40 miles looking for a bathroom. yikes. I figured I would keep driving until I hit Key Largo since I knew there was a visitor center I could park in. It was 2am when I got there, parked, and slept until morning. On to Miami...

I ate breakfast at the same Cracker Barrel, and filled my gas tank at the same gas station as when I left. Unbelievably, I drove to Key West and back on 6 gallons of gas!! 250 miles. Good job, Apollo!
I don't really know what I was planning on doing in Miami. I guess I just needed to see it, since I've never been. What a strange place. At first it really reminded me of LA. I couldn't tell if it was just because of the types of palms and the sprawling strip malls. But then I realized the light was the same as LA. And now I KNOW that strange white light that seems somehow brighter than anywhere else is due to the pollution. You can see the thick clouds of yellow over Miami from the Everglades. It's very sad. So that apocalyptic feel of white light followed me through the Miami area. I drove through South Beach. It seemed like an interesting enough area. I would definitely like to go back and explore when I'm not short on time. It was very surreal to see tall buildings scattered among all this water. And some of the architecture is stunning. Overall, I was fascinated by Miami. I've always had this contempt prior to investigation. But I'm setting that now.

I headed towards the freeway and got onto Alligator Alley (toll road through the Everglades). I was exhausted and feeling very sick. At the first rest stop I pulled in, bought some orange juice for my throat, and decided to nap before continuing on. I needed to make it back to Tampa by 8pm. It was 2pm. I really wasn't sure how long of a drive it was, but I know I needed to take care of myself. I blocked out the windows with my shades and fell asleep. I awoke at 4:15, feeling much better but frantic that I wouldn't make it back in time. I just resigned myself to being late and continued driving at my 70 mph cruise. I didn't hit traffic the whole time. I made it straight to Town and Country to meet up with Jen, Aimee and Nicole like planned.

All said and done, I really enjoyed my Florida tour. I'm resting today, and getting on a flight to Seattle tomorrow morning to visit Sarah! Thanks for reading :)

NKOTB are blogworthy

2008-11-02T22:57:00.004-06:00

Has it really been more than a month since I've last posted??
I was apparently quite busy in October.

Anyhow, I just got back from the St Pete Times Forum where New Kids on the Block performed tonight. Yeah. I said it. NKOTB. I'm not ashamed to tell you I had an AMAZING time. Really.
It was pretty unexpected, actually. Christina had a pair of free tickets to the show in one of the private boxes. She asked Erin to go with her. Erin, unfortunately, had food poisoning today. I got to go instead.

As we were driving downtown, I was remembering the first time I saw NKOTB. My mom and aunt took me and 2 of my cousins to see them in 1989. I was 10 years old. We had nosebleed seats at the Bradley Center. I remember most of the show vividly. The crowd did the "wave" before they played. I was fascinated by that. I also couldn't believe that people actually paid to sit not only in the nosebleeds, but in the nosebleeds behind the stage. I have not been to a concert since then that was that completely sold out.
What I remembered most about the show in 1989 was that my ears rang for 2 days. My first bout of tinnitus was not because the music was too loud, but rather because there were 20,000 girls screaming at some deadly decibel. I complained to my mom during the show that I couldn't hear the music because they were all screaming. I really didn't understand why they did that. I mean, I totally thought Joey and Jordan were cute, but that was the extent of it. Why would someone pay money to scream for 2 hours?

Tonight answered my question. I now realize that at 10 years old, I was lacking the hormones that fueled most of those screams. Yeah. There's no shortage of hormones for me now. Actually, I'm pretty sure I discovered a new organ somewhere in my lower abdominal region that is activated by sexy boys dancing onstage. At one point during the show, Christina said her ovaries hurt. I totally understood what she was talking about.

The night started out with me getting goosebumps during the second song. I was a bit ashamed. I kept making faces at Christina and pretended to make fun of the girls around us singing along. Luckily I was able to outgrow my pride and drop the cynicism long enough to let the memories flood back into my mind. One of the many wardrobe changes put them all in 80s gear (complete with Joey's smiley face jacket). They were on a revolving circular stage set in the middle of the crowd on the floor as they played Tonight, Tonight. This was my favorite song from that album. I don't know what happened, but the thought of my two favorite 'kids' singing and dancing coupled with the visual stimulation suddenly overloaded my brain and I started freaking out. And by freaking out, I mean I was jumping up and down squealing like a 15 year old girl, grabbing onto Christina's arm like she was saving me from falling off a cliff... this lasted for about a minute. She was like, "that was super intense! I thought you were going to pass out for a minute!" I had become the girl I had always questioned - always judged. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I freaked out a second time during the night when Jordan Knight got to play his solo single "Give it to You." Holy god I thought I was going to implode. How is it that I actually think that they are still hot when everything they do and sing about - the way they dance and dress - would otherwise make me say "GAY! LAME!"?? Is it just that I have such fond memories of listening to NKOTB tapes? Or do they actually have some sort of special talent or rather power over us women? I looked around the venue at one point to see everyone, and I mean everyone, waving their hands in the air to "Hangin Tough." The crowd was on their feet. Everyone was dancing for Face Time. Even me.

MUSE, Vampires and Apollo

2008-09-29T01:31:00.002-05:00

For some reason I have found my thoughts collecting into a blog post. I have been trying to force myself to write my book, with little success. My emotions have been too raw to think about so I have forced myself into reading for distraction, however the distraction has been so damn good that I can think of little else!!

I had heard about this Twilight series a while back, but like everything else, I have to try to be cool and not jump on the band wagon. My curiosity finally got the best of me when it was suggested that I find a non-human distraction. I was sucked in immediately (haha. get it? vampire? sucked?)

What's amazing about these books, is not that they are superbly written or immensely creative - because they are not even very original - but that I am able to channel my emotions through them. Apparently this is a healthy was of dealing with things (as pointed out to my by my amazing sponsor). So I have been letting it all come. It's been a painful trip through the relationship in the books - and when I start to cry, I allow myself the tears. At one point I got so upset that I really had to skip to the end and read the last chapter just to make sure I could make it through the painful 450 pages in between. Don't you wish life was like that? That you could just skip to the end? Reminds me of a Futureheads song...

Today I decided I was going to read the entire second book. But like the first, I had to have the second ready to read immediately. I prepared myself by running out to Sam's Club to get the third book. Only they didn't have it anymore, so I made another trip to Target. That damn store is dangerous to my finances. I came back and got myself situated on the couch. I was only about 85 pages into the 2nd book when I started reading this afternoon. I guess somewhere inside I hope the sooner I go through the books and feel my pain, the sooner I will heal. I'm not quite sure it works that way, but I figured I would give it a go.

Nearly 500 pages is what I've read in the last 12 hours. I think it's a record. I didn't even read Harry Potter straight through like this (although I was purposely savoring the final book - drawing out every line because I didn't want that world to end for me). I read through her acknowledgements at the end of my marathon and was astonished to find a special thank you to the band MUSE. Thinking about it now, though doesn't really surprise me that Stephenie Meyer is a huge MUSE fan. It makes so much sense why I would like her books so much. Apparently she attributes some "emotions, scenes and plot threads" to "their genius." Awesome.

So then I did some thinking. I have always been drawn to vampire stories. I have always been obsessed with vampires, really. I think as far back as I can remember I have been a "vampire goddess" or some form of Gothy vampire for Halloween. Last year I made an exception because I could fit into my renaissance dress again. I wore that costume for Halloween the year it was made for me - 2000. But other than those 2 years, I have been a vampire. While we were at Busch Gardens last night, I realized that I had left my vampire fangs in my wallet. Yeah. That's right. I carry vampire teeth in my wallet at all times. Strange? Definitely. When we dropped Corey off I dug them out to show Jen. She was fascinated that they weren't the normal cheesy vampire teeth - that they were caps that actually looked like fangs. I really need a new pair, but these still do the job. LOL

Then I was thinking again about my obsession with vampires. Trying to pinpoint where it started. I suddenly remembered that my favorite book in 3rd grade was Bunnicula (published in 1979 - my birth year - coincidence??). It was a series about a vampire-bunny that sucked juice out of vegetables. I made my mom order all the books in the series for me through the book club. I haven't pried my memory too much further back yet to see if there's some sort of hidden reasoning for my strange preoccupation. I'll let you know if I come up with anything further, though.

After reading the acknowledgements and the other bands Meyers thanks (Travis, Coldplay, and Brand New among the named), I mentioned to James that it sounded like I needed to be Ms Meyers friend. We must have too much in common. I became more curious and went on an internet search to find out how old she was (she's almost exactly 6 years older than me - our birthdays are 3 days apart). Of course I became distracted by information on the books (and I'm sure I read a couple spoilers but at this point I don't even care anymore). In the small town of Forks, WA where the majority of the story takes place, they celebrate Stephenie Meyer Day - which is September 13th - the birthday of Bella Swan, the main character. September 13th also happens to be my sobriety birthday (yeah, I just had 9 years *grins*). Another strange coincidence?

My digging went a little further and I was reading about a comparison of Edward Cullen to the Greek god Adonis. I remembered that Barbara suggested I re-name my car something positive (rather than after the name of a dead character on LOST). I forgot to mention this... I decided to keep the car previously known as Charlie and in making that decision, I smudged and cleansed the vehicle to rid it of all the negative energy from the last 4 months of bad experiences (and previous who knows how long of terribly ownership). I still hadn't thought of a new name. But as I was reading about Adonis, I thought maybe I could re-name Charlie Adonis - after my new obsession with Edward. Adonis is the god of birth, death and rebirth - but also of vegetation. There were more stories that warned me that this wasn't so fitting a name as I originally thought. So I did a search for other Greek gods and goddesses. I had thought previously about Aphrodite, but she just reminded me of my early rave days. But then I started reading about Apollo. Apollo has been variously recognized as a god of light and the sun; truth and prophecy; medicine and healing; music, poetry, and the arts. I could not wish for a better symbol. So thank you Stephenie Meyer for inadvertently leading me to a new name for my little Civic!

I hope you have enjoyed my hopeless rambling. I'm going to dream of vampires and MUSE concerts!

Howl-O-Scream

2008-09-28T12:40:00.003-05:00

Last night I had more fun than I can remember having in a long time. Up until then, I really had no reason to blog because I didn't want to depress you all with my sap (I've been going through a pretty emotional time).

My friend Corey works at Busch Gardens and friday night offered me a ticket to the Howl-O-Scream preview for saturday night. I asked if he could get another ticket so I could bring someone with me. Lil' Jen was the lucky recipient. Corey joked about how we could be the broken hearts club, since Jen just split with her boyfriend and Corey just got his girl stolen. Anyway, we got there and immediately had a good time. Jen was distracted by every shop we walked by because there were these crazy hats. That seemed to amuse Corey - he mentioned that we are probably the only people on the planet that come to a theme park and go directly to the gift shop.

The park was pretty crowded so the lines were long, but because we had the VIP with us, we were able to go through the exit on a couple rides. I have no idea what the ride was called, but it was the most amazing roller coaster I'd been on (granted, I haven't been on a roller coaster in 7 years)... It dropped straight down after hanging you over the edge at a 90 degree angle facing the ground. It was soooooo awesome. Jen and Corey were both scared before going on, and they commented on how I was so relaxed. When we got off the ride I wanted so badly to just jump back in line and do it again! We got to the area where they have your pictures up from the initial drop. I laughed so hard when I saw Jen's face. (She's going to be so mad that I posted this here, but I think it was such a good time it needs to be shared!) We sat and laughed at the screen for 10 minutes, I swear.

We made it to 2 of the 5 haunted houses. I was pretty disappointed, just because I'm used to going to the most terrifying houses in Wisconsin. We used to drive a couple hours to the best rated haunted houses around. So BG + 10,000 people = not so scary. But that's alright. I've got the whole month of October to find a scary haunted house. Not to mention Universal's version of Howl-O-Scream (which I've heard is actually really frightening).

PS If anyone finds a cute vampire boy, send him my way!

Heartache and Other Things

2008-09-04T03:58:00.002-05:00

First of all, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogging I've let slip by. Don't worry, I've got notes to recapture my trip to Wisconsin, I just haven't quite had the energy to relive it all yet.
That being said, I am blogging at 5am because I don't know what else to do with myself when I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I can't really call anyone right now, and besides, I don't think that would help at the moment anyway.

So have you ever met someone that you just had this instant connection with? Like you just felt as if you knew them? Or you felt extremely comfortable with them? This has happened only twice to me. The first saved my life without ever realizing it. The second has obviously crossed my path to teach me some sort of lesson, of which I've no clue what to do with. Either way, I've been extremely disappointed by both situations in the last month.
While I was back home, I had a number of things to take care of that were less than pleasant. Who actually wants to get together with their ex and fill out divorce paperwork? Not this girl. That whole situation was so uncomfortable I wish I could have avoided it altogether. Divorce fucking sucks. Even if it's for the best. So I wanted to distract myself from that and visit this first good friend of mine. He has always been there for me in the past, and has twice taught me immensely valuable things that have changed my life. Anyway, I had these expectations that things were going to be as they always were. My bad. He is not the same person. He hasn't the capacity to care for others at the moment. His life is consumed by the lifestyle that I left behind nearly 9 years ago. I had no idea it was this bad. I drove 3 hours to see him, only to be told that he was going out to a bar to meet up with a girl. I was crushed. All I wanted was to spend some time with him - so he could make me feel better. That was my first mistake. I cried myself home wondering why it is that I do this to myself. I am constantly trying to relive some moment out of my past that was happy. Are things in my life so fucked that I need to retreat to the past to find glimmers of happiness? Apparently so.
As much as it saddens me that my friend is unable to be there for me (as selfish as that sounds), it also tears me up to see him fall into that mess of alcoholism. All I can do is step back and watch him beat himself into the ground. But what I need to do is let go of the past. Move forward.
This brings me to the second person. He actually said that to me tonight - that everything with James was in the past, I can't change it and I need to move on. I needed to hear that so much. I've been trying to move forward, but I just keep clinging. I think the answer is somewhere in my memories. Like the more I examine every situation in the past 6 years inside my brain, I will eventually come up with a reason for why it all happened. Why I met someone that made me happy, only to not be allowed to be with them (literally - by the government). And after all that bullshit, it all fell apart. I keep running over every aspect in my mind trying to figure out where it went wrong, and how, if at all, I could have done things differently to save it. I should not have left England after we got married. Or, I should have come right back on a different visa. If only we hadn't been separated for 2 years, maybe it would have worked out. blah blah blah. Pointless, because I can't go back and change the past. But I so desperately want to know why I had to go through so much pain for nothing.
One thing I've always told myself is that if something ends, its only because there's something better in store for me. I really can't bring myself to believe it this time. I feel like the only chance I had to be happy with another person has passed, and I failed. So now I'll be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. Really. I'm sure other people have felt this way. But when you're in it, you know nothing anyone says makes you feel any better.
Getting back to the point at hand... I met this boy just before my trip back home. I felt instantly connected. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He's intelligent and thoughtful. He's super cute. He's also young and unstable. And by unstable, I mean a lot less sober than I am. LOL. That's the only way I can put it nicely. But anyway, I just felt so comfortable around him, and we had this amazing time the day before I left. It was like I had something to look forward to in Florida, which is a good thing because it made the bullshit in Wisconsin much more bearable. But as the weeks went by while I was away, it was becoming clear to me that things weren't as rosy with my new friend as they first appeared to be. And the first thing I wanted to do was grasp hold of these shiny new memories of how happy I was before I left - and try to hang on. I find myself trying to talk myself into believing its all good and this is a perfect situation, but it's not. I have no business infringing upon this person's life at the moment. They have a huge amount of change going on. They are dealing with a lot, and still trying to figure out how to live life without alcohol. But of course, my feelings are already roped in and I want to relive that happy memory over and over because it's all I've got at the moment. A glimpse of happiness. Something to show me that it is possible.
Tonight this person basically broke up with me before we had the chance to be a couple. I give him a huge amount of credit for having the balls to do the right thing where I was too weak to even say "hey, this isn't fair to you." But jesus-fucking-christ I don't understand why every time I think I may get something good in my life, it has to disappear right away. I really had this desire to just give to this person. For the first time I can remember, I truly wanted to be selfless - for someone else's happiness. It was a weird thing to experience. He just made me feel that way. But fucking reality is, neither of us has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment. He says he knows himself, and he knows he would break my heart. He said he doesn't want to do that to me. Now, I could argue and fight to get what I want, but I know this is true and I really do want the best for this person (wtf?). But it doesn't hurt any less. It's not any less painful. It's still rejection. And I seem to be bombarded with rejection as of late.

So I had a good fucking cry. Actually, I haven't cried that much since the day I found out James was cheating on me. It was me and my car and Aslan - and I opened myself up to the bowels. It just doesn't seem fair. Life. Nothing seems fair. I had someone say to me the other day that it seemed that I got more than my fair share of shit dealt to me - and none of it was manifested by me. She was like "you know, a lot of people cause their own drama, but yours just happens to you and you're doing all the right things to not cause it." (She was referring to my car drama, and my medication - which I will eventually blog about.) Funny thing is, I can't even seem to get myself into situations where I'm causing my own drama. I mean c'mon. I can't even get a fucking rebound relationship going (is it even a rebound if you've been out of a relationship for 9 months?).
So when do I get to be happy? When will I find someone that cares for me the way I care for them? When will things settle down? It seems like I've been trying to better myself and do good for 9 years now, but I haven't quite reaped what I've sowed. I'm hoping that closing those chapters of my life in Milwaukee will bring some of that contentment that I've been looking for, but you never know.
Trudging the road of happy destiny. Fuck. Such a perfect sentence. My feet are sore. My heart aches. But I keep trudging.

Flashback: Car Troubles

2008-08-21T19:17:00.002-05:00

Since I've got a bit of free time, I thought I would blog some previous happenings from when I was a bit too busy to post.

First off: Charlie. Everyone here in Milwaukee has been commenting - "oh Charlie, you're a nice car, I don't know why she doesn't like you" - well here's the thing... I bought the car with the assumption that I would have the plates and title in a couple weeks (like you tend to assume when you buy a car off a lot). First to go wrong was that I got towed (which you already heard about, including the spitting gypsy session). I couldn't get my car back right away because I didn't have the title.
Then I got pulled over because the registration was about to expire. The cops wanted to make sure that it wasn't stolen. Fair enough.
The weekend that Nick and Jason visited was the last straw, though. I got pulled over on the way to get new tires (yeah, Charlie had dry-rotted tires that had to be filled daily). The cop threatened to have me arrested and my car impounded because I was technically driving an illegal vehicle. I explained to him the situation and that I was waiting on the people that sold me the car to get me the title and send the registration in. I had called numerous times to get a new temp plate. So I end up with a $95 ticket and a new urgency to get the car situated.
I got the tires ($400 later), and the news that two of the studs were broken and they couldn't put the tires back on without them. Well, since I had been driving on the broken studs since getting the car, I figured another couple days wouldn't hurt. In the meantime, I was able to catch a glimpse of the undercarriage of my newly purchased vehicle. It's rusted to shit. I was sold a car that's already half fallen apart. The muffler is rusted straight through (which makes it sound like a race car - which Aimee likes), the rotors and calipers are rusted as well as the front end suspension. It's a mess. Then I got a real look at the rust in the body. Charlie was recently painted. The rust was not taken care of properly. The guy that was doing the tires started shaking his head at what a bad deal I got. On top of all that, I have still not managed to average more than 25 mpg on a CIVIC! It should at least get 30. There is seriously something wrong.

So anyway, to sum things up: I still haven't got the title to my car or my plates. I've had the car for almost 4 months. Apparently there is a lien on the title in New York. Either way, I have to have it taken care of by the 27th or they can put me in jail - for something that's completely out of my control! WTF.
It was my cousin's brother-in-law that sold me the car. I'm really disappointed in the whole situation and especially in getting a hold of anyone since. I mean, I don't feel I'm in the wrong by persistently contacting him to get it taken care of when I could go to jail at at moment. Fuck.
So keep your fingers crossed for my trip back to Florida next week. I don't want to end up a jailbird!

My Teeth Suck

2008-08-18T18:29:00.002-05:00

Just before I left for Wisconsin, I noticed that I had a sore bump developing on the gum surrounding one of my failed root canals. I had lost the crown a couple years ago, and haven't been able to come up with the money to replace it. The tooth itself felt a little funny. I mean, I didn't actually feel anything in the tooth because there are no nerves, but my gums felts different. On the road trip, the bump quickly formed into an abscess. I got to Wisconsin and had a scolding from Shana and my mom about taking care of it (because the infection can spread to your brain and kill you). After freaking out for a bit, I went to the Walgreens on Brady because it now has a walk-in clinic. They gave me antibiotics and told me to get it taken care of immediately.
I don't have insurance. I don't have a dentist, and my family doctor quit about 6 months ago. I became quite worried about how I was going to fix this. I called a couple people that know good dentists or work for them. Within an hour Elise called me back to tell me that her dentist offered to pull the tooth for no charge. Done.
Now here's where I start to really feel shitty. All my life I've had horrible teeth. I brush them way more than most people I know. I carry floss and toothpicks around with me. I'm the dork that goes to the bathroom to floss my teeth after I finish a meal at a restaurant. Then why, dear god, does my mouth look like that of a 65 year old?? One dentist told me that it was because my saliva doesn't produce the antibodies that naturally fight the bacteria in our mouths. Hmm. This sounds like genetics to me. Five minutes later he told me I wouldn't have such bad teeth if I came to the dentist more often. Sorry if I missed 2 years of cleanings because I had no insurance and made minimum freaking wage!
So I've had a great deal of shame surrounding my teeth. I've been shamed by professionals. Shamed by friends and family (this might be in my head). One of my greatest fears has been losing a tooth. This would prove to everyone that I was in fact a failure - I failed to be able to take care of my mouth. I can just see my last dentist rubbing it in my face "I told you so! If you didn't get that crown replaced you would lose the tooth." How awful.
Anyway, I went to Elise's dentist today and he said I had the option of having a re-treatment done on the root canal but that would run me about $1000, or he would extract it right there for free. I weighed the options. I don't even have $1000 left on my credit card. Extraction it is. After taking what seemed like forever to get my mouth numb, he began digging. I'm not going to go into detail, but I can tell you it was the most traumatic mouth experience I've ever had. I once woke up in the middle of having my wisdom teeth surgically removed - the dentist was standing with a leg up on the chair and crunching bits of teeth out of my mouth. It was only a second that I was aware, and then went back under. This was like that, only it lasted a full five minutes. The tooth didn't want to come out.
When the ordeal was over, he said that I had made a good decision. The tooth had been cracked vertically down the root. This was the reason it was so difficult to extract the tooth. He said no amount of money could have saved it. No re-treatment would have made the tooth better. I saved myself $1000 by having it pulled. I now need to formulate a plan to save up a ton of money to have either an implant or bridge. grrrrr
Unfortunately, as I sit here I have to keep taking breaks to cry. The anesthetic is wearing off and I'm in a buttload of pain. He had prescribed me viccodin and ibuprofen 800, but I didn't fill the viccodin. I've never used narcotics for pain reasons, and I don't want to start now. However, I know why they prescribe them! All I can think of is how I want the pain to stop. It's like tooth pain - and when a tooth hurts so badly all you want is for it to be out of your mouth. Well, it's out of my mouth and now painful (I had no pain before pulling it)... I hope this doesn't last long. At least for the time being I've got Sean's PS2 and Guitar Hero to keep me occupied while resting.

Driving is Fun

2008-08-14T15:40:00.005-05:00

The second half of my trip took a ridiculous amount of time for some reason. I arrived in Milwaukee at 9:30 last night. I had been driving since 7:30am EST. 15 hours is a long drive. That is definitely a personal record for me.

Anyway, it's a good thing I spotted that lucky mullet yesterday morning. I think he put me in a fantabulous mood to begin the day (not to mention the beautiful weather, and equally beautiful drive through the mountains). I was truckin' along in Tennessee just the other side of the mountains when I came over a hill and saw a state trooper. There were two of us driving exactly the same speed. We both pulled into the slower lane behind a semi and I watched the squad in my rear view mirror pull out onto the freeway. The semi was going 60, so I decided to move around him, knowing full well that this would make me the one to get stopped. Sure enough, he flipped on his cherries as soon as I was in the left lane.

I pulled to the side of the road, grabbed my license and insurance card, and the little piece of paper that says I've applied for my plates (since I STILL don't have the title to my car or registration). He walked up to my window and stated point blank that I was going 82 in a 70. I handed him my stuff and he looked confused at the lack of registration. I told him the person that sold me the car hadn't cleared up the title yet and I was waiting on it. He then assumed the temp tag was the other person's, and I said no it was mine. He then looked at my license and asked if I still lived at the address in Tampa. I said, yes, I just moved there. He then asked me where I was headed - and I said I was going back home to Wisconsin to get the rest of my stuff from home. He glanced into the back of my car and asked if I was picking up a trailer, to which I replied no. He chuckled and asked why I was bringing so much back with me, and I told him I was going for 3 weeks. He laughed again and said he didn't think I could fit anything in there to bring back with me. I told him I was coming to get my bass and bass amp, and my pet rats - all things that I couldn't fly back with me. He nodded and said he would be right back.

I thought for sure I was going to have to pay bail immediately and I was wondering how much was available on my credit card as I slathered sunscreen on my shoulders to keep from toasting in the sun. He returned fairly quickly and handed my stuff back to me, along with a small piece of paper that he explained as a warning ticket. He then told me that everyone he pulls over, he walks his dog round to check for 4 substances and said this was my one and only chance to admit to anything before he did so. I said to go ahead and then watched this adorable black lab sniff around my car. He came around the driver's side and just said "have a nice trip back" as he headed back to his squad. HOW CRAZY IS THAT???

I've NEVER got out of a ticket that I completely deserved. He didn't even give me the "slow down" speech that most cops hand out along with their fines. I just couldn't believe it. So thank you, random Tennessee state patrolman for being ultra human and letting me off (even though I didn't do anything to deserve such a break). For the record, I did slow down until I got to Chicago. Then I drove like everyone else.

I was on the phone with Amy when I crossed into Wisconsin. It was a weird feeling. Driving through Chicago was a weird feeling too. Driving in general from Florida to Wisconsin makes me realize how far I actually live from everyone here. Seriously. So I called my brother when I got close to Milwaukee to find out where he was at so I could pick up his gas mask (hey - I really want to play Guitar Hero and go to the Milwaukee Group, but the smoke is just too much for me!). He told me to meet him at my grandparent's new place. So I went to The Regency on College Ave to see where my grandparent's now reside with other seniors. The apartment is huge, and very clean. My grandpa joked about how he was the oldest person living in the complex since the 92 year old woman died a couple weeks ago. I reminded him that even a couple weeks ago he was the oldest person there, because he's 94. Silly head.

My brother and aunt both said I looked tan as soon as I saw them. I still don't think so. I have a base tan. That's about it. But I don't look like a Florida beach bunny or anything. At least not yet. Give me this weekend and I will - camping at Green Lake.

Troy of course forgot the gas mask, so I had to stop by his house next. That was really bizarre. He recently purchased my grandparent's house (I know, my LITTLE BROTHER owns a freaking house). It's a complete mess in there. He's got such a HUGE project on his hands. I keep telling him to talk to Katherine or David or Debbie since they have all flipped houses (and with a relatively small budget) but he said "I want it done right" - that stubborn little shit. He doesn't believe you can do things right for cheap. I offered. Oh well.

Apparently there were all sorts of needles and shit all over the house from when my cousin lived with them. He said he found Pat's rig and Lynn found a stash of his heroin. There were blood and puke stains on the floor and walls. When he washed the walls in the back bedroom, the water came out black. That house needs to be gutted and rebuilt. The floors need to be retiled and carpeted. The woodwork is destroyed. The window frames are all rotted. It's a nightmare. But knowing my crazy brother, he will obsess and run himself completely ragged until it's finished and exactly the way he likes it. So if anyone in the Milwaukee area has some free time and wants to lend a hand, get a hold of me and I'll give you Troy's number! LOL

That's about all for now. I am getting ready to see my babies and give James his belated birthday present. I can't wait to cuddle with Poopy and Gir! :)

God Bless the South

2008-08-13T10:04:00.005-05:00

I'm back on the road. I'm currently stealing some internet service from a Holiday Inn Express somewhere in Tennessee. I'm such a geek - I've got my laptop plugged into my lighter with my car running because otherwise my computer would be dead - but this is just too good to wait to post!

So I tried to sleep in Charlie last night (the new car). It was miserable!! Stupid Civic. Man I miss Smurfette. If only I had the freaking title to this car I would be driving my dad's Escort back to Florida. But no. No title. Still. It's been 3 months. Seriously.

Anyway, so I woke up at 7ish after a brief nap and surveyed my surroundings. One of the first things I saw (I shit you not) was almost like a caricature of a stereotypical southern redneck. This trucker, and he was the epitome of truckers, had the sweetest mullet ever - a gray shirt with an American flag screen printed on the front and the arms cut off (you know the kind: where the arm holes are way too big because you know the shirt wasn't meant to be a tank). Not only that, but he had CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS that were just a little too short. To top it all off, the guy was sporting a handlebar mustache. I seriously was laughing hysterically in my car. This guy parked a couple spots down from me was watching me and scratching his head. I nearly peed myself laughing. It was the BEST thing to wake up to - a full bellied hearty laugh.

It's beautiful right now. I was cold last night. I haven't felt 70 in over 3 months. It's probably around 75 right now and it feels amazing! I'm so surprised at how quickly I got used to the Florida heat, and started to think that 83 felt comfortable. Oh well.
The drive through the mountain pass was awesome. Charlie does handle the climb better than Smurfette did. That still doesn't make me proud of him. He's totally like that unwanted step-brother. Something I didn't ask for, but I got anyway - and have to try to love. BOOO!!!

Okay, I have to get back on the road if I want to make it to Wisconsin tonight still. I won't be updating until I get there - just so I focus on driving. :)

PS People in the south need to go back to school and learn grammar ("A Antique Mall")

I Tried to Do the Right Thing

2008-08-04T22:43:00.002-05:00

Today I put in my written letter of resignation at Vinyl Fever. I have been offered more freelance work, and I'm not about to turn down that kind of money.
Plus, I am REALLY sick of working retail. I'm tired of working hard and stressing myself out needlessly for a job that I will go nowhere in. It was great that things worked out so perfectly when I arrived here, but I think I was given the exact same situation as I had in Milwaukee to solidify my feelings toward retail work. I needed reminding that there's something better out there for me. I didn't go to college to work for a little bit above minimum wage. I may not know what I want to be doing with my life, but I am aware that this is NOT where I'd like to stay.
Anyway, I have been talking with various people about the situation over the past few days (weeks?) and was given the suggestion to write a kind letter and setting a firm date for my last shift. I did so.
I thanked my boss for the job opportunity. I extended my gratitude for how he willingly tried to work with my schedule. I apologized for my indecisive behavior and admitted that it was an inconvenience and trouble to him. I offered to continue lending my web mastering services to him. I put this all down on paper, handwritten for sincerity, and left the envelope on his desk when I get to work.
I then began the waiting game. I was fending off anxiety because I didn't know what his reaction would be. There was nothing. He came out of the office to do a buyback and didn't say a word to me. This made me nervous. I thought of how uncomfortable it would be to spend two weeks at a job where your boss goes out of his way to ignore. eek.
When it was time for my lunch break, I headed to the back room and was cornered by my boss. He asked to speak to me. The second we got into the back, he said "you know, I think it would be best if we just ended this now. I'd like your keys back." My jaw must have dropped. He then asked for the things I was selling on eBay. We had an arrangement that I would get a turntable if I sold a few items for him. I already had them listed, so he asked if I could take the auctions down and just bring the stuff in. He then said he would keep me on the clock until I got back with the items and the turntable. DAMN!
There was no fucking around! I went home to collect the things, as well as the DVDs I had borrowed from the used section, and headed back to Vinyl Fever. Jesse came to let me in the back door and asked me what happened. I told him that I was let go after handing in my two weeks notice; that Lee just wanted me to leave. He said it was odd that I walked out of the store without saying anything, and then Lee asked him to stay until 8.
So that was that. I tried to do the right thing by actually giving notice, and making sure I was kind and as helpful as one can be in leaving a place of employment, but got fired anyway. I don't even know if that means I was fired?? I mean, I did hand in my notice - so that means I quit, right? I don't understand how that works. Whatever. I don't work there anymore. And I'm totally okay with that.

As far as other things go, it's a good thing he sent me home right away, because I found out Green Lake Round Up is actually the 15th-17th. I had thought it was the 22nd-24th. So I would have shown up there a week late with none of my friends. Now I can actually make it. I will be leaving for Wisconsin next week some time. This will be my first adventure with Charlie. I need to get the studs fixed before I go (oh yeah, you guys don't know the Charlie troubles yet because I haven't blogged them. Don't worry, you will)...
I'm thinking of driving a bit west first, just so I can go to Louisiana and mark off the last of the continental US states on my list. We shall see.

For My Dad (and D&M)

2008-07-31T23:05:00.003-05:00

My dad commented on my last blog that I have been sporadic in my postings since starting my job. True. I really do have a list in my notebook of blog topics that I have to write if I ever have the time. I should be getting to bed right now, but I thought I would try to give the guys at D&M something to read first. Don't worry, I have taken more freelance work over the next few months so I can step away from the record store. I really want to get out of retail. I'm so tired of it! The freelance work pays enough that I will only have to work (x) amount of days a month - which leaves the rest of the time to focus on my writing (since I've got all my material in a box for my book - but no words on paper).

Anyhow... I have always been curious about the armadillo. Yes, I said armadillo. I've never seen one before. I had always assumed I would have seen one on my travels, but that's not the case. Anyway, I was driving back from Orlando a couple weeks ago and I was on the phone with Shana. Out of nowhere, an armadillo crawled onto the road. I shouted "ARMADILLO!!!" in the middle of my sentence. I looked into the rear view mirror to verify it was the strange armored creature, and just as I was telling Shana I had never seen an armadillo before, the car behind me ran it over! So the poor little thing was roadkill. I've never been so excited and so disappointed in the same breath before. Oh well. Hopefully I'll see more of them in this bizarre state. I'm still waiting on seeing a live gator. I've been told that's not something I should hope to see, though. Meh.

On a lighter note, there is apparently something called an 'armadildo.' I would post a picture, but I'll save the fun for your imagination. Until next time...

NYC, Philly & LA

2008-07-27T14:09:00.003-05:00

Hey guys. My friend James (Nipples to those of you that know him) is living in Amsterdam at the moment and is absolutely obsessed with Nike's. there is a particular shoe that is being launched in August that he is trying to get his hands on. They are only releasing them at 3 stores, in 3 separate cities. The info is below. If you think you can help him out, please email me. I'm sure he'll compensate you for your trouble. Thanks alot!!
v

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As some of you might have heard already, the next chapter of the Nike 1World project will be launched very soon. After previously working with Busy P from Edbanger Records, Kaws and others, ?uestlove (Questlove) from The Roots is the next to collaborate on an Air Force 1.

The Air Questo out of this collaboration will first be released at the Alife Rivington Club on August 1st. Not only will the show be released, but Questlove will be there in person and will be performing.

Alife Rivington Club
158 Rivington St
New York, NY 10002

On the 5th there will be a launch event at Ubiq in Philapelphia, again with Questlove performance.

UBIQ Walnut Street
1509 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19102

Last but not least, the West Coast will also get a release of the Air Questo on the 6th of August. The Montalban in Hollywood will be hosting it, again with Questlove in attendance.

THE MONTALBÁN
1615 Vine St.

Hollywood, CA 90028

Broken Phone

2008-07-22T22:56:00.000-05:00

My phone broke today. I didn't drop it. I didn't get it wet. It wasn't too hot or too cold. It just stopped working. The unfortunate thing about this phone is that the only way I could use personalized ringtones was if I kept the numbers on the phone instead of the sim card. So I have lost everyone's numbers with the demise of this crap phone.

PLEASE text me with who you are so I can save your number to my sim card (which is in my old broken phone that still is able to make calls)... or email me with it. Either way, I need your number. Sucky.
414.241.1004

Radio Ga Ga

2008-07-13T21:34:00.002-05:00

I know it's been too long since I've written. Trust me, I've been busy!
I have a stack of ideas for little blogs, but haven't had the time to actually write them.

I just got an email from my friend Jacek. The local volunteer radio station here has a Monday slot open (1am-4am yikes!) - WMNF is very similar to WMSE. I haven't actually listened to it at all because Charlie (my new car) doesn't have a radio antenna. However, I've heard Jacek's polka show is a hit!

This is the content of the email he sent me:
"WMNF has a programing opening for Monday night/Tuesday morning 1-4 am starting in August. This is an open format meaning any format or non-format will be considered, including proposals that push or experiment with the use of the radio medium. Applicant should have some experience preferably with WMNF. Demo show necessary if I am not familiar with your programing.

"These are difficult hours for most people so do not apply if you cannot deal with being up in the middle of the night. Good things about the time are that the format is wide open: it's a three hour show (the longest show on WMNF) ; no expectations for newscasts or other distruptions; there are small fundraising expectations. It's an opportunity to create the show you envision without a lot of pressure.

"If you wish to apply, convince me with why you are the best person to do it, what would you do, who would listen. Written statement of interest required. Deadline: 5pm Monday 7/28/08."
Check out WMNF's website HERE

So, good readers, I ask you - do you have any format suggestions??
Of course I want to play buzzworthy bands and new indie rock (mostly from the UK). But 3 hours is a long time. What would you fill the airwaves with? Let me know!

R.I.P. Smurfette

2008-06-28T22:22:00.006-05:00

I have not blogged for a while because I have been avoiding this blog. If I write about Smurfette, then it's for real - she's gone. Even though in reality she already is gone, I keep putting off the thought. It's like someone who refuses to believe that Elvis is really dead. LOL

I was jotting down some memories I had of my beloved car the other night and realized that I spent more time with my car than I did with my husband. I bought Smurfette just 2 weeks after I got back from England after we got married. She became my best friend. I saw her every day. I didn't see James for the majority of the first 2 years. Shana was on the phone with me when I stopped by the lot to say goodbye to Smurfette. She commented on the fact that she spent more miles in that car than any other - and she wasn't the one driving! Now imagine how many I spent in that car... No wonder I feel so attached to it. My cars always become an extension of me in some way. I don't quite understand it, but I start to believe they have feelings and personalities just like any of my friends. She really did feel like a comfortable, familiar close friend. I know most of you are thinking I've completely lost it, but I don't care. Good for you for not getting attached to your vehicles. I can't help it.

So not only did I put nearly 100,000 miles on this car in a little over 4 years, but between my dad, brother and I, we probably replaced everything on the car at least once and paid for it a dozen times over. That's the other bad thing about being attached to a car - you never know when to stop fixing it. I wish my brother was around so he could fix it now. Really. I would rather have Smurfette back with no air conditioning, than drive Charlie (that's what I named the new car, by the way). He's just not the same.

Back to the memories. So here are a bunch of them, in no particular order:
Before I bought a new battery, she used to die all over the place - and it most often happened at the post office near the airport. This one time it was sleeting and nasty and this woman helped give me a jump. The battery was so disgusting and junked up with leaking battery acid that we had to scrape it clean with this metal brush she just happened to have in her car. She gave me the tool and said I probably needed it more than her. The kindness of strangers :)

I lived on Meinecke and Humboldt for a while in Milwaukee. It was awesome because I had a garage spot. During the winter it rocked pretty hard because I didn't have to scrape my car off. One night it was snowing terribly and I had been at the Alano Club on Prospect Ave. My friend Becky wanted to venture out in the storm and go to Denny's. She had a 4-wheel drive truck, so we braved the unplowed roads and went to eat crap food. By the time we got back to the east side, it had snowed 12 inches and they still hadn't plowed. We had to dig Smurfette out of the parking lot and then attempt to drive to my apartment in Riverwest. There were a number of times where she had to push me because that little car had absolutely no traction or weight in the snow. After 40 minutes we finally made it to my block, only to discover that no one had plowed the alley to my garage yet. Becky had to push me all the way to the garage - and this is how I got the hole in my rear bumper. At one point, I remember just getting out of my car and laying in the snow because I was already soaking wet from getting out and trying to push it. Man I'm so glad I don't live in Wisconsin any more!

The one and only time I stole CDs from the Exclusive Company I got a lesson in instant Karma. I took 2 CDs - System of a Down "Toxicity" and Lords of Acid "Voodoo U" - I was replacing CDs that had been stolen from me. ironic. Anyway, I drove straight to Shana's house from work to help her set up her new laptop. It was broad daylight and I was only inside for 20 minutes. I came back to my car to find that someone had broke in and stolen my stereo. I got the point and returned the CDs I took the very next day.

I used to have a bunch of political bumper stickers on Smurfette. 3 days after my stereo was stolen, I was parked in front of my friend Debbie's house in West Allis. Again, it was broad daylight, and someone smashed my window in. They didn't take anything, just busted my window. My dad fixed it with a window from a junkyard, but when he fixed it, he took off all the political stickers because he insisted it was some crazy republican that smashed my window because they didn't like my blatant liberal propaganda.
I replaced all the stickers with band stickers. I liked that much better anyway.

Another time I broke down at the post office my friend Jonathan came all the way to the south side to give me a jump. It was the alternator that time, and it kept dying every 2 blocks. I finally just threw it in neutral and let him push me back to my grandmother's house. I'm pretty sure it was raining that time too. And Jonathan was about as gentle with the pushing as Becky was in the snow.

Danelle and I once drove up to Crivitz to go camping. I don't remember why we ended up in a hotel instead, but we had fun driving. I think we explored a lot of central Wisconsin that weekend as well.

Speaking of Danelle, I remember driving to Chicago on her birthday to see the Kaiser Chiefs. We were listening to Travis and when "Why Does it Always Rain on Me" started to play, it seriously started raining. It stopped shortly after the song was finished.

Another time I was driving on 894 and it was raining. "Yellow" was playing on the radio and my wiper blades kept time perfectly with the song. It was the only time that ever happened. I have tried it many times since, even with the same song, and could never get it to work again.

Smurfette was always with me as I picked James up from the airport. She was also there every time I had to take him there to go back to England. She saw a lot of my tears.

One time I picked James up and we went on a mini road trip. Well, it was a pretty major road trip considering I was the only one driving. We first went to Indianapolis. The only reason we stopped there was because I was exhausted from driving. The next day we drove to Louisville to see MUSE. We left and drove most of the night to Kansas City to see them there the following day. We stopped at a crappy roadside motel so James could experience that bit of Americana that for some reason was appealing to him. Ick. When we got to the Uptown Theatre in KC, I parked in front of this restaurant called Chubby's. We were at the venue quite early, and while we were standing in line to get it, I decided to put my hoodie in the car. As I walked up the street, I saw 4 guys pointing at Smurfette before they went into Chubby's. My heart started pounding as I was almost immediately certain those 4 men were MUSE and their manager. I tossed my hoodie in the back of my car and darted into the restaurant to use the bathroom. Sure enough, it was them. I tried to ready myself in the bathroom but had come down with the worst case of cottonmouth a non-smoker ever had! I stumbled out to their booth to stammer my "I Love You" and "You're my favorite band" and then ran back to get James and bring him to meet them. Matt Bellamy winked at me. Tom Kirk (their manager) recognized James from his flight. Then Matt randomly asked if James skateboarded. So weird. But I was able to settle my imploding heart by meeting my favorite band in the whole world - and it was all because they were pointing at the MUSE stickers on Smurfette.

Theresa and I drove to Minneapolis to see MUSE at the State Theatre. I had scored 2nd row orchestra pit tickets on eBay and drove the whole 6 hours straight there (since Theresa doesn't drive). Smurfette's air conditioning had just broke, and it was seriously 85 degrees the whole way there. It was an amazing show - and they played Assassin, my favorite song on BH&R. After the show was done, the security guard let me stay there to try to get a set list. The drum tech walked directly to me, and handed me one of Dom's drumsticks. I could have died! I got a DOMstick! I think I carried it around for 3 days. The drive back was so much fun, even if we didn't get home until 6am.

Later that day (after I slept for 2 or 3 hours), Shana, James and I drove down to see MUSE in Chicago. I can't remember if I drove or not now. Probably not, so this story doesn't belong in this blog!

Another time we drove to see MUSE was all the way down in Tinley Park at the Tweeter Center. It was the Curiosa Festival and Shana had bought us tickets for some special reason. It was a horrendous drive with terrible construction traffic. We got there and found out that Chris broke his wrist earlier that day and MUSE were not playing. I sat down and cried. I didn't care about the Cure. I drove 3 1/2 hours to see MUSE! Dammit. We nicked one of the signs that said "MUSE will not be performing due to injury" and Tom Kirk took a picture of Shana and I holding it. It's still on their website.

Shana and I drove to Chicago to see MUSE at the Riviera Theatre. That was the first time we saw them. I don't think Smurfette's CD player had anything but MUSE in it for 2 weeks before and after that show.

Shana and I drove to Denver to see MUSE at Red Rocks Amphitheater. That was a grueling trip for Shana. It energized me. It was the first time Smurfette had been in the mountains and she did awesome. We picked Amy up from the airport there and the 3 of us drove up to the most godly venue ever. Denver was eerily full of nice people. It was sorta like the Twilight Zone. On the way back from Denver, I treated Smurfette to new windshield wipers. She totally deserved them.

I was a Jimmy John's delivery driver for a brief time the first year I was back from England. That was awesome. Driving a small manual transmission car around downtown Milwaukee was super fun. I made tons of money in tips, but every single shift I worked I acquired a parking ticket. It sorta zeroed everything out. The best part was that I was the only female driver and all the guys were impressed because none of them had manual transmissions. So apparently that made me even cooler. :D

I finally broke down and got car insurance in March of 2005. The reason: I had to pick up Panic! at the Disco from the Rave and drive them to the Exclusive Company. It was the first time I cleaned Smurfette inside and out since purchasing her a year earlier. I had that band of cute little boys squeezed into the little Ford Escort. A million little girls would have killed to be me.
Smurfette has also chauffeured members of Reel Big Fish and Suburban Legends.

In the middle of moving one of the many many times from the south side to the east side or Riverwest, I broke the little trunk divider on the hatch. I'm glad I did because I then discovered that I could sleep in the car easier without that there. I first slept in the car at Green Lake a couple years ago. One bad thing about sleeping in the car in August is that a car doesn't keep out allergens as well as a house. BOO!

Once I figured out that sleeping in Smurfette was sometimes more comfortable than sleeping in my bed, I realized it would be easier to take a solo road trip and not have to pay for a hotel. The first time I tried it was last December coming down to Florida. It was an amazing trip and she was so good to me. She handled the mountains wonderfully. I was a mile away from my destination and I was on the phone with Melanie when she asked how my car was. I literally said "this car is amazing. she hasn't given me any problems" when the accelerator pinned and the car died. Luckily Jacek checked it out and the throttle cable needed some WD40. Phew!

I drove to Chicago by myself one night to see Mew play at the Metro. It was a completely spiritual experience and I left the show as soon as they finished to find the most torrential downpour I had ever seen. I was driving the LSD and I couldn't go more than 15 mph because it was raining so hard, mixed with hail. I was terrified that my windshield would shatter (I had a crack that started 2 months after I got the car - thanks to a semi and a rock). On the way back to Milwaukee I-94 was flooded in 3 different spots. People were pulled over and stalled all over the road. But Smurfette was never afraid of water.

This winter pummeled Smurfette. The roads in Milwaukee were so terrible for so long, and there was so much salt everywhere that she really didn't have much of a chance. From November until January I had to have both tie rods replaced, the entire exhaust system (because it rusted straight through), both wheel bearings, and the crack in the windshield finally reached the other side because of the wild below zero temps mixed with random 40 degree days. One of the crazy snow storms dumped 18 inches on us in one day. I was staying with my friend Theresa on Oakland and Newberry at that time and the city of Milwaukee had plowed the snow into the middle of the boulevard. Stop signs were nearly covered up. I was driving cautiously when a kid ran a stop sign (that was hidden in snow) and hit my bumper. I was supposed to leave on my epic journey the very next day. That set my road trip back a week or so. That's when Smurfette acquired a maroon front bumper. I really wanted to get a white one so she could have a white smurf hat. Oh well. Once I made my way across the northeast I found out the rest of the under body had completely rusted. I had to have both trailing links replaced because the rear wheels were about to fall off. All the parts connected to my gas tank also rusted and caused a wonderful leak. Once those things were repaired I was on my way again, only to get to Florida and have more things fall apart :(

The guys at Midas on 27th Street (near Layton) probably have 1/3 less business since I've not been around! Sean and his employees were always so nice to me. They cut me a couple deals. Go see them if you need work done in the Milwaukee area.

Another road trip I almost forgot about: Shana and I drove to Detroit to see Editors. That should have only been a 6 hour drive, but it took more than 10 either way. We got stuck in traffic in the middle of nowhere in Michigan for an hour. Stopped dead. The guy behind us rear-ended us at one point. He got out of the car and apologized saying that his foot slipped off the break and he didn't mean to. Then we had to sit there and say shitty things about him in my rear-view mirror for another half hour before traffic started to move again. We had an amazing heart-to-heart in that traffic.

On this most recent adventure, Smurfette and I really bonded. She was all I had in between visits with friends. The first week of my adventure I depended on the familiarity of my car to keep me sane. We went to some amazing places... Akron to Dr Bob's house, Niagara Falls, NYC, Boston (I still think she's mad at me for that one), DC, the Blue Ridge Parkway, the ocean, Kerouac's grave... so many special things. I really gave her a last hurrah. I'll miss my little car so much. Every time I come out of a store, I instinctively look for that bright electric blue. But now I find a dull grey - and often can't figure out where it is that I parked because Charlie looks like everyone else's car. *le sigh*

In the 4 years that Smurfette and I spent together we made it to 30 of the 50 states. The best gas mileage we ever logged was 43 mpg in Iowa on the way back from Red Rocks (Shana drove like a grandma to beat my previous record of 39 mpg).
So thank you, Smurfette, for keeping me safe in Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota, Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, Kansas, Iowa, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Nebraska, Colorado, Ohio, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia. I'll miss you terribly.

They Say the Parking Lots are Run by the Mafia

2008-06-20T13:07:00.002-05:00

Alright, so here's the deal. I missed out on buying Eddie Izzard tickets because they were already sold out before I moved to Tampa. So I had been periodically checking CL and eBay for tickets. Sunday evening someone listed a single ticket on eBay for Wednesday's show. I emailed him through eBay begging for him to sell it to me with a Buy-it-Now price. How I got so damn lucky (or unlucky?), I'll never know. He emailed back and told me I seemed cool and he would sell the ticket to me at face value. Hot damn! I was ecstatic - finally - Eddie Izzard live! Brian (that's his name, duh) later told me he had looked at my eBay profile and saw that I liked BlackBooks and that's what sold him on selling me the ticket. Thank god I was bored that one day that I filled out my eBay profile (who actually does that??)!

So anyhow, we decide to meet up at the show and I drove around looking for parking for a while. Finally I saw a sign that said "All Day $3.25" There were a dozen other people already parked there. It was a lot with a pay machine where you display your receipt in the windshield. The machine took my credit card and charge me $4 (lying sign) to park. I put the receipt in my windshield and went to the show.

Eddie was hilarious, just like I expected. My throat was raw and I almost lost my voice from laughing out loud. I told Brian I couldn't stick around to try to meet the Izz because I was exhausted after working so much lately. He said he wanted to be a gentleman and walk me to my car. I thought that was nice enough, and we walked and talked on the way to the lot where I parked. As we were approaching, I commented that it was crazy that everyone left so quickly - that the lot was nearly empty. And then I realized with horror that the lot was empty. There was a security guard that was letting people know where their cars were towed to (3 blocks down the street). He didn't work for the lot or the tow truck company, but was just trying to help people out. He walked over and showed me the sign that had in very small print with no lighting "No Parking After 8pm With or Without a Receipt." GRRRRRRRR

We got to the tow company and I was ready to rip someone's head off. They wanted $169 cash to get my car back. Exact cash. They wouldn't give change. They wouldn't take a check. No credit cards. Even if they had taken those things, I still didn't have the money. I nearly threw a fit but held my tongue and asked for the company's information. I then called the police. They told me to ask for the name of who authorized the tow, and whether or not they have a contract with the towing company. She then told me to keep all my receipts and take them to court.

Thank you, Brian, for walking with me and keeping me from strangling someone. He actually told me to not worry about paying him for the ticket - which is super kind of him, but I just can't accept that. I told him I would pay him when I had money - and he said sure but I should just drop the pride and let him help me out. haha!

Mel picked me up and stopped at an ATM to get me $10 so I could take a cab to work the following day. I then called my dad and asked for (even more) money. He was able to get the money to me in the morning and I woke Amanda up and asked for a ride downtown. She dropped me off and they let me in and walked me to Charlie (who I'm sure was pissed off that I left him overnight with a bunch of slimeballs). Once we got to the car, the guy asked to see my registration. WROOPS! No registration because the state of Florida hasn't mailed it to me yet!! The guy then turned into a total smug prick. He started mocking me. He was scoffing at my questions. He was insulting my intelligence. Another guy came over and said "where's your plate transfer?" and I said I didn't have one. He then got all patronizing and asked "well what were you driving before?" and I then lost my shit. I am not proud to say I shouted some pretty ridiculous things at these two high school dropouts. Of course I didn't have a plate transfer because I just moved here from Wisconsin, you fuck bag. How could I possibly transfer Wisconsin plates in Florida? How on earth am I supposed to have the title if the dealership hadn't sent it in yet? So frustrating, and absolutely helpless.

I called Amanda to pick me back up and as she was asking why, one of the guys made some shitty remark toward me and I went off on a rant again. As I grabbed my keys and license back from the guy, I turned and spit on the ground near their feet. Melanie laughed when I told her this - something about the gypsy coming out in me, and how European that was - but it was better than clocking him in the jaw.

Amanda took me back to my place where I dug out a receipt with the VIN number and my name on it, so I could prove it was my vehicle and then we drove all the way back downtown. I walked up sheepishly and began to apologize to the guys for unloading on them when a third walked up on the telephone saying "yeah, I see her. she looks like a real...." and then interrupted me to say "if you do anything out of line I have no problem calling the police and having them arrest you right now. See these cameras? I have on film that you spit on my employees. I could have you arrested for battery right now." and then I said I was just trying to apologize, to which he replied "I don't give a shit about what you have to say. You give him your keys and then act like a lady" -- this angered me more than anything else that was said the whole day and previous evening. But this time I bit my tongue and didn't say another word until I was off the lot. Fuck. What a horrid day. I'm totally hormonal and emotional and a complete psychotic mess, but at least I have my car back.

Woah

2008-06-18T23:29:00.002-05:00

This is going to be brief.

I'm not dead.
I've been extremely busy. I've been working my ass off and have been running around like a crazy person. Numerous other things factor into me not blogging for a while.
But I promised my friend Jason that I would blog within 24 hours of his text message. So I'm following through on my promise.

I went to see Eddie Izzard tonight at the Tampa Theatre. Finding a ticket is blogworthy in and of itself, so I will eventually fill you in on the details (it involves eBay and an incredibly kind stranger).

The show was amazing. My throat hurts because I was laughing so hard. However, once the show was over and we were walking back to my car, we were informed that the lot I was parked in had been towed. The entire lot. A scam. I paid electronically at a box with my credit card, but written in small letters behind the parking meter was a sign that said no parking after 8pm whether you paid for parking or not. The company that towed my car said it would cost $169 cash to release it. Cash. I don't have $169 in non-cash let alone those crisp little bills. fuck. So I don't have a car. Melanie gave me $10 to take a cab to work tomorrow. But once they have my car for 24 hours, they charge another $169. GRRRRRR...

I called the cops because this all seemed so wrong to me. They said they could send a squad to help me get the information I needed in order to take the company to court, but they could do nothing about my car. She said to get in writing who authorized the tow and whether the tow company had a contract with that person or not. She also told me to save all of the receipts once I retrieve my car so I have documentation for court. How infuriating.

Eddie Izzard was good, but he wasn't worth $169.

Request

2008-06-09T08:26:00.002-05:00

I have been asked to take my previous blog down because someone thinks it's full of shit. I am not taking it down and this is the reason why:
I share everything. It makes people uncomfortable. I am aware of this and I feel bad for some of the people it effects but I do it for a reason. Not enough people talk about what's really going on. I got an email from a friend of mine the day after I posted the blog about how I was hurting. He told me he was suicidal and needed my help. He asked if he could come stay with me in Florida. If I hadn't posted that, he may have never said anything - and another one of my friends could have committed suicide.
I do it for the few people that contact me and say "thank you" for having the guts to say what they are feeling. I do it so other people don't feel alone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it pisses some people off, but it helps just as many. And that's why I do it.

If you don't like what I post, don't read my blog! It's as simple as that. I try not to use names. Unless it's James or Shana really. I can't avoid names when it comes to "ex" or "best friend."

I know I am not blameless, and I never claimed to be. James and I have been unhappy for a long long time. We have both played our parts. I did some pretty terrible things as well - and James has asked me not to post them because it would just cause even more problems for him. But I know I'm human. And so is he. Everyone that knows me, knows that. Everyone that knows me well knows specifics. It's not a secret.
So just to clear that up for anyone that's wondering - I have been beating the hell out of myself for fucking up in a relationship that was very dear to me. But even if I hadn't fucked up, we were already doomed. Spending 2 years separated because of the government losing paperwork is no way to start a marriage. We both changed so much in that time that we were just too different to mesh any longer. We tried, though.

So that being said, I wish to state that I do not want to cause anyone harm. I honestly only posted the email to Bradley because I was too lazy to re-write it for blog form. I took out the name of the person it involved and that's it. My bad. Laziness tends to be quite a common character defect.

Anyhow, I'm sorry if I cause some people more trouble than they care for - but just know that by posting the intimate details of my life on the internet saved at least one life. It's about connecting with humans through the most barbaric and raw emotions that we all experience. Maybe if we all talked more about what was really going on, there would be less confusion and hate in the world.

A Dose of Reality

2008-06-04T07:16:00.004-05:00

I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. It's not a happy one. I just felt the need to put this out to the Universe - maybe to help myself heal. Maybe because I don't know how else to ask for help.
I wrote the following email to my brother-in-law. I couldn't think of a better way to express what I'm going through, so I'm just going to post the note in it's entirety:

hi
i don't know why i feel like i need to talk to you, but i do. i'm so fucking heartbroken and it's tearing me up. i know things haven't been okay for james and i in quite some time, but that doesn't mean i don't love him. if anything has happened in the last 3 months, it's that i've realized i love him even more. but we just are not nice to one another, and i don't even know who he is anymore.
he has gotten himself into a relationship with a [person] who has called herself my friend for the last 5 years. i don't know who i'm more upset with - him or her. but it hurts more than anything i've ever felt before to know that we are no longer together - nor will we ever be - and hurts double that someone who would call me a friend would try to be with him before we are even properly separated. what kind of a friend does that?
i just don't know what to do with myself and what i'm feeling.
having just moved to tampa, i have no good friends here to help me through this. i miss shana. i miss my mom. i miss all my other friends. i need people to tell me it's going to be okay and i find myself calling james looking for that answer. because he is who i have automatically turned to when i've been in pain for the last 6 years. that makes it even worse.
i just don't know what to do. god. i cry every day. like the type of crying that comes straight from the bowels of my emotions. like the crying you hear at funerals. finality. i hate it. and every time i cry like that i get a migraine. it's 7:30 in the morning. i woke out of a dream and could not fall back to sleep, so i found myself on facebook - and saw that [person] had changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" which prompted me to remove them both from my friends lists and ask that she doesn't contact me any longer (because she's been sending me text messages and emails pretending that things are okay - trying to make things okay with me - maybe so she doesn't feel guilty about what she is doing). so i'm starting my day with the guttural crying - starting my day with a migraine. i almost feel like i can't do anything. staying busy is the only thing that helps, but it's worse than pulling teeth to get myself to start anything. i just want to lay in bed all day and cry. and eat ben and jerrys (which makes things even worse because i've gained weight again - so my clothes don't fit properly, and then i begin to believe that no one will ever want me again and i'll die fat and alone). if i'm feeling like this, james has to be feeling something similar. but i don't think he's feeling anything at all because he's putting all of his energy into a relaionship with [person].
i understand why people want to get into rebound relationships - because they don't want to feel this kind of pain - but he is doing himself an injustice by not allowing himself to grow, and he will keep hitting the same brick wall if he continues to jump from one person to another, putting all of his faith in that one individual to be everything to him. i left so he could find himself. so he could become james, the individual. the man who can support himself and drive and have his own friends and be happy. but within a week [person] filled my role. it makes me sad that he's not even attempting to change - and renews my faith that i'm doing the right thing. i cannot be someone's everything. it's impossible. and that's ultimately what made us so miserable.
i'm sorry for this. i know you have nothing to offer me that will make things better. i just needed to let you know where i was at. it makes me sad that i won't see you and your family. i really do like your dad and maureen and ian and tracy. it makes me even more sad to think that i may never see them again. and my hopes of us returning to england... gone. so much to give up on. fuck. i just can't even think about it.
love,
vega

*After that being said, I need to qualify a few things. I know my life here in Tampa is good. I started the job that I wanted; back in a record store - where I feel most at home; where I know I'm good at what I do. I have an amazing new apartment and Melanie is the most wonderful giving roommate (she's feeding me now because I am penniless). I'm making friends here who are really great, and I've been to some awesome meetings. I have a new car that I really like now that it doesn't smell like piss (which, by the way, only ONE person has suggested a name for it - Mr Pissmoke - c'mon people, I need some suggestions!). Things around me are going well. But that doesn't stop the pain from coming. And I'm super grateful to be here feeling this pain, and not in Milwaukee where I would have the 95% chance of running into the two of them constantly. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I'm lucky to be able to remove myself from the situation and heal. However, removing myself from the situation also removes me from all the people that know me well and have been there to support me in the past. I have no shoulders to cry on. I have very few hugs. It feels incredibly lonely.

So please just send a nice thought my way once in a while. I know some of you have been through this and gotten through the pain to the other side. How do you do it? How do you feel so much without crumbling into pieces?

Video Blog #1

2008-06-01T20:31:00.001-05:00

Hi there!
So I spent WAY too much time trying to figure this all out. Hopefully this video blog is fulfilling! Looking forward to everyone's suggestions on new car names...

Unpacked

2008-06-01T00:37:00.004-05:00

Okay. There are a number of things that I want to talk about. First off, yesterday Smurfette died. I was planning on buying a car in the afternoon, but did not expect to have to get towed to the lot. BOO! I was also depending on what little money I would get from selling Smurfette. I'm kinda in some financial trouble now. But Melanie is feeding me, so that's good.

I am avoiding writing my obituary for Smurfette, so instead I've been working on a video blog. Because I'm totally retarded, I haven't worked out how to edit it yet. So I may post it tonight. I may post it tomorrow. Either way, I will eventually have to post about Smurfette. I just don't feel like crying at the moment.

So the 'new' car is a 95 Honda Civic. It's got a shit load of miles on it, but hopefully it will withstand them. I've never actually purchased my own car. My dad has always loaned me the money and I pay him back rather than the dealer or a loan company (or my credit card like now). I'm really lucky to have a super rad cousin in the area that hooked me up with his brother-in-law who in turn super hooked me up with the car. Long story. But good. Except for the fact that the new car smells like a combination of ash tray and piss (with a flowery scent trying to cover it all up). I seriously want to puke when I open the door. I'm going to clean it out tomorrow and see what happens. I'll be jumping for joy once I get rid of that stench!

Alright, so that's that. Hopefully you will have a video to watch in a little while...

PS I just found my car on Craigslist: http://tampa.craigslist.org/car/697652777.html

Milwaukee

2008-05-30T23:12:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. Things were crazy and emotional and I haven't wanted to talk about them. I went back to Milwaukee last Saturday. I flew in over Lake Michigan with the sunset reflecting over the water. I normally feel very grateful whenever I fly over the city because it feels comforting and familiar to me. This time I just felt sad. Waiting for my luggage, a muzak version of "Kiss From a Rose" was playing in the baggage claim area. That was the song that the Registrar's office played after James and I were married (because we didn't bring in a cd for them to approve beforehand, so they just played their own music). I started to tear up then. My mom picked me up and all I could do was hug her and cry. I miss her so much. Plus I knew I was coming home to close a chapter in my life that includes seeing my mom often.

We went to Shana's and again, as soon as I saw her I started to cry. It felt so good to be with people I care about so deeply. But at the same time I was sad because I knew it wasn't going to be for long. We went downstairs to visit my babies. Gir has a huge tumor on her side that James didn't tell me about (he didn't want to worry me). The vet wanted $450 to remove it, so she will just have to live with it. If it gets larger, it could become troublesome, but at the moment she is alright. Of course seeing the rats made me cry as well - especially since I now know I can't bring them back to Florida with me. Rats are not acceptable as carry-on animals, and they are not allowed in the lower area either. BOO on the airlines for discriminating against which animals they allow!!

I had a lot to do while in Milwaukee, so I really didn't have much time to see friends or have fun. I had things in my grandmother's attic, my dad's basement and my mom's basement and attic that I had to go through and pack up to be shipped. I was able to purge some more and then fit the rest of it in 3 suitcases and some boxes that I shipped via media mail (DVDs, books and CDs). Kelsa was a super trooper and helped me all day Memorial Day. She rocks.
We finished a lot of the packing so we went to Liv and Josh's for their cookout. It was such a nice day - 81 degrees and sunny - but as we were standing outside, these clouds rolled in and the temperature dropped suddenly. And by suddenly, I mean less than 30 seconds. And by dropped, I mean it was 47 degrees after those 30 seconds of wind blew through. This is exactly why I don't live in Wisconsin anymore. At least when I get up tomorrow, I know it's going to be in the 90s and I'm going to sweat my tits off.

I was able to wrap up my life in Milwaukee fairly simply. It was a bit stressful getting everything done, but I managed it. I closed out a bank account, changed the address on another, relinquished my keys to my PO Box (the longest address I've ever kept), packed and shipped everything but my toaster (because I didn't have a box that fit), donated a bunch of stuff to Salvation Army and changed my address. I really don't live there anymore. It's so bizarre.

It was really amazing to see my friends. I love them so much, and I'm really going to miss them (like I have been missing them) but I know I will see them again. In fact, I am flying back in August for Green Lake and a doctor's appointment. Mark it on your calendar: 23rd - 30th!

Seeing James was really difficult. For those of you that are completely clueless as to what's going on, I guess I should fill you in on the background. We got married in England on January 23rd 2004. I had to leave right away because my visa was expired. We were told that it should only take 6 months at the most for his application to be processed and visa issued. 5 days after our 2nd wedding anniversary, James finally arrived in the US. Those 2 years were the worst and most frustrating I had experienced. The following 2 years were almost worse still. We had grown so much apart while physically separated that we were nearly incompatible by the time we were together again. We tried everything we could possibly think of - took every suggestion - and yet things weren't working. It breaks my heart, but we just don't work as a married couple.

Near the end of last year we decided we were going to get separate apartments to see if that would help the situation. I then took my roadtrip to Florida to visit Danelle, Jacek and newborn baby Adam. On my way back, I was informed by my employer that they no longer needed my help. I was coming back to no job which meant no apartment. It was then that I decided to start selling everything and just drive off to find what feeds my soul. I figured it was the perfect time - James and I were separating, I had no job or place to live and nothing else tying me down. I just wanted to go and let the Universe direct where I was supposed to go. This is what you've been reading about the past few months.

Anyhow, I have discovered that there are a lot of things that I've been neglecting while fighting for a dying marriage. James has found some things out on his own as well. We decided it was best to terminate the marriage. This is one of the other reasons I had to come back to Wisconsin. We needed to file for divorce.
I'm writing this now as though I'm telling of someone else's life. One moment, I'm completely absorbed by my emotions, and the next I'm completely detached. It was so difficult to see him. I wanted to hold him and kiss him, but scream at him and cry all at the same time. I was looking at a familiar face, but I no longer know the person. My heart aches. My chest feels hollow. I want to remain friends, but I have no idea how to behave around him at the moment. Which is why it is good for me to be in Florida.

Anyway, you don't really need to hear the excruciating details of my emotional turmoil... just know that I hurt, and understand if I look sad or cry sometimes. It's a sad thing to go through, losing a husband.

On a lighter note, I got to spend some quality time with my friend Chris (we watched HAARP) and got to eat at Comet with Shana and Katherine. I also learned a lesson that although I want to help my friends out financially, it's not always wise to do so. Even if I did shoot myself in the foot, I'm glad my friend doesn't have to worry as much.

I got back to Tampa Wednesday night after 2 very smooth and very empty flights. Actually, on all 4 of my flights I had 2 seats to myself. It was seriously awesome. And I finally figured out the perfect combination to avoid a pressure induced migraine! That is the most exciting thing that could have happened.

Thanks again to anyone that has helped me out in the most recent past - and I'm sorry if I didn't get a chance to see some of you in Milwaukee. Remember to mark your calendars for August!

Holy Crap

2008-05-23T10:12:00.002-05:00

I was planning on driving up to Wisconsin this weekend so I could pick up the rest of my belongings. However, I just got a call from the studio asking me to do some prepping on Thursday. So I checked flights. I arrive in Milwaukee at 9 pm tomorrow. I will be around until Wednesday at 6 pm. Not much time to pack up and decide what I'm keeping and what gets donated to friends. I will be getting rid of my entire winter wardrobe!

I need this money so badly, and I knew that if I said no to this offer, they quite possibly would never call me again. So anyway, that's the deal. I'm frantically trying to get my stuff done here before I leave. I have to finish painting my room and then pack quickly. Wish me luck!!

(I'll post pictures of the new place when I get back here)

Vinyl Fever and Other Things

2008-05-21T22:35:00.004-05:00

WHEEEE!!!
I am the newest employee of the record store called Vinyl Fever here in Tampa. Super sweet. I start June 2nd (so I have time to come back to Wisconsin and get my stuff). I'm way excited - it looks like I will be moving up quite quickly there as well. He told me he was going to make me a keyholder right away.

Other than that, I got Smurfette back yesterday. It was a pretty rough day aside from the interview going well and getting my car back. I was starting to question if I did the right thing by signing a lease and being in Florida. I felt pretty out of place and lonely. A few things happened that made me really miss my friends. It would be much easier to deal with certain heavy issues with my loved ones closer. Anyhow, everything seemed to work itself out by the time my head hit the pillow.

I decided to go for a drive last night. I wandered around Tampa for a while, getting my bearings. Then I decided to cross the bay. I drove around St Pete and headed up to Clearwater. Clearwater totally creeped me out and I laughed out loud when I drove by the Ft Harrison Hotel. I'm pretty sure the Scientologists heard me and have recorded my license plate number to make sure I stay in line and not cause any disturbances in the media. There really are cameras everywhere.

I went out to Sand Key and parked my car on the side of the road to run to the coast and spit in the Gulf for my dad. He always asks me to spit into or off of famous landmarks and natural wonders. Then I drove to Clearwater Beach. Someone told me I had to touch the sand there (even thought I LOATHE sand) just because it is so different. Let me tell you, I hate regular sand, but this stuff - OMG - I wanted to tear my skin off. I couldn't get the feeling of the sand off my fingers!!! It was a terrible nightmare! It felt a lot like powdered sugar, except when I tried to brush the sand off, it didn't have enough texture to actually brush off. Again, just like powdered sugar or flour, it just got rubbed around on my fingers. Oh I'm totally cringing thinking about it right now. I HATE SAND! It's really too bad I have such bad OCD when it comes to texture because I absolutely love the water. I love the ocean and lakes and really any large body of water, but dammit I can't handle the sand. That's why I loved Brighton Beach so much in England - it was all smooth stone.

So besides my sand reaction, last night was pleasant. Driving over the bay is so much fun. I just love being surrounded by all the water. I think I've got a better idea of what's around now that I've got Smurfette again. I found a Super Target and got some stuff for the new place... I'm really excited to move in tomorrow. What's really cool is that I get to reinvent my space. I have nothing. So I've been buying furniture for cheap off of Craigslist. I found a rad computer desk, a dresser, TV stand and DVD/CD rack. I have just resigned myself to the fact that I will have to take a cash advance on my credit card to pay for stuff like my car and bed, not to mention simple things like a shower curtain and towels (yeah, I got rid of EVERYTHING).

I am still in need of a cheap car, but I will be able to drive Smurfette up to Wisconsin and back so I really have to find it down here. That being said, I will be heading out Saturday night to come home. I plan on staying for the LOST season finale (so I can watch it with Shana) and then possibly leave after Friday night. I need to take my time driving back so I don't tire my car out, and I start work on June 2nd. I was hoping to make it to Rebecca's ordination, but I don't think I will make it back to Tampa in time for work if I drive up to Stevens Point. I hope she knows that I will be there in heart and spirit no matter what.

Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a great day!

PS I saw this the other day in a bathroom at a Thai restaurant. I'm pretty sure only my dad and Kevin Gille will appreciate the photo...
Feel free to help me out with gas money to get to Wisconsin and back!!

Send Good Thoughts!

2008-05-20T01:01:00.002-05:00

Tuesday at 1pm EST, I have an interview at Vinyl Fever - an independent record store in Tampa. When I came down to visit Florida in December I stumbled upon this place and told Danelle that if I lived in Tampa I would want to work there. So now I live in Tampa, and I may have the opportunity I hoped for.

PLEASE send good thoughts my way! I remember telling a few people along the way on my journey that all I needed to be happy was a job in a record store. I applied at stores in New Hampshire, New York City and would have in Oceanside, but no luck. I would be incredibly grateful to get this job. So keep your fingers crossed for me!
(I would still be doing the freelance work on the side, which is what it's meant to be in the first place - not sole means of support.)

I will let everyone know as soon as I know the outcome.
Thanks!

Oh yeah, and I get Smurfette back tuesday morning (after dropping another $300). I will be coming back to Milwaukee after I move into my new place this weekend. Need to pack up the rest of my stuff!

The Woes of Moving

2008-05-18T11:52:00.006-05:00

Yesterday Melanie and I signed our lease! I'm really excited about having a place again (that's a picture of our front door with Christina). Unfortunately, because I sold everything I now need to buy stuff. This puts me in a pretty uncomfortable place. I had to have Smurfette towed again yesterday. She's not even able to drive around the block without dying. I don't know what's wrong. But apparently "Bruce Lee" is the best and he will fix it for cheap. But cheap is still money. And I basically just need to fix her to get her back up to Wisconsin one more time to park at my dad's (so he can use the parts)... Which means I need a new car as well. Preferably with air conditioning. I found a 2000 Escort ZX2 for $2300, but that's money I haven't got. BOO!

Forgive me for vomiting my voes all over the interwebs, but I just need to put them out there and voice that I'm afraid... So I changed my car insurance this week (because Florida has different requirements for insurance than Wisconsin). My coverage back home was $178 every six months. Yes, that's just $30 a month. And it wasn't just liability. So the equivalent coverage in Florida costs $719 every six months!!!! WTF!?!?! I had to drop down to just $20,000 in liability and the required Personal Injury coverage, and still every six months I will be paying $287. That's nearly twice as much for a quarter of the coverage. BOO!
I also need to register my car here. But I'm going to wait on that because I don't think I'll have Smurfette much longer.

I need $200 to cancel my Verizon air card service (since Melanie is getting internet for the house). That's going to save me a butt load of money in the long run because it's worked out to $73 a month after taxes and crap.

So besides the car and the internet, I need to buy a bed. I've got nothing to sleep on. I've got sheets and a blanket for a full size bed, but no full size bed. I found a cheap working TV yesterday at Salvation Army which is cool. But no bed. I could also use a dresser and some shelves. I would drive around to garage sales and check the curbs if I had a car to drive around in! lol

Oh yeah, the other reason I need to come home besides bringing Smurfette to my dad is to pick up the rest of my stuff (my remaining Cds & DVDs, DVD player, journals and keepsake items). I also have a freaking kick ass toaster that I left with James.

SOOOOOOO.... If any of you have any ideas on how I can accomplish this nearly impossible feat, I'm open to suggestions. If you know of anyone in Florida that has a bed to offer me for cheap, or simple furniture, let me know. Maybe you know of a cheap car, or some place that will finance a loan for me to buy a cheap car. Anything. In turn, I can offer you a place to crash any time you want to take a vacation in sunny Florida (the lease is for 15 months, so I'll be here a while).
Awaiting your suggestions!!

PS. Just so you don't think I'm whining and moaning all the time, I really like it here. Really. I'm not lying. I wouldn't have signed a 15 month lease if I didn't. And if I get that job at the record store, I will be the most satisfied person on the planet.
Also I'm super grateful for Melanie. I wouldn't have anywhere to live if it weren't for her. She's so generous. Thanks Mel!

UPDATE: I just found a full size mattress, box spring and frame on craiglist for $75. They will deliver it to my apartment for free. :)

My Internet Stalker

2008-05-17T19:30:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody! So as most of you know, I'm a little Craigslist addict. I've met some really cool people all over the country through Craigslist.org (including my Chicago twin, Amy!). Florida has proven to be lacking in cool kids on CL, so I decided to venture into the Yahoo personals arena to see what I could turn up.
This has brought me more entertainment than I could have ever hoped for. I just wanted to share with the rest of you what has filled hours with laughter for me... I'm so going to hell for this one.
(PS. This is the internet stalker I was referring to in my last blog. I could totally post his picture too, but I guess that would be going a little too far. I do have a heart)

On 05/13/2008 02:35 pm EDT, Andre wrote:
hi quirky girl im andre.totally probly not your type but i hav this weird like cyber crush thing going on for some reason,there i just blew it so cool.any way hope you enjoy tampa,um maybe write back some time.ok bye now then oh and yea mt pic is lame but my sis and i are putting up new ones im just really being a wimp about this whole thing.but yea ok bye

On 05/14/2008 01:06 am EDT, Andre wrote:
hi its me again[duh right like you didnt know] .but i seen that you veiwed again and i dont really hav the best frrling about the whole thing.but my sister and wer talking(shes like mt best olny friend down here pathitic right)but she thinks you seem like we all might click to and at least be able to stand a nite out together.so go to some random show at the state theater in st pete,itl be fun promise and its easy to ditch out there it you hate it.i dont know think about it.oh and i dont know if your a paid member,oh andddddddd if your waiting for a few new pics im puting some up tomorow fer real.but yea if your not a paid member my yahoo im id is bad_b_friend so if you want to talk or whatever.and also i was just thinking how i wrote that whole dont send me a rejection thingy i guess you can ill get over it.well ok im rambeling now so bye

On 05/14/2008 04:47 pm EDT, Andre wrote:
so yea hey funny bumping into you here again.hehe lame i know.but um i just wanted to say hi.....so hi

[OK. I admit, I'm an asshole for encouraging him by sending an email. I'm going to hell]
from V Bellamy
to bad_b_friend@yahoo.com
date Wed, May 14, 2008 at 5:52 PM
subject yahoo
Hey
I don't know if this is your email or not, but I'm not a paid member and I don't have yahoo messenger thingy.
So yeah. hi.
What kind of music do you like? Favorite bands? Favorite movies? Favorite books?
Basics, y'know
Vega

On 05/15/2008 01:18 pm EDT, Andre wrote:
hey i think you wrote my email cause your really the only girl iv wrote enough to get that far.sorry if im seeming so weird its just hard to try and be normal on here.but i think your a cutie and i hope we can get past this aukward(how do you spell that) part and at least maybe be friends.so yea write back please and ill try and be normal

from jon holmes
to V Bellamy
date Thu, May 15, 2008 at 1:03 PM
subject Re: yahoo
um hi im trying to think of who you are i only sent a
few emails out but you know.anyway iv sort of been a
bore lately but i like to like random
shows,skateboard.i dont know normal stuff i
guess.music goes alot of difrent ways for me but id
say my fav is like emo type stuff,alkiline trio used
to be my fav but im not sure anymore but saves the
day, the anniversery,i cant think right now i really
want to figure out who you are.tell me your head line
on your profile please then ill be able to think
better(i hope).ok hopefully you write back i must seem
like a total flake.bye

from jon holmes
to V Bellamy
date Thu, May 15, 2008 at 1:22 PM
subject Re: yahoo
hey are you the cutie with the lip ring.

from jon holmes
to V Bellamy
date Thu, May 15, 2008 at 8:07 PM
subject Re: yahoo
so hey i guess i messed up again.i was wondering if
maybe you could give me a few pointers on how to some
off less unapealing or whatever it is that im doing
wrong.iv been trying this yahoo thing for like a year
now and your really the first girl who even wrote
back.funny i guess.guess what else i never was a paid
member till i say your profile.i was so sure we would
click(that is if im even writeing who i think i am
that would be even more pathetic)but for real i dont
mean to come off so werid and stuff but im am in this
like super needy place,and thats whats wrong im sure
but hell i dont even know.so here i am super physco
writeing you and i am sorry(a little only cause i mean
heck this is it anyway)so anyway how weird huh,oh and
as you probley know anyway im from detroit so dont go
marking all florida guys as weird they are mostly
dicks though i can tell you that.ok and on the chance
i didnt blow it yet i thought of my fav movie,repo man
or raiseing arizona or the big lebowski welll i could
go on and on.so hey how bout maybe writeing back and
letting me down easy please not one of the courtsey
replys the hav on the personals i hate those thing fer
real please.or you could even decide we can keep
writeing that would be cool too(again thats even if
this is the right girl).ok well im done i guess.bye

2 Horrid Weeks!

2008-05-15T22:59:00.004-05:00

I can't believe the LOST season finale is 2 weeks from tonight!! This means no LOST next week! I had 2 dreams with characters from the show this week. What's going to happen in the coming weeks?? I'm going to go crazy. .:GAH:.

So on a lighter note, I got a call the other day offering me a few more days of work at the studio. It's awesome. Maybe I'll have enough money to fix my car and drive back to Wisconsin to get my stuff! Possibly. But either way, I will now have rent for June 1st. It's been a while since I've had to pay rent. Makes me feel like a real human again ;)

I had the realization yesterday that I live in Tampa now, and I got excited. Christina and I were driving to Goodwill and I was looking at the water and thinking about my new apartment (Melanie sent me to look at a couch that was posted on Craigslist - we have a new couch and love seat now!)... I got all excited about being able to ride my bike over the Gandy bridge and along the Bay Shore sidewalk. Letting the fact that I never have to shovel my car out of the snow again sink in... I'm very excited. I like Tampa. It's very different. Nothing like Milwaukee or the midwest. But it's nice. There's a bit of a north-shore feel to the area (which I'm not all that fond of) but I haven't yet felt unsafe since I've been here. I'm even getting used to the heat.

Things started to change when I finally took my bike out the other night. Riding around the inlets near where Mel's parents live made me feel comfortable. It was warm and the air smelled of magnolia - amazingly sweet. I rode out to this point that overlooks the bay and I found myself tearing up. It wasn't a sad cry (even though Snow Patrol "Run" was playing on my iPod); it was more of a settling cry of relief and acceptance. I've had a great deal of change in the last year. It's all turned out exactly the way it was meant to turn out, but change is still difficult. I miss people. I get sad when I think about what things "could have been." But things aren't that way. And I know I tried as hard as I could to salvage and mend what was mine to salvage and mend. I wasn't the only one who worked at it.
Still, it's bittersweet. I am, however, happy at the moment. I've had an absolutely fabulous 2 months getting to know myself again. I've seen some great friends, and made some new ones. I'm definitely not done with my journey - just taking some time here to get to know myself in a new environment.

That being said, I went out a couple more times. Interesting. I think I may have an internet stalker (serves me right!) Tonight I had a lot of fun. I almost didn't go out... I was super exhausted after work and needed to shower. I just wanted to take a nap and watch LOST, but when this boy called, something in his voice made me change my mind. So I met up with him at Panera. He was really sweet and I would love to go into detail, but all I need to say is that I had a good time and I'm looking forward to seeing him again. :)

Now it's just gone midnight and I'm going to sleep so I can get up and iron sheets all day tomorrow. haha! Funny enough, I really like what I'm doing. It's very calming; almost zen-like. But I think I mentioned that once before. Oh yeah, wish me luck - I go into Vinyl Fever tomorrow with my resume. The owner is out of town until Sunday, but a couple of the employees said they would make sure my resume is the first thing he sees once he returns. Apparently I've got good timing.

That's all from the Sunshine State. How's the weather in Milwaukee? do you have leaves on the trees yet??

Day 60

2008-05-12T15:48:00.003-05:00

Well, it appears my traveling adventures will be put on hold for a bit. Melanie and I got an apartment in South Tampa today. We are able to move in on May 23rd. Shocking? Yes. But not really. My car died again. I have no money left. No matter where in the country I could be, I would have to stay and work a while to save up for another leg of my journey (and pay off my father, as well as fix my car (or buy a new one)). So Tampa is as good a place as any.

Thankfully I'm feeling comfortable here. I've made some friends. It's great to be with Mel, and Danelle is not far away. The job will pick up in a little bit, and until that happens I will just put in applications for retail work to fill my time.

Email me if you would like the new address... I'm not going to make that public since it's not just me that will be living there :)

Night Driving

2008-05-11T11:22:00.004-05:00

How did I let so much time pass without blogging??
Wow, I've been really busy. It's nice to have things to do again! Thursday and Friday I worked again. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting more work now that they know how diligently I get things done. Melanie told me not to worry about it either way, and that I should just stick around here. She promised not to let me go hungry.

Thursday night I went on the first date I've had in 6 years. Pretty random. I really don't know how to date. It sucks to have to learn at 28 years old. I have a problem with discretion. I tend to vomit my life story on the table and wait for people to either run away screaming, or say it's not all that bad and they can handle my neuroses. Yeah. Not such a good idea. Holding my tongue is hard to do when you are impatient. I want to speed things up and already know someone without the time it actually takes to get to know them. This is something I've always had a problem with (think back to how you met me - I bet we were instant friends)...
So yeah, date was alright. But of course I haven't heard from him again. It's alright. I wasn't super interested. He would make a cool friend, though. He reminded me of my friend Gus back home.

Friday night I had an amazing time with Amanda and Christina. They are my two new BFFs. Christina is obsessed with music like I am. Amanda will listen to anything we tell her to. hehe. Friday night we were bonding by talking about boys and relationships and our growing pains and then Christina went to drop me off at home when Radiohead's "Lucky" came on her mix cd. We all sat in the driveway with the music blaring and singing. I mentioned that driving around at night listening to music was my favorite thing to do, and both of them said the same. So we decided to drive. They took me down Bay Shore (which is apparently the world's longest sidewalk) and out to Davis Island. We got to the end and I really needed to pee. I was prepared to just pee in the road, but magically at the end of the road outside the yacht club at the tip of Davis Island a port-o-potty appeared! "Super Sweet!" is what Christina called it. So I used the scary plastic toilet in the dark in Florida where god-knows-what is crawling around everywhere (let me tell you about the bugs I've seen already *shivers with the creeps*)...

We drove back and although I was exhausted, I stayed up until 4am making a mix cd to drive around to. I set my alarm for 11:30am to do it all again. C and A came to pick me up at noon and we went thrift store shopping. Found a Roxy belt for $0.99 which was pretty cool. But otherwise I was not much in the mood for clothes shopping.
We came back and Mel had planned a little dinner party. Nicole cooked this amazing chicken and rice dinner and a few other people that I hadn't met before joined us. We really didn't do much yesterday, but somehow we ended up hanging out until 4am. I like my new friends :)
It's nice to find people to relate to right away in this strange place. I now am going to get showered and do it all again. It's sort of a bittersweet day for all three of us. None of us can be with our mothers, for all different circumstances. But we hope they all know they are in our hearts.

Thanks for reading!

Back to the Grind

2008-05-07T22:09:00.003-05:00

I started my job today. I was super nervous because I had never even set foot in the building before. I didn't know anyone, and could barely remember the name of who I was supposed to meet up with. I didn't even really know what I would be doing.
Although awkward, it turned out well. I got the hang of pressing sheets quickly (I've only prepped for fashion before, never linens) and fell into a zone where I wanted there to be more so I could focus on the meditative quality of smoothing out wrinkles and perfecting something in physical form.
I will really enjoy this.

Unfortunately I received some bad news. The woman who I am supposed to be replacing is staying on for the entire shoot next week, and for the catalog in June. This means the that after this insignificant 2 1/2 day stint, I won't have any more work until June 16th. This is a huge problem, as I have $8 in my checking account and no cash left. It's times like these that I get nervous trusting that the Universe will provide.

I've been down for the past two days. I miss my friends and it's proving difficult to make new friends with similar interests here in Tampa. It's nice to have Danelle, Melanie and Amanda around, however they are all very busy. I had met a nice boy and was excited to have alot of things in common with him. I bought Radiohead tickets thinking he would want to join me, but was dead wrong. I was so bummed about being "stood up" that I sold the tickets to Amanda and then went shopping for stupid shorts instead (which I found at Target, btw - I had to try on several of the same style shorts in the same printed size because apparently the number stitched into the tag no longer has anything to do with the actual width of the waist).
I met up with this girl Christina at Starbucks after making my purchase, trying desperately to not think of how disappointed I was and not allow myself to feel rejected. This is when Amanda called from the show.

The sound I heard over the line at first was muffled and unrecognizable. But then those soaring angelic vocals of Mr Yorke pierced my ears and prickled every hair on my body. I stood up from the table I was sitting at with Christina and some others and walked immediately to a quiet area near the parking lot. I was amazed at how clear the music was. They broke into "Everything in it's Right Place" and I started to cry. I sat mesmerized by this cellular concert and remembered that I was actually out to be social. I hurried over to Christina to apologize but said I was going to stay on the phone to listen to the rest of the show. I grabbed my bag and headed to the car. Song after song I kept pressed to my ear, tingling with every swoop of Tom's soaring falsetto. Just as I pulled up to park the car at home, Amanda's phone cut out. I pried the phone off my sweaty ear to see a call time of 40 minutes. Tinnitus set in, just as if I had actually been there. I sent Amanda a thank you text, and she called me back shouting into the phone "My phone is dying - listen!!" It was the very beginning of the amazing climax of "Exit Music (for a Film)," my absolute favorite Radiohead song. I had heard the haunting lyrics "You can laugh/A spineless laugh/We hope your rules and wisdom choke you/Now we are one/In everlasting peace" and then the phone cut out for good. I sat frozen on my bed covered in goosebumps and gaping. I could have shot myself for selling those fucking tickets. I had rationalized it by saying "oh I've seen Radiohead in England, I don't need to see them again" when really I knew it was poised to be a spiritual experience and I didn't deserve it.

So not only am I feeling bummed about the boy, I'm regretting not going to the show and terrified that I'm not going to have any money now that I will be without work for another month. How trying this living life as it comes thing is!
One thing for sure, I'm glad Amanda and her friend Claire were allowed to experience such a beautiful thing last night. At least I can take solace in that.
Scribbles for nibbles ;)

Settling In

2008-05-05T22:53:00.004-05:00

I got to Tampa at 9pm on Saturday. Melanie helped me unload my car and drag my stuff into my new temporary bedroom. We sat up and talked about tons of things for quite a while. It is really good to see her and to have a friend that I've known for years around.

Woke up late on Sunday and half-planned my day. We went to Target. I have absolutely nothing to wear in the godawful Florida weather. I spent $125 on light clothing - a skirt, sundress, sandals and some tanks - clothing that I would usually scoff at in Wisconsin. Can you actually see me in a sundress??? Well, to be fair, it is black. :)

I will be sending the heavy t-shirts and winter clothes back to Wisconsin. I wish I had things worth selling. I really need the money now. Good thing I start work on Wednesday!

Later in the evening I cooked for Melanie and Amanda. It was so awesome to have fresh veggies again. I made red peppers and zucchini, broccoli and carrots... chili lime chicken and rice. There were two problems. The first was that there were only pots, no pans. Cooking chicken and stir frying vegetables doesn't work so well in pots. The second is that Melanie's parents don't cook, so the stove never gets used. I put the rice on the back burner, and it started smoking immediately. I waved the smoke away and thought it was probably something left on the burner from ages ago. After a while, I realized the smoke was getting worse. Amanda and I pulled the pot from the stove and saw that the entire bottom of the pot had been burning. I still don't quite understand how this happened. The pot itself had turned black on the bottom (outside!) and the rice was stuck to it - even though there was still some water left. hmmm...
Amanda, the trouper that she is, went out and got some minute rice and we settled for that.

Today I went to see Danelle and Jacek and little Adam. He is so big since I saw him in December. Danelle tells him I'm Auntie Vega. How funny. He laughed when I stuck my tongue out at him covered in the chocolate cookie that Danelle gave me. I bought him some Cookie Monster socks when I was at Target. I am determined to start his obsession with cool socks early. :)

I also spent some time finding a Forever 21 and Old Navy store so I could finish my new southern wardrobe. I was unsuccessful in my endeavors. Actually, I found another cute sundress - this one's not black. But I have been unable to find suitable shorts. That's the worst part is having to wear jeans and getting sweaty and them sticking to my legs. Yuck. I don't know where to find shorts. I won't wear those stupid girly short shorts. I like them to be knee length. Skater shorts, but not so baggy. It's impossible.

I'm pretty nervous about starting work on Wednesday. Keep me in your thoughts so I don't screw up!

Georgia is a Black Hole

2008-05-05T12:35:00.002-05:00

I left David's house at 11am on Friday morning. I stopped at Cracker Barrel for some yummy breakfast and then headed out to Florida. According to mapquest, the drive to Gainesville should take 5 hours from Charleston. I was super exhausted from not sleeping much (the neighbor's dog was barking consistently through the night). It seemed like I was driving for forever. I pulled off at a rest stop in Georgia and that's when I noticed my completely toasted arm! My body is freaking out because this isn't supposed to happen until at least June. :)

I fell asleep at the rest stop for about half an hour. I decided I had better get going so I could make it to Saara's on time. So I started driving again. It felt like I couldn't get out of Georgia. I was driving and driving and driving and driving...

I finally arrived in Gainesville at around 7:30pm. How it took me 8 1/2 hours, I'll never know. There was construction on all the major highways, but that shouldn't have tacked 3 1/2 hours onto my trip. The only explanation I have is that there is a black hole somewhere on I-95 in Georgia. I'm convinced.

It was great to see Saara. She looks well and is happy. Her fiancee, Eric, is very nice. They took me for pizza and ice cream and then we went back to sleep. It was then that I realized I'm completely unprepared for Florida weather. I was so hot in my regular pajamas that I had a tough time sleeping. BOO!!

The next morning, Saara and Eric took me to breakfast at this local restaurant called The Jones. It was really good. If you're ever in Gainesville, check it out. We stopped randomly at this estate sale and I found a cute little lion beanie baby *yay*

We spent the rest of the afternoon lounging around Saara's apartment watching Ocean's Eleven and the X-Files movie and napping on the couch. I'm so glad I'll be less than 2 hours away from her.

ps I'll post pictures when I figure out how to hook up my camera to this mac.

Oceanic Dinner

2008-05-01T23:46:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I had to include some LOST reference in the blog (even if it is only the title). Again, why do I watch this show every week???

Today was pleasant. I laid out in David's back yard for a bit trying to prepare my overly white skin for Florida exposure. I got so sweaty and uncomfortable that I gave up after 45 minutes and came inside to take a shower. I read for a long while and then took a nap (because I could). It was relaxing and pleasant. Once David got home from work he was gushing about what a beautiful day it was. He asked what I did and I told him that I tried laying out but it was too hot for me. This is when he changed his tune and told me I was going to hate Florida. I know this. I've been telling him all along. Everyone says I will get used to the heat, but I really don't believe it. Part of me hopes something else comes up - that someone somewhere else offers me a job - because I don't have any desire to be in Tampa during the summer. But as this was the only thing that has been offered, I pretty much have no choice at the moment... Gotta go where the Universe directs me.

That being said, I got the urge to drive to the beach. I stopped at Whole Foods and bought myself a salad and some oranges. I found my way to Folly Beach. The county park was already closed by the time I got there, so I parked in a public access beach lot and took my salad to the coast. The sign entering Folly said "Edge of America" and I couldn't help but repeat that in my mind as each wave lolled up onto the sand. It is so weird to think that James and I were separated by this body of water for so long. And now we are separated by much more than land. I had a million other trails of thought carving their way through my mind as I sat on a log facing the beach. Like the billions of tiny shells that wash up on the shore - not even the ones that people pick up and collect - but the ones that are the size of a pea. Those all belonged to living creatures that are long deceased. So much life; so much death. So much that we never even pay attention to because it doesn't effect us directly.

I began my recurring daydream of who we are as I was sitting there. Every few years I revisit this idea with a different understanding of who "I" am. I think I may have posted about this earlier in the blog. After selling all my things and leaving my friends and family, I had to re-evaluate who "I" was. I was not my job, because I've not got one. I was not my stuff; my talents or my abilities. So what's left but experience? If I am a culmination of my own experiences, then how would I exist without outside influence? If someone was devoid of all senses, and had no physical experiences, what is it in them that thinks and feels? The soul? The Mind? God? Nothing? But that's the whole thing is that we cannot exist without outside influence. Even the food we eat influences us; shapes us. Yeah, this is a normal evening inside my brain. Glad you joined me for a bit.

Chimney Rock Park

2008-04-30T16:29:00.004-05:00

I woke up earlier than normal and decided to get breakfast and find Chimney Rock Park to do some hiking. It was beautiful out, but a little on the cold side. The last time I was at Chimney Rock they only had half of the trails open. I was really looking forward to doing the Cliff trail.

On my way to the park, I was experimenting with driving. All through the Blue Ridge Parkway I was able to coast along downward stretches of road. On Hwy 74A, it's a very long uphill climb to where the Eastern Continental Divide is posted. Once I hit the top of the climb, I threw Smurfette in neutral and watched the odometer. I managed to coast for 8.7 miles before having to put her back in gear! All said and done, I managed 38 mpg of a whole tank of mountain driving.

I got to Chimney Rock Park and was a little disappointed that there were more people this time (duh). Not much was different on the actual trail except for the waterfall. When I was there in December, there wasn't much of a falls. This time was beautiful. I sat down on a rock in the middle of the stream right before it drops 404 feet. With the sun shining and the water bubbling around me, it was easy to fall into a brief meditation. I wish I could have stayed there all day, but I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me to get to David's.

I hiked for about 3 hours and was completely worn out by the end of it. Unfortunately, the last leg of the last trail I did was about 8 flights of stairs back up to Chimney Rock itself. BOO!!
I dragged myself back to the car and proceeded to drive straight to Charleston. I got to David's at about 9pm and we sat up and talked for a while. His house looks AMAZING! He completely flipped it and the feel of the place is so great. Unfortunately, he had got some unpleasant news earlier in the day - but was happy to have me around, especially since I was knowledgeable on the medical issue he was diagnosed with.

Today I spent most of my time catching up on this blog and doing laundry. I found a grocery store and bought myself some lunch and then went out with some of David's friends when he got off work. It has been a very nice visit.

Appalachia: How to Fit In

2008-04-30T13:27:00.008-05:00

I've been trying to get mapquest and yahoo maps to make an image for me of the route I took through the Blue Ridge Mountains, but neither of them are being very cooperative. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I drove the Blue Ridge Parkway from Roanoke, VA to Black Mountain, NC. It took ALL DAY. I'm not kidding. I got on the parkway at noon and made it to Black Mountain at around 10pm. I had planned on camping in Mt Mitchell State Park, however it started raining again so I spent the night in my car.

The scenery was beautiful. I have not very much else to say about it. I'll just put up as many pictures as I can to give you the idea.

I'm going to backtrack a bit here. The night prior to driving through the mountains, I stopped at a rest stop in Troutville, VA. I parked under a light and locked my doors like I always do, gathered my pepper spray and hid my valuables. The whole time there was this creepy guy standing by the vending machines watching me. So I decided to not put my pajamas on, and just sleep in my clothes. I bundled up in the back and fell asleep. I kept waking up with this awkward feeling. I couldn't shake the image of the guy staring at me. I had a restless night. I woke up quite early, groggy as hell, and decided I wasn't going to have much sleep. I sat up to rub the sleep out of my eyes and was face to face with a different creepy old man peering into my window. Literally, he was looking into the back from my driver side window. He was an employee of the rest stop (so was the creepy guy from the night shift), but it didn't make me feel any less violated.

I had been half-joking with friends for the past 6 weeks that I wanted a knife. It was this waking up to an old man staring into my car that made me decide to finally get one. So adventures at Wal-mart in the south began that evening. I had to search out an employee to help me with the selection (although they do sell knifes, they don't openly display them). The guy that came to help me didn't normally work in the sporting goods store. He was joking the whole time about who I was planning to kill and blah blah blah. As I was looking at one of them, neither of us could figure out how to close the sucker, this other customer walked up and was showing us what the trick was (there was an automatic lock on the opening of the knife to keep it from closing on you while you were cutting things). He then gave me a quick tutorial on what knives were best and how to hold them (which I did already know about). His slow southern drawl and methodical explanation on personal safety and why carrying a knife clipped to your pocket was not a concealed weapon gave me a bit of the creeps.
The regular sporting goods attendant came back then and was trying to help me out. He was taken aback when he realized I wanted the knife for defensive purposes, but quickly adjusted his sale pitch accordingly. Pretty soon there were 3 or 4 more employees gathering around, gawking at the lone girl checking out the knives. They were all cracking jokes about guys trying to take me out on dates and such. It was actually pretty funny.
Anyhow, I found the knife I wanted and paid - then walked out feeling a little less sophisticated than when I walked in. Such is life.

I Feel Awful!

2008-04-28T18:44:00.005-05:00

I have been driving the Blue Ridge Parkway all day (from Roanoke, VA). I'm almost to Asheville, NC and I've been having a wonderful day. It's so beautiful, and the last 20 miles or so have been loaded with wildlife. I just took pictures of 6 deer all grazing on the side of the road.
Needless to say, I've been driving cautiously. Firstly because I'm on the crest of the mountain range, and secondly because I don't want to hit anything. I just came around a hairpin turn and a deer literally jumped onto the hood of my car. I saw it's head hit my windshield and I turned around to see it on the side of the road jerking, and then stumbling to get up. It managed to scramble across the road back to where it came from, but I could see it wasn't using one of it's hind legs. I just burst into tears. I had to pull off the road and let myself cry. I love animals so much and I can't bear to think that deer may suffer for so long because of my car. I feel terrible.
I just checked on my car... everything is alright. There are a couple more chunks of my rusted hood missing where the deer hit (and I had to clean up the spit and hair that he left on my windshield). My headlight casing is cracked, but otherwise fine. I know I'm super lucky because hitting a deer could easily kill both parties. This is why I drive carefully.

I know this sounds silly, but please say a little prayer for the deer so it doesn't have to suffer long.

Rain, Rain Go Away

2008-04-28T10:56:00.004-05:00

I'm at a rest stop somewhere in Virginia. I really wanted to spend some time in the mountains again, but it's raining and foggy and nasty. I can't even see the mountains. Boo!!

Yesterday I drove through DC and took pictures from my car. That's about all I could be bothered to do. DC makes me so sad. The majority of the city is disgusting. It's similar to the north side of Milwaukee. Litter everywhere, boarded up and barred windows, homeless... it's quite sad. But the second you get into the proper downtown area things are gorgeous. Everything looks bold and proud.

I drove down to Alexandria to meet up with Matt and his friend Scott who were getting their hair cut by Debbie. I had never been to that old town area before and it was super cute. Debbie was really rad. Scott's hair turned out pretty cool - good thing too because he's doing a photo shoot for her and the salon today.
We went to O'Connells for dinner where we were served by an actual Irish man named Reece. I had fish n chips (which is strange because I don't like fish). But my body was craving the protein. It was quite good. Matt's dad was in town from Idaho and he met up with us. He was sweet and offered to help me get a job in DC doing computer work. If things don't work out in Florida, maybe!

I then get in the car to come to the Appalachians. I was having a sort of sad day and wanted to be by myself. It's hard to be surrounded by people constantly and talking about things over and over. It was nice to have some time by myself in the car. But now I want to be hiking or camping or something, but it's poopy! Oh well, can't always get what I want...

Reunion

2008-04-27T11:08:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was so good. Corinne and I went to Emily's baby shower. I had never been to one. It was very surreal to see Emily with belly. Not to mention with HUGE boobs :)
The coolest thing was that I got to see all of my old Philly friends. It's so amazing that they are all still around and still friends. For a second it felt like I was transported back to 2002 or so.
The food was yummy (that's about as much of a 'restaurant review' I'm going to give, Em). And in the game "my water broke" I won a little purse (that has lions on it!!).

Corinne and I left because she had to work and I had to pack up my car. On the way out, I jumped out of the car to pick some lilacs. I *love* the way they smell. I put them in my car to give it a more pleasant odor (you can imagine how it starts to smell crowded in there when it heats up). We got back and I took a quick nap before loading up and hitting the road.

On the way down to DC, I stopped at a rest area to get something to eat. There was a salad bar so I was able to buy a big bowl of veggies!! I swear this was the most populated rest stop I've ever been to. It was like trying to walk around Oxford Street during the Christmas season. Seriously. The weirdest part was that they had fresh flowers in the bathroom. hmmm...

I got to Matt's place around 11pm and he had a party going on (or rather his roommates had a party going on?). It was quite funny listening to some of the drunk girls (corn cob). I met some of his cool non-drinking friends and we pretty much stuck to his room reading the Guide to Getting it On and talking shit. Everyone left and then Matt and I played catch up until about 4am.

All said and done, it was a fantastic day.
PS. Thanks for the donations! Especially any anonymous ones. You have no idea how gas prices are killing me!

My BFF LOST Buddy

2008-04-25T15:52:00.003-05:00

LOST returned today after a 6 week hiatus. Liz and I had previously bonded by sending text messages during episodes of LOST this season. It was super awesome that I could actually watch the show with her. I ran a bunch of errands earlier in the day because I knew I was going to leave straight after LOST. While I was out, I caught this sign on a business. Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with the show. Everything reminds me of LOST.

I was in search of a Target because I was going through withdrawals from the store. I drove to this place called Green Acres Mall (which I later found out they refer to as "Black" Acres Mall - and is notorious for stabbings and shootings). I found a bunch of little stuff to give to Kaitlyn and Claire (who's birthdays are today and tomorrow). I also bought a thank you card for Liz and Claire's parents.

I got back to Liz's and she immediately told me that Kaitlyn wasn't busy and we were going to go grab a pizza and head to her house. On the way there we passed a gas station that shares my name! We got to Kaitlyn's and she has Rock Band. I am a total Rock Band (and Guitar Hero) virgin and had a dream about it recently so Liz decided it was time to deflower me. HOLY CRAP is that game fucking fun! Good thing I don't have a place to live or a TV because I would go out and spend the rest of my money on an Xbox and Rock Band. Don got some action shots of our band "Picking Scabs" but hasn't sent them to me yet. I'll post them when he does.

We were having so much fun that we lost track of time and then realized it was less than 20 minutes to 10. We totally had to haul ass to make the start of the show. Oh gawd how nerve-wracking! My brother called to make fun of us along the way. He kept saying "It's on!!" when we still had 2 minutes. Liz pulled into her driveway and we both ran up to the house and up the stairs to turn it on. Safe! I promised I wouldn't post any spoilers - so I'm sticking to that - but I just have to wonder why I still watch this show religiously... I mean every week it's a bigger WTF. gah.

We were able to have our quality LOST bonding time, and then I had to leave. I packed my stuff in the car and began the drive to Philly. The only thing I have to bitch about is the $10 toll on the Verrazano Bridge. JESUS! What on earth am I getting for that money? Entrance to Staten Island?? So not worth it.
The drive went so quickly. It felt like I was driving Milwaukee to Chicago. All of a sudden I came over a bridge and there was Philly. Wild. It's a good thing I have such a small car because otherwise I would not have had a place to park last night. Corinne met me outside and we unloaded my bike and important stuff into the house. She went up to bed, but came back down within a few minutes because she couldn't sleep. We sat up talking for quite a while. It's really good to see her. Their new house is gorgeous, and she can't get used to the fact that they own it. I think I would feel the same way. I don't believe I'll ever own anything!

So now you're caught up. Tomorrow I'm crashing my friend Emily's baby shower and then driving down to DC to see my friend Matt. Then hopefully to Richmond, Mount Airy, and Charleston in the following days. I should be in Florida by Thursday and I will make Saara watch LOST with me whether she wants to or not.
That's all from me. Hope everyone enjoys their day!

Never on Time

2008-04-25T14:56:00.003-05:00

I had bought a ticket to see a band at the Highline Ballroom in NYC on Wednesday. Eisley was the headliner, and there were 3 opening bands - The Myriad, Vedera, and The Envy Corps. I was super excited because I just got discovered the Envy Corps a couple weeks ago. They were supposed to be the first openers. The doors were at 6 and show was set for 7. I didn't want to spend much time wandering around the city beforehand because I have so little money, so I kept putting off the time to catch the train. Finally I asked Liz if she could give me a ride to catch the 5:05. As we were pulling up to the station, I realized I had forgotten my phone. I was supposed to meet up with Caitlin, so I needed to have it. We went back to get the phone and I said I would just catch the next train. They run every half hour from Merrick - Except for the hour between 5 and 6.

I sat down on the platform and started to cry. I was so frustrated with myself. I can never remember anything. My phone, my keys...whatever. So the next train was at 6:05, which would put me in the city at 6:50 - then I would have to take the A train down to 14th and 8th and then walk to 16th and 10th. There was no way I was going to make it to see the first band. I was SOOO frustrated. I called Shana and James and they helped me to not beat myself up (for spending $40 on a ticket to not see the band I wanted to see)... I got on the train and decided to watch some MUSE videos on my iPod to make me feel a little better. It helped.

Everything went smoothly as far as transferring and walking, and I got into the Highline Ballroom to see a band performing that was not the Envy Corps. It was only quarter past 7 so I knew I didn't miss them. The first band was called Vedera. They were from Kansas City. The girl had this amazingly angelic voice and she looked like a pixie - very small, cute features. They very pleasant to listen to. I grabbed the free cd sampler from their merch table after they finished, and while I was there, I asked when The Envy Corps were supposed to play. The guy working merch said "ahhh... they had to drop out of the tour in DC because their label is in the UK and the cd just came out there so they had to do a tour in England." FUCK. Everywhere still had the band listed - Time Out, the Highline Ballroom website, the ticket... I got all crazy and beat myself up for being late to see a band that wasn't there. BOO!!

So anyway, I decided to enjoy myself. The Myriad were slated to play next. The band climbed onstage and first lit half a dozen sticks of incense. A mysterious intro began rumbling through the bass and keys and exploded into a massive all-encompassing sound. I actually stepped forward from the wall and went to stand closer to the stage (which is unusual for me). The bass continued to vibrate throughout my body, pounding out every note like it was a part of me - melting into the music itself. The dark and beautiful atmospheric sound is reminiscent of Hope of the States, Martin Grech, Pure Reason Revolution, some of Radiohead's more abstract stuff and Mew. It was a complete musical journey that left me engrossed in the sounds, unaware of the time and space around me. That's a magical moment when I feel spiritually connected to the creative energy at hand. Amazing.

I left shortly after Eisley started. Caitlin had texted me and said she wouldn't make it to the show before they were finished so I should just meet her at the Good Times Diner not far from where I was at. I got to the restaurant and saw a few of my new friends. It was nice to say hello and hang out for a little bit. I then went and grabbed a slice of pizza (the diner is really expensive) and made my way back to Penn Station to get the train to Merrick. It was such a beautiful night out. The breeze was warm and comforting. I didn't mind the walk back to Liz's house because it was so gorgeous. I wish it were like that all the time.

Too Tired to Think

2008-04-25T01:54:00.003-05:00

I will update the last 2 days in the morning. I just wanted to let people know that I made it to Philly safely, and I am at Corinne's house at the moment. We just sat around and talked for a very long time. She is one of the people that inspired me to start traveling again.

Anyway, I'm here. I have fun stories to tell. I just need to sleep first!

Advanced Planning

2008-04-22T16:01:00.004-05:00

I'm sorta wacky. They announced the dates for 2009 SXSW festival in Austin, TX yesterday. I booked my hotel room right away. I've always wanted to go to SXSW. So I figured if I booked a room, I would have to save money and actually go this time, right? Ok. So I did. I tried to get into the Hampton Inn & Suites Downtown, but the whole place was already booked. Can you believe it!? So I'm at the Holiday Inn on the Lake and it's ridiculously expensive, but I've got 11 months to save.

Other than that, I haven't anything exciting to share. I spent yesterday in my pajamas watching tv with Liz's family (yay!). I'm going into the city tonight to see Eisley and The Envy Corps. I'm pretty excited because I just discovered The Envy Corps a couple weeks ago. Should be good times.

Maybe I will have an exciting story to tell you when I get back tonight. Until then, the most exciting thing I have to say is that LOST is on in 34 hours and I had a dream about Dominic Monaghan (Charlie). Oh yeah, and I tried on the shoes I want at Aldo again - this time I snapped a pic in the mirror.